The scars i bear
by LisaStriker
Summary: Shizuru has known Natsuki for a long time. They're close and have always been. But one day she stumbles upon Natsuki's secret and everything starts to change. Natsuki with her lone wolf complex and all the walls she has set up around herself to shield her from other people are thorns in Shizuru's side. #Warning for Angst.
1. Chapter 1

It was the school holidays and I was glad they were here. It was a break from university and a well deserved one at that in my opinion.

I stay in the school hostel. That meant that I didn't see my parents much except when i decided to go home. Mostly, holidays usually implied that i would be at home, with them. But this holiday, I had opted to stay in the school hostel. It was only a month's break, and i wanted some private time to myself.

Shizuru has a key to my room. She's the room administrator for all the floors of the hostel. Naturally she would have a master key for emergencies. As far as i know, she only uses it to visit me.

As luck would have it, she chose an inopportune time to visit me.

I was roused from my afternoon nap on the table by a rough shaking on the shoulder. With blurry eyes i looked up, "Hey Shiz," i muttered. "Why ya wake me for?" And then i realized what she had caught me doing. My razor blade lay on the table just next to me and my left hand was flung across the table. Dried blood gleaming on it's underside. I was caught. I shook sleep from my eyes as I took in my girlfriend.

Her eyes were horrified. There was something else in those depths that i couldn't figure.

"Natsuki?" She asked in a hesistant voice.

Because i was too stunned to say anything, i simply replied, "Urm, yeah?"

"Maybe..."She began tentatively. "You could explain what's this about." Her hand swept out in a motion indicating the table and the blood.

I plucked a tissue from the box and pressed it against my hand rub or hide the blood, i didn't know which. "I..." I felt an unreasonable wave of anger and indignity sweep through me. "You know what? Actually it's none of your business what i do." _What did she need me to explain anyway. It was self explanatory. A picture paints a thousand words._

Her hand reached out to grasp my wrist. "Stop rubbing at it for goodness sake," she snapped at me.

It's the first time i've heard that tone in her voice.

Then she grabbed me in a hug. A warm hug, that should have touched the cold stone heart in me. But its warmth barely pierced the surface. I felt it. Her love for me. But i don't believe in love. I don't believe in her.

Her hands tightened around my back as she pressed her face into my shoulders. Her scent, was sharp and clean and comforting. "Why would my Natsuki do something like that to herself?" she whispered into my ear.

I shrugged. "Does it matter?" I almost laughed but i stopped myself. I wrapped my arms around her. "So... how was your day."

"Is Natsuki trying to change the topic?" Her voice was a musical tinkle, but familiarity had me noticing the strain in it.

"Maybe," I replied. "How was it?"

She wouldn't let go of me. "Good. I found at job at the lingerie store down the street. I'll be working there part time, maybe three times a week or more," she paused. "That means less time with my Nastuki. I hope she won't miss me."

I laughed. "I still don't see why you need to work. It's not as though you need the money." I ignored the last part of her statement.

"Because i like to work."

"Talk about a workaholic" i teased her.

She poked me in the side playfully.

I struggled in her grasp, but then she stopped and reverted back to hugging me. "Aren't you going to release me?" I felt her shake her head into my shoulder. "No? People will think we're conjoined into one body if you don't." She shook her head again.

"Not till Natsuki tells me why she did it."

Silence. It filled the room, thick and heavy.

Because i say nothing, she must have decided to say something. "I never noticed." Her voice quavered alittle. "I'm sorry."

I treasure those words of hers. It shows she cares. "Baka. What are you apologizing for?"

"I never noticed. How could I have not?" Now her voice cracked. "I should have. Been there for you Somehow! I should have payed more attention to your body." She tried to turn my hand over so that the cuts were visible, but i refused to let her.

"I hid it well." I didn't know what to say. I could comprehend shock or horror, but not the hurt that i heard in her voice.

"How long?" she asked after a few minutes passed.

"How long what?" I replied, even though i kind of knew what she meant.

"Since you've been..." she trailed off. "How do i put it?" she muttered. "Since you've been doing this to yourself."

"A year give or take," I replied quietly.

Silence again. "Does it hurt?"

I rubbed her head affectionately. "No it doesn't silly."

She hugged me even tighter if that was possible. I was getting tired of the melodrama. Why did people make such a fuss over some cuts. Some blood. Sure, i understood, it's not conventional. But it doesn't hurt me. I don't really feel it. And Shiz was probably angry that i kept this secret from her. But we all have our secrets right? Why should it matter?

"It hurts me," the whisper, barely discernable jolted me.

"Well, it shouldn't," i replied. "It doesn't hurt me."

She reared back to look me in the eyes. "But it hurts me Natsuki."

I looked back at those crimson eyes. "Why should it?"

"Because i love you," she said simply.

I hated her at that moment. Nobody understands the meaning of those words. They say it so casually. Especially the way she says it. The innocence in there. There's no way she loves me. "I didn't ask you to" i retorted, struggling harder against her hug. I grabbed her hands to pry it away from me. Succeeded by moving them an inch. Shizuru can be very strong when she wants to. "Let me go," i snapped.

"No."

I struggled harder, my nails, digging alittle into the sides of her hands. But she wouldn't let go. I can't hurt her. I don't like hurting people, so i stopped trying. _I think that's low of her. To take advantage of that. I wouldn't hurt her, not physically anyway_. "Why?"

Silence again. We rarely have so much silence. She always knows what to say and she's always poking at me. Finally, without a word, she let go of me.

"Thank you," I said. "Can we just pretend nothing happened?"

Those ruby eyes were staring at me searchingly. "For now," she replied. She must have known that i needed some space and time. She always seems to know what i need.

"Sooo, what shall we have for dinner?"

"Pizza?"

"Awww, spoiling me huh?"

"I find it reasonable to indulge my girlfriend occasionally." Shizuru reached for the phone to dial their number.

When she was done ordering the pizza, she joined me at the table. I handed her the right side of my earphone. And we sat in front of my computer watching Bones. It's a TV drama we both enjoy. I enjoy the science and Shizuru seems to find the characters of interesting stature.

We melded back into a routine normal and comfortable, but hovering above that was still the tension of our unresolved 'argument'.


	2. Chapter 2

It's been days after she found my secret. I'm still sulking about it, a little. The only good thing that came out of that is my unrestrained movement around her. What's the point of being scared she'll see the cuts if she already knows it's there. Now i can stretch around her, raise my hands; technically i have a free range of movement.

A sigh escaped my lips. I went for a walk with the intention of just clearing my thoughts but somehow i've made my way to this park. It reminds me of the first time i met her here.

_The sun was setting in the horizon, its reddish hue filling the sky. I had stopped at a bench to watch the sunset. There wasn't really much to watch considering, that the trees in the park kind of blocked my view. But the beach was quite a distance out of town. So i had opted for the bench on the park. _

_I noticed a bouquet of flowers lying on the bench. Probably left behind by some spurned lover. The corner of my mouth turned up. I picked up a rose twirled it; noticed somewhat absentmindedly that the florist had shaved of f the thorns from the stalk. How facadious. I snapped the rose in half, with almost vicious glee, started plucking at each petal. _

_It was then she strolled up to me. I noticed her scent first, over her. A sweet spice with the clean wash out smell of detergent. _

_I looked up to see crimson eyes and honey brown hair flitting in the wind. She plucked the last petal from the rose in my hand, held it carefully. And then she blew it out of her palm._

_It shocks me and angers me that there could be so much difference in meaning when the actions were so similar. I dropped the crushed petal pieces from my hand. They sank to the floor, whilst hers floated in the wind before finally rustling down into the ground with finesse. Although she looked familiar, I couldn't quite place her face. What should i say to this stranger?_

_"That was rude. That flower was mine." The words jumped out of my mouth. _

_"Ara, i don't believe so. I've been in this park for over a hour. I saw a man present these flowers to a woman. She must have rejected him, because when she left, he dumped the bouquet on the bench before walking off." She smiled gently at me._

_Who was she I felt all the anger in me dissolve in the smile of hers. There was an air of elegance, mystery and something piercing behind those ruby red eyes that shone almost unnaturally._

_"Whatever." I scuffed the toe of my turquoise converse sneakers on the floor and looked away._

_She moved to sit on the bench beside me._

_The audacity! Who was she, it's not like i asked for her company. Here she was taking all the liberties as though she knew me. Hell, she didn't even ask for permission to sit on the bench. There were over 4 other benches around us that were empty. _

_As though she knew my thoughts, she turned to me. "Ara, is it all right if i sit here?"_

_What the fuck was Ara? "I'm cool." It's not like i can say 'No' after she's all seated._

_"My name is Fujino, Shizuru."_

_"Natsuki." I replied shortly._

_ "What a beautiful name. It reminds me of summer and blooming flowers and a swim by the beach in a bikini." She giggled as though caught in some fond memory._

_The small tinkle of her laughter was so pure and light, I wanted to know her more. It seemed almost magical in a world of forced laughter. It was as though there was so much freedom in that laughter of hers. _

_"My mum liked the summer. Personally, i prefer it when it's winter." _

_I had no idea how, but the conversation continued and continued. I found out she was from my high school. And somehow after that day we continued to meet up every once in awhile. _

A small smile crept onto my face at that nostalgic memory. Realizing it, i shifted my face back into passivity. I stared out at the trees, the old playground with its worn out slide and the bench that we sat. Maybe i should go and visit Shizuru at the shop she's working at. It's not far from here at any rate.

Much as i like my taking my Ducati for a spin, there are times, i enjoy walking. It didn't take long before i'm standing outside the shop. A huge flashing label of pink neon lights that read "Victoria's Secret."

Ahh lingerie, i love collecting them. I mentally chastise myself. I have an ever growing collection of lingerie and today i would NOT add to them. Today's purpose was solely to check on Shizuru. Not that she needs checking on. Even though it's just her second day at work, she's probably their top salesperson already. If that's even possible...

I slouch my shoulders as i walk into the shop. It makes me mildly uncomfortable to be surrounded by so much lingerie. Much as i love collecting them, strolling into these shops, makes me feel embarrassed. My eyes wander, over the vast range of bras and latched onto a black lacy one with red stripes. I took 2 steps in that direction before i caught myself.

_Uh uh, no way. I shall not be tempted. _

I avert my eyes, and scan the shop for blond hair. I see her, at the end of one of the aisle talking to a customer. Her back's facing me, so I can't see the expressions on her face.

_Oh wells. I'll probably talk to her after she's done. It'll be rude to interrupt. In the mean time...I could just allow myself a slight indulgence by looking at some of these new pieces of lingerie._

"Hello Nat-su-ki."

I jumped and turned around. I was so quickly raptured by some of the finer pieces of lingerie that i had lost track of time. "Oh uh. Hi Shizuru."

Crimson eyes focused on the pair of lingerie in my hands. Black lace along the edge with stripes of red running diagonally across. "Ara, that is indeed pretty. I wonder if Natsuki wants to wear that for me?"

"Baa-ka." I threw the lingerie back on to the hanger.

She simply smiled at me. It is a layered smile. "Why did you put it back? Did you not come here to add something to your spilling-out-of-the-wardrobe collection?" Reaching over my shoulder, she picked up the hanger and dangles that exquisite work of art in front of me.

I tucked my hands into my pocket and looked at the floor. "No, actually not. I urm...came here to see how you were doing."

Her hands still their movement. That is probably the only indication of her surprise. "Ara how sweet. I'm doing fine. Does Natsuki intend to wait for my shift to end so that she can take me out on a date to dinner?"

"What time do you end?"

She tilted her wrist. "Mmm in about forty five minutes."

"Yeah, okay sure why not. I'll just hang around or something. You can think of where you want to have dinner." The smile i receive is dazzling. It makes me happy, that something as simple as dinner with me makes her happy. "Why don't you uh you know go back to talking to the customers or something?"

She dangles the lingerie in front of me. "Maybe you'll like to buy this. The lace is of exquisite quality and the bra is made of silk." She grabs my hand and runs it over the bra. "Can you feel how soft it is?"

"Yes, i can." I recover my hand from her possession. "But no Shiz, as you already said. My wardrobe is bursting full."

"That's what your mouth says, but your heart says otherwise." She lifts one eyebrow at me.

"Stop playing the devil's advocate!" I tear my eyes away. "I'm not buying it. Bye. I'll see you later."

"Ara, i'm so proud of your self control. I'll catch you later."

Without turning around, I raise my hand over my shoulders in a wave and walked away from this shop that was full of temptations.


	3. Chapter 3

Shizuru chose a fusion restaurant for dinner. It served both Japanese and Western food. _It doesn't take a genius to deduce why._

With an almost silent sigh of happiness, she brought the ceramic cup to her lips and took a sip. As though on an afterthought, she offered the cup me. "Do you want some?" I looked from the cup of bitter green tea to the glass of pepsi in front of me.

"Do you need to ask?" I replied drily.

"Ara! It won't hurt to try something new every once in awhile."

"Oh, is that so?" I nudged my cup of Pepsi nearer to her. "Here, have a sip." I smiled evilly at her.

"Those things are choke full of sugar Natsuki." She gave the cup an almost snobbish glare.

"A little sugar never killed anyone."

"But it would take at least 3 cups of tea to rinse off the taste from my mouth if i took even a sip of that," she declared.

I sat back in my chair. "And it would take 3 cups of pepsi to rinse off the taste from my mouth, if i took even a sip of your green tea."

She cringed. "3 cups of pepsi is enough to make anyone diabetic." The waiter set a bowl of cold soba and grilled unagi in front of her.

"Do you still want me to try your green tea?" I asked.

The ceramic cup disappeared in the oceans of her hand as she held it possessively. "No. I wouldn't want my Natsuki to become diabetic," she said.

The waiter came back with a hotplate with my steak and an aluminium wrapped baked potato on the side. He was about to leave when Shizuru stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"Excuse me, but could you bring the lady some mayonnaise?" She flashed him one of those polite smiles of hers.

"Of-f course," he stuttered in reply and left hurriedly.

"And there she goes. Breaking all the young men's hearts." I forked a piece of juicy beef into my mouth.

She gave me an innocent look. "What is that supposed to mean?"

I rolled my eyes. "He looked as though his eyes could have popped out when you addressed him."

"Ara, is my Natsuki jealous?"

I looked up from my food. "How do you come up with such appalling out of the world conclusions from my statements?"

She rested her chin on her hand. "Hmmm."

"What? Eat your food. Your soba will get warm."

She laughed and ceased her staring at me. With lady like grace, she picked up some soba with her chopsticks and started eating. "Do you not find the holidays boring with nothing to do?" she asked curiously.

"Unlike a certain someone, I'm not a workaholic. A semester break usually indicates a time of rest and play." I slathered the mayonnaise onto my beef.

"Play. Play huh?"

"Oh i forgot, the great and almighty Shizuru doesn't know the meaning of the word play." She jabbed her chopsticks at me. _I find it cute that the action breaks her graceful and cultured image._

"Don't be mean."

"That's not called being mean. It's called fact."

"Just because i don't play computer games like Natsuki, it doesn't mean I don't know how to play." She emphasizes the last word with gusto.

I cock an eyebrow at her and swipped some of my midnight blue hair that fell in front of face to the side. "So tell me what do you play?"

The grilled unagi stopped its travel to her mouth as she put her chopsticks down. She ticked off the list on her fingers. "Well, I read, i watch television, i PLAY the piano."

"That's not considered playing," i remarked. "Playing involves having fun with something. You read and watch the television and play the piano for relaxation. That's called relaxing not playing."

"Oh. I know." She gives me a smug look.

I don't like the look on her face. "Uh huh..."

"I play with my Natsuki," she declared.

I choked on the pepsi that was in my mouth and spluttered. "You WHAT?"

"Ara. I said i play with my Natsuki."

I coughed and hacked to clear the pepsi that somehow found its way down my windpipe. "Don't repeat the statement like that. That just sounds wrong in all sorts of ways." A glint appears in her eyes and i immediately want to slap myself for saying those words.

"I wonder what 'sorts of ways' Natsuki is referring to," she says in a suggestively silky voice.

I huff out a breath and go back to cutting at my steak. "I refuse to entertain you Shiz."

"Oh."

She sounds almost disappointed. I look up to see a pair of puppy dog eyes looking at me. I quickly turn my eyes back to my food. "Don't even try that on me!"

"I do not know what you are referring to."

I refuse to look up. She teases me way too much. "Eat your food." At least she listens to me. A few minutes pass in silence as we both concentrate on our food.

"By the way, is Natsuki feeling better?"

"Huh?" That sudden abrupt question catches me off guard. "Feeling better?"

"Cause Natsuki was you know...That day. I just wanted to know if you are all right. I mean." She turns the ceramic cup in her hand. "You can tell me if something is bothering you." She puts down the cup of tea and her her hand captures mine and removes the fork from it. "Look at me, will you."

I look up. "Yeah?" I reply passively. I make sure my face is unreadable.

"You are my girlfriend. I know we're both new at this. And i know we all have things we don't feel comfortable sharing. But i want to know. Of course, I don't want you to feel as though I'm forcing you. I don't know how else to tell you, you can trust me."

_Trust? Sure, I've known Shizuru for years, and she hasn't broken my trust yet. But everyone breaks it. Love comes with the best of intentions and ends with the worst of results. I know better than to believe in these words. Just because someone means it, doesn't mean they will keep it. Still, I don't want to hurt her feelings when she's being honest._ "Okay."

"You don't believe me." Her crimson eyes pierce me. For a moment it feels as though she sees straight into my soul.

I force out a fake laugh. "What do you mean?"

"You don't trust me."

"Do you remember what i said when you asked me to be your girlfriend?" I slowly withdrew my hand from her grasp. "So -"

"Don't complete that sentence." She leans across the table and takes my hand again. "You are enough. Whatever you give me is enough. I am not asking for more and i will never ask you for more. I ask you only for what you want to give. Is that clear?"

Her eyes are dead serious as her fingers interlink with mine.

"Okay," i reply softly. "Okay."

Now she smiles. "At least you believe that. It makes me happy."

"Ba-kaa. You get happy over the smallest thing."

She releases my hand and stands up. Walking over to my side of the sofa seat, she sits down next to me. She then pulls her soba and her green tea across the table over to her.

"What are you doing? The waiter's going to think it's weird that we're crammed together on the same side of this 4 seater booth instead of opposite each other." I frown at her.

She grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers together. With her other she picks up her chopstick and starts to eat.

"Shizuru! You can eat your soba with one hand. That i understand. I'm having steak here. STEAK you know."

She leans over with an indulgent smile on her face. "Use your fork my dear. You have teeth, bite your steak."

"That's just barbaric! Uncivilized. Who gnaws on their steak?"

"Ara, i'm sure my Natsuki will make a fine example."


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks guys for all the reviews :D Yes i do read them although i may not reply to them. Is it customary to reply to reviews? I find it rather awkward if i do. But just so you know, reading all your reviews inspires me to write faster. Appreciate it (: I do hope that you all enjoy this story as much i enjoy writing it.**

_"Na-chan, I'm sorry. Please forget what your Dad said. He didn't mean it." _

_As if i could forget those word, I thought dully. "Is it true?" I could feel her warm hands stroking my midnight blue hair as i stood at the window watching the stillness of the full moon in the sky_

_"Of course not, I love you."_

_I turn around to look at her. Her green eyes were staring softly back at me. Yet in them, i saw the edge of disappointment._

_ I was drowning in them, the depths of emerald filled with recrimination. I could feel myself sinking deeper. Then I was paddling, flailing my arms, but no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't break through that surface. It was like hitting a translucent panel of glass. _

_Finally, I let myself fall. Watching slowly as the ray of light that pierced the surface of the water became dimmer. My lungs were burning. My arms and legs like lead. Was this the end?_

I jerked out of bed gasping. I sucked in a breath of oxygen greedily. I raise my hand and made a grasping motion, watching as my fingers close around air. I am safe.

It takes me a few seconds to orientate myself. _My room_, i assured myself repeatedly. _Just a dream._

I glance at the green light on my desk. 4.47am. I could get another 4 hours downtime. In fact i could get as many hours of downtime as i wished. It's not like i have something in the morning to do. But i don't feel like going back to sleep just yet. I get out of bed and wander to the window. The crescent shaped moon glowers back at me sullenly. I can't help but think that it's different from 'that night'.

I reach over to my desk and fondle the handle of my penknife. It is reassuring. It has become a habit, a crutch. Simply holding it makes me feel better. I imagine the sharp edge cutting into me, watching the blood well up in small little circles on my arm. Closing my eyes i savour that image.

After awhile, i put it back into the pencil holder. _I try not to cut too much, a part of me acknowledges it is wrong, but at times i feel it is the only route of expression left to me_.

I flip open my cell phone, scroll down to Shizuru's number. I want to hear her voice. She is my anchor in this world that has no need for me. But it is close to five in the morning; it would be rude to wake her for my trivial wants. So i drop her a text instead.

_Maybe, I'll watch an episode of Bones._ I drop down into my seat and boot up my computer. Shizuru will frown at me when she finds out. She gets alittle miffed when i watch an episode without her. She says it's 'our thing' that we do together. I have to agree though, it has become one of those small little moments that we do so often together i've forgotten what it's like to do it alone. I guess i'll watch an anime instead.

My phone buzzes. I reach over for it eagerly. I crave company on nights like these.

_Good morning, love. Why are you up so early? Are you all right?_

She's always so sweet to me. Sometimes i wish i could reciprocate, but i don't know how to be sweet. I think i love her but i dare not let myself love anyone. So i maintain a distance even though i know it's inevitable that my feelings for her develop. _Right back at you, i didn't expect you to see this message till seven or eight. _I texted back

I spend a few minutes staring blankly at the screen, waiting for a reply. _The vibration from my phone woke me. I must have been in a light sleep. Do you want me to come down?_

I want her beside me, but that's selfish of me. _Sorry! I wouldn't have texted if i'd known it'll wake you. No, please go back to sleep, you must be tired._

Sitting there, i watched my phone. After around five minutes i gathered she must have gone back to sleep. So i swapped my attention to the computer. I had barely gotten past the opening of the video when i heard a loud rap on my door.

I decided, even before i opened the door that it was her. I wasn't surprised when i opened the door. Shizuru's room is on the 17th floor that's six floors above me. It takes her only a few minutes to get to my room.

With her sleep tousled hair, she smiled at me. "Ara, good morning Natsuki."

"I told you to go back to sleep."

"I am," she paused. "On Nat-su-ki's bed." She dived for my covers and burrowed herself in. "Ahh it smells like you."

I laughed at her childish actions. "What i would give to have one of your fan girls catch sight of you on the way down to my room. Your flawless and glamorous reputation would have gone down the drain."

Shizuru patted her hair. "Ara, i happen to think i look very..." she paused. "hmm, cool with bed hair."

I gave her a thorough once over. "Yes indeed. Very attractive."

She chucked one of my pillows at me. "Meanie.

I caught it smoothly and sent it flying back her.

Now, she propped herself up on that pillow. Chin in one hand she stretched out on her belly taking up the full length of my bed. She patted the covers, "Join me?"

I gave her a wry smile. "Nah, i don't exactly feel like going back to sleep."

"You look tired."

I rubbed at my eyes. "I am," i admitted. "But i don't think sleep will come easy."

"Something bothering you?"

"You can say that. More like a nightmare."

"Ahh, what was it about?"

"My mum." I replied shortly. I propped my feet on the table.

"Let's see. She became a zombie and hunted you down?"

I laughed. _How absurd._ "Shizuru!"

"But that's the kind of video games i always see Natsuki playing. It's only natural to think you would dream of something like that."

I reach over and ruffle her hair. "Go to sleep will ya. If not i'll feel guilty for keeping you up."

"Are you sure?" Deep rubies probe at me.

"Yeah i'm sure." I leaned down, hesitated then gave her a quick peck on the cheek. "Thanks for coming over," i whispered.

She catches my hand as i pull away. "Aww Natsuki is being particularly sweet today."

I feel my cheeks turning red. I flung the blanket over her. "Gah! Go to sleep. I'm going to watch my anime." _She's impossible. She always manages to make me smile. In fact, she elicits all sorts of emotions from me._

I watch her turn around under the covers. Then she whips up an object from my bed and puts it on her face. I feel myself turn redder as the two cups of my neon pink bra covers her eyes.

"Ara, this makes such a good blindfold. I think i'll sleep like this."

I didn't have to see it. I could always feel the smirk coming from the bed. I stalked over, and grabbed the bra. Picking up one of the pillows that had dropped on the floor i mercilessly stuffed it into her face. "I really hate you," i muttered.

"What's that i hear?" A muffled voice replied. "A declaration of someone's undying love for me?"

I ignore her. There's just no way you can win against Shizuru. I've learnt that by now. I plug in my earphones and start my anime. Somehow, my heart feels at ease knowing that she's just within arm's reach. I think i've come to rely on her so much it scares me.

_How do you stop yourself from falling in love with someone when it seems like you've already fallen. _I don't want to love her, i don't want to trust her, i don't want to depend on her. But it seems with every passing day, i'm doing that which i do not want to.


	5. Chapter 5

**I know it's terribly mean of me to release short chapters. Even i love reading long ones. please bear with me. Writing long ones take more effort. I'm a busy overloaded university student, but i'll do my best to lengthen the chapters :D**

***Hot pot – is a kind of meal/dinner style where there's a pot of empty soup on a portable stove. People sit around it and put prepared but raw meat into the soup cooking it and eating it on the spot.**

I ran my fingers through my cobalt hair before flicking it over my shoulders. I slouched against the lamp post. I hate waiting for people. I'm innately impatient by nature_._

_ Where are you? It's sweltering hot -.-_

_I'm sorry Natsuki! Tate came by to drop off some of my stuff at my house. I'm on my way. Give me another five to ten._

_I'll see you in the mall. It's too hot to be waiting out front._ I flipped my cell phone shut. Mai was the one who wanted to go shopping for the hot pot dinner we're having tonight. Out of the kindness and generosity of my heart, i offered to accompany her. I figured since she's doing the 'preparation' and i was doing more of the 'eating' the least i could do was help out with the buying of groceries.

What a bad idea. The midday sun high above me had long ago decided to show no mercy to anyone stupid enough to go out on such an afternoon. I'm not stupid enough to wait out in this heat if Mai is going to take five to ten minutes.

I headed over to the mall. It is just across the market square. The heat makes my sight quaver as i rub sweat from my eyes. I notice that the market square is relatively empty for a Friday afternoon. I guess everyone decided to take refuge in the small air conditioned shops. Either that, they probably didn't want to set one foot out of the main mall. I wouldn't blame them since i'll soon be joining them.

I was right. The mall was more crowded than usual. Rowdy teenagers in uniforms filled up the fast food restaurants. Mothers with grocery bags and tottering children filled the walkway. A child broke off from his mother and ran towards a candy store. I neatly side stepped the charging monster as he started yelling 'okaa-san, okaa-san" whilst waving a candy bar. I tucked my hands into my jeans pocket and weaved my way through the crowds of people towards the basement.

The supermarket in the basement looks worse than the first floor. It is teeming, packed with people who have too much free time on a Friday afternoon. I dread what the Friday night crowd would look like.

My phone rings, i fished it out of my pocket and answered. "I'm at the basement, just outside the supermarket."

"Ara? Is Natsuki shopping?"

"Ohh, hey Shizuru. I thought you were Mai. She's late. She's supposed to meet me to go shopping for dinner tonight. Please kill me now, it's was a bad idea on my part."

I hear her laughter across the phone. "Sorry, no help coming. I have work till about seven today, the manager needs my help out with some accounts. Just wanted to let you know l be alittle late for dinner."

"I'll pick you up," I offered.

"Ara, how can i reject an offer like that then. Actually, to be honest, i just wanted to hear Natsuki's voice. That's why i called," she replied in a sing-song voice.

"Stop spouting cheesy lines like that," i rolled my eyes even though i know she can't see them.

"I bet you just rolled your eyes."

_What is she psychic now? _"Are you done? Hearing my sexy voice?"

"Not quite actually. I think i'll entertain you until Mai-san reaches."

"Aren't you way too free for someone who's working?"

"It's lunch break now. Have you eaten?"

"Nope. Mai will probably whip up something for me to eat later when she prepares dinner. Hopefully something with -" The vibration from my phone indicated another call was coming through. This time i checked to see the caller ID. "Hey Shiz, Mai's calling. I've got to put this call down. I'll pick you up at seven outside the store."

"Give my regards to Mai-san. Do help me thank her for feeding my Natsuki."

"What? No way. You've got to be kidding. Okay, bye." _Why does Shizuru always have to do that. Say things that let me know that she's always thinking about me? _"Hey Mai, i'm at the basement outside the supermarket."

"Okay! Count to thirty and i'll be there."

I cut the call. Yawned and thought. _Here we go, right into the mass of swarming people. _

It took slightly less than an hour to finish our grocery shopping. It would have taken faster if Mai and I hadn't gotten into an argument about how much mayo we should buy. I insisted that I needed at least two decently sized bottles of mayo. She told me one was more than enough for a meal and more. I told her I didn't want to have to come over to her place and find that she ran out of mayo on one of the other days.

All in all, it took me at least ten minutes of persuading to get her to give in. It's not about the money, or even the existence of the mayo bottle. Mai insists that too much mayo is bad for me and if I were forced to have one meal without mayo occasionally, it would be good. I on the other hand said it was sacrilegious to even think about having a meal without mayo.

In the end, I won. So I don't have much to gripe about.

Kicked back on one of the sofa chairs in front of the television at Mai's apartment, I flipped through the channels looking for something remotely interesting to watch. I could hear the crisp sound of the knife striking the cutting board from the kitchen.

Finally, I settled on some animal documentary and waited for my late lunch to be served to me; one of the perks of being a terrible cook in my opinion. I get chased out of the kitchen the moment I set foot in it. Aside from getting myself a cup of water or opening the fridge to get soft drinks, Mai has a strict set of regulations for me regarding entrance to her domain.

In less than half an hour, I was served a few pieces of fried chicken with a bowl of rice and a portion of mayo on the side. Mai apologized saying that it was but a simple meal since she needed the time to prepare for the more elaborate dinner. I disagreed with her and thanked her. Anything that Mai cooks is delicious. Her simple is delicious, her elaborate is delicious. Either I'm not a very picky eater or she's just that good.

So I spent the afternoon, watching television and playing on my play station portable.

It was fifteen minutes to seven when I left on my Ducati to pick up Shizuru. The sun was setting in the horizon, the roads were slightly crammed with the peak hour crowd trying to get home. In my idyllic mind, I would stop a Victoria's Secret and Shizuru would be outside waiting for me. She would hop on my bike and I would drive like a mad person. She'll scream and hug me tighter till we reach Mai's apartment. Then we would have a scrumptious dinner together with Mai and Tate.

The thing was, I didn't know I had such a scenario planned out in my mind, until reality dished it up to me.

There was no Shizuru waiting for me outside Victoria's Secret. I waited for ten minutes and when there was still no sign of her I parked my bike by the front and headed into the shop.

I frowned when I didn't see her in the shop either.

"Excuse me, do you know where Fujino-san is?" I politely asked one of the salesperson.

"Oh hi. Urm, you mean the lady that took the shift before me? I saw her leave the manager's office around fifteen minutes ago. She took all her belongings, said goodbye to me before she left. She's really pretty."

"Yeah, she is. Thanks." I turned around and walked swiftly out of the shop. I rang her number for the fourth time. But it deferred me to her stupid voice mail that I was getting tired of hearing. _Where on earth was she?_

I was starting to get worried. It is very unlike Shizuru to go AWOL.

Even if she wandered off to get something, she would have left me a text message. Given that she left approximately fifteen minutes ago, and I arrived ten minutes ago, that would mean a five minute gap. Something must have happened within those five minutes. If she's on foot, she can't be far from here. Getting back on my Ducati, I decided to scour the vicinity for her.

_No sight of her_. Businessmen going home. A few ladies dressed up for a nice dinner. _Honey-brown hair. That was all I was looking out for._ _Come on, you have to be somewhere around here. _I urged my bike faster down the streets. I was driving in squares, combing the alleys in an organized fashioned.

My heart leaped, when I glimpsed that familiar brown hair styled around her pretty face. I hit the brakes so hard my bike jammed to a stop. Kicking the foot stand, I leapt off the bike. Relief coursed through me as I approached the small narrow alley. Then anger, at the sight that stood before me.

Three men stood around her. A heavyset middle aged man, a lean and lanky one puffing on a cigarette and finally the one I wanted to kill. He held Shizuru by her wrists almost effortlessly, his body pushed up against hers. I took in his appearance. Short cropped hair, arms ripped with muscles, broad shoulders fit in a gray singlet that was matt with sweat.

Then I took in Shizuru. She was struggling. I could see it. Usually she's strong enough to take most people on, but with that much muscle on him, she was having a difficult time freeing her hands. And with his body pressed against her, she wouldn't have the leverage or space to attack him. Her dress was ripped and dangling off one shoulder, exposing pale creamy skin. I could see the beads of perspiration on her face that was set in a grimace of both pain and determination. There's no fear, but i know inside, she's afraid.

"Let me go." I heard her voice ringing with authority cut through the stale atmosphere of the alley.

I heard the man reply something, saw him reach with his other hand to caress her bosom. I saw her wince and resisted the urge to charge right in and beat the hell out of him. I needed to think clearly if I wanted to get Shizuru and myself out of here.

I remembered how when i was eight. I had somehow gotten into a fight with a boy in the doujou. And as much as i was an experienced fighter, he had his kendo stick with him. Needless to say, i lost that battle. I'm thirteen years older now, and i'm smarter. Brawn and rash anger doesn't always mean you win. Sometimes, you needed a little bit of brains. All i needed now to gain the upper hand on these three thugs was a weapon.

Scanning my surroundings, I caught sight of a few rubbish bags scattered just outside the alley. Ripping at the black plastic, I rummaged through the bag of trash. The stench of rotten food wafted up the minute i tore through the thin plastic but i didn't care. Ruthlessly, i plowed through bag after bag, looking for something that would be weapon worthy. _Just be strong Shizuru and wait for me. _I know Shizuru's strength, she's a Fujino. That means she's almost as fearsome a fighter as me. But no matter how good a fighter you are, there positions you are in which disempowers you. Once you're stucked, you're stucked for good unless you manage to gain the upper hand by surprise or some other means. My fingers are slick with a variety of vile liquid clinging onto it but i keep on searching. My eyes glittered with delight when my hand finally closed around a short wooden pole that was splintered at one end and a bottle with a broken neck.

Then without a second's hesistation my footsteps were pounding along the pavement. "Get your filthy hands off what's mine!" I yelled. I saw him turn, those lust filled eyes of his switching to surprise.

I swung the pole downwards hitting him right on the head, I reversed the pole and rammed it right into his solar plexus. Then with great satisfaction and anticipation I swung my right knee up and jammed it as hard as I could in between his legs. He crumpled to the ground soundlessly i felt almost deprived that i couldn't hear his whine of pain. With my other hand I hurled the broken glass bottle at cigarette-man. He ducked and the glass hit the wall the rebounding shards cutting at him. I dodged his swinging fist, planted my own into his face. I stabbed the pole into his left kidney. The flash of movement behind me had me swinging around. I had barely a second to register the other man charging at me. I kicked out at him. But with deft movements he grabbed my leg and flipped me onto the ground.

For a split second as I was falling, I glimpsed the look of horror in Shizuru's eyes right before rough asphalt cut into my back. I saw his leather boot reach out to kick me and steeled myself for the impact. It didn't land.

I saw Shizuru move. With a clean precise movement she kicked out at his knee. I heard the crunch of cartilage as he fell. One his way down, I saw her elbow land viciously on the back of his neck. He hit the floor right beside me.

With instinctive urgency, I leaped to my feet and grabbed her arm and started running for my motorcycle. I gunned the engine and pulled her onto the seat behind me. "Hold tight." And then I took off into the night. I could feel my heart pounding and the adrenaline rushing through my body. A part of me, wanted to go back and finish off the men. I wanted to beat them up until they would have permanent injuries to remind themselves of this night. Yet at the same time, I wanted to take Shizuru far far away. Far away from here. Taking care of her comes first, over my anger and over my desire for revenge. I calm the rage within me.

Even now, I could feel her strong hands around my waist. They were holding me tighter than they usually would. Her body was pressed up against me and if I was right, the wetness I felt along my neck were her tears. So strong, yet so fragile.

I didn't know whether to call the police or not. Those men deserved to go to jail, but I didn't want Shizuru to have to relive the experience which was something she would have to do if it went up to the law. If she wanted to forget it, I would let her forget it. A thousand words were coursing through my brain. _Are you okay? What did they do to you? _But I knew how meaningless and stupid they were. Of course she wasn't okay. So I simply asked, "Do you want me to call the police?"

I felt her silent shake into my shoulder. I wanted to get her to my room, to somewhere safe where I could just cuddle her and make sure she was alright. I pulled her arms tighter around me, and increased the speed of my bike as I cut through the traffic. "Okay. Okay. I'm here." I felt her nod into my shoulder as more tears fell.

_She could forget them. She could forget it all. But no, I never would._

* * *

**Don't ask me why my muse decided to take this path for this chapter. Even i was pretty surprised at what i wrote. But don't worry, the story will carry on track and will over time address issues that i brought up in earlier chapters. Do review and let me know what you think. I will totally accept flaming if you feel this chapter is seemingly out of plot. Please beat my muse instead. :D**


	6. Chapter 6

**Short update since I'm alittle pressed for time. Enjoy (: I hope this doesn't disappoint the people who were expecting a more melodramatic scene.**

After we came back, Shizuru spent a god-awful long time in the shower. When she finally came out, she looked slightly lost. She blinked twice at me then sat down on the edge of my bed. "Is there anything to eat? I'm starving"

It was my turn to blink owlishly at her. _Huh? Isn't she supposed to be traumatized? Do traumatized people have an appetite? I don't know_.

I reached for the plastic bag at my feet. "I told Mai you were sick and that we were going back to the hostel instead. She came by just now and brought us the leftovers from dinner. There's quite abit." I handed her one of the plastic container that contained a mixture of rice, soup and various other condiments mixed in.

"Thank you." Without hesitation, she started eating.

I watched her warily. A scene from a traditional drama show pops into my mind. It involves the protagonist eating, and as she eats she starts to cry. I wait for an outburst of tears. It doesn't come. I start to marvel at her appetite. I hate to admit it. Mine has completely been washed down the drain. Even mayonnaise doesn't sound appetizing now.

"Erm…Shizuru."

She looked up at me questioningly. "Yes, Natsuki?" Wet cinnamon brown hair fell across her face.

I brushed it aside and tucked it behind her ear. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Well if you want to know…" She placed her chopsticks aside. With an index finger on her cheek, she rested her chin on the palm of her hand. "It was my fault."

"HUH?" _Is this what they called victim's guilt?_

"You see, I was going to wait for Natsuki outside the shop when I saw two men following this lady. I started to tail them. They made quite a few turns, and so we walked pretty far downtown. I was surprised Natsuki was able to find me as she did."

"I combed the area."

She smiled at me. "Ara how diligent, my knightess in shining armour. Anyhow, I was convinced they were indeed tailing her after she took a series of complicated turns and they followed. When they closed in on her in the alley, I yelled at her to run. She fled. I was about to take the two men on, when I was attacked from behind by a third man." She shrugged. "That's pretty much when Natsuki showed up. It was my fault. I was too overconfident. I should have paid more attention to my surroundings."

"That's being rather harsh on yourself. You saved a woman today. You should be proud of yourself."

Shizuru gave me a displeased look. "I am a Fujino. We don't make mistakes."

I rolled my eyes at her. "You're human, you're allowed to make them."

She picked up her chopstick and resumed her meal. "Well what's done is done. I deserved what I got for being careless."

I don't know what came over me. I hit her. One second I was sitting there watching her with concern. And the next, my hand was moving faster than my brain could register, and I hit the chopsticks out of her hand. One flipped over the edge of the container, the other one went flying in the air to land near the door.

I could feel my breath heaving in and out. It was only when Shizuru looked up at me with wary eyes that I realized I was standing.

"Natsuki?" she said my name slowly.

I turned around and walked towards the window. I needed to get a grip on my anger. Looking out of the window, I noted that there were no stars in the sky. The moon is out of sight too. I stare up at a blank canvas of darkness. _What am I doing? Shizuru needs comforting. Why am I angry at her?_

_But I know the reason. _"How can you say you deserved it?" I asked quietly without turning around.

"As I said, I was careless. It was my fault."

_How._

_Can._

_She._

_Say._

_Those._

_Words._

_And._

_Really._

_Believe._

_Them._

I walked back towards the desk and sat down on my chair. I notice that she has picked up the chopsticks and placed them on the desk. The container of food sits half empty on the desk. "Nobody." I took a deep breath. "Absolutely, nobody deserves to be molested or raped."

"It was a consequence of—"

"No, Shizuru. You're wrong this time. It doesn't matter if you're the scum of the earth, the girl next door, or even a prostitute. Nobody deserves to have their body violated." I rest my hand gently on top of her head. "And you. You're Shizuru Fujino. Yes, you're a heirness of the Fujino Corporation. You're also a beautiful and gorgeous lady. And you have a big heart, a bigger heart than mine. You think about people a lot more than yourself. You certainly didn't deserve to be…groped by the likes of that man."

"That was quite the romantic speech. Beautiful and gorgeous huh?" she grinned at me. "I didn't know Natsuki thinks I'm gorgeous and beauiful. After all, she never comments about my looks and always denies my attractiveness. Ara, you are turning red." She giggled.

"I…I'm not. It's just alittle hot in the room don't you think." The mood in the air seems lighter. Although, I want to ask her if she's all right, it seems as though she wants to put it behind her.

She takes the other container out of the bag and pushes it across the table. "Yes, real hot I'm sure. Eat up?"

Frankly, my appetite still isn't back. I take the container anyway. "Sure, I'll join you." I start to eat. Before a while passes, I noticed that Shizuru is staring strangely at me.

"Something the matter?" I asked.

"Your mayo."

I notice there is no mayonnaise in my food. "Oh yes, right mayo." I smile at her. "How could I forget? No wonder it's a little bland."

Shizuru pulls out my desk drawer and tosses me a packet of mayo.

I pour it onto my food. It's still bland. Perhaps revenge will taste sweet and nicer. I still haven't forgotten. They made Shizuru cry.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi, yes, I had such a tiring week, thank God it is friday. Lab work can be exhausting. **

**I spent a goodly amount of time on this chapter so I hope you enjoy it (: I apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors. I didn't have the time to edit it thoroughly. I did however, do a quick once over.**

**'Warukatta' means I am wrong in Japanese**

The rumble of thunder above me reminds me of a divine audience witnessing my deliverance of justice. My leather boots slam against wet asphalt, as I run. Water is trickling down my face, my neck, mingling with sweat. I dash my hand across my face and taste the copper.

I push myself faster. I barely stop as I round the corner. My breath is hitching in and out. The anticipation and the thrill of the hunt rushing through my veins. I call out through the pouring rain, "Hey youuuu…" A loaded smile found its way to my lips. "Keep running. It only makes it more fun till I catch you."

I see his silhouette in the distance, illuminated by the light coming from the window of the opposite building. I watch him stumble and knock over a trashcan. I laugh. I love it. They prolong my pleasure with their cowardice. I step up my speed.

There is no way he can win. He's the prey and I'm the predator. I am now barely fifty metres behind him. I see the panicked look on his face when he turns. He stumbles over a propped up cobblestone regains his balance and keeps running.

Then I am on him. I slam into him. Caught by both his momentum and mine, we make like a crashing truck straight for the concrete wall. He takes the brunt of it because I am behind him. My hands are slick with water and blood, but my fingers close around his wrist. "Hi," I barred my teeth.

"Oh God…oh God." His neck is crammed at an awkward angle as I press my body against his. "What do you want?"

I feel him shift his balance. His hand tears out of my grasp, not that I expected myself to be able to hold him. The knife he has tucked in his belt makes its appearance as he slashes outward at me. "Don't underestimate me you whore!"

I dance back, the street lamp over us giving me visibility despite the water dripping into my eyes. "Atta…watch where you're waving that thing. It's dangerous you know."

He holds up the knife with both hands. It's an attempt to retain a grip in this rain that is drenching us both. But that's useless.

I leaped forward. Stepping my left leg on the ground, and pivoting on it, i used the force to push myself to the right. I avoided his forward slash just as my left leg came up in a round horse kick. The knife flies out of his hand and clatters to the ground.

He lunges for it.

"Tsch." I stuck my foot out and watched dispassionately as he went hurtling to the ground. His singlet is drenched; grime and dirt cling to the fabric. I place a boot on his back, leaned down to grab his short hair. I wrenched his head up and breathed into his ear. "Now, it's just you and me. Can you fathom how happy I am at the moment?"

"What do you want?" he grimaced as I let his head drop back onto the rough pavement.

"You begging for mercy." I paused. "Actually no." I reach into my pocket. There is a click as I take out my switch blade. The handle is polished brown oak coupled with a rubber grip along the edges.

I see the panic in his eyes turn into fear. He starts to struggle to get up.

"Oh stop it. I'm not going to kill you." I reared back and shoved the tip of my boot into his stomach. I watch him whimper as he starts to curl up. I kick him again twice just to make sure he's in too much pain to run away. Pushing him onto the ground, I sit on his back straddling him. I cut his singlet away. The grey fabric falls around his body.

His bare skin is glistering with water.

The tip of cold metal is against his back. I feel him stiffen beneath me. Mercilessly, I push the tip in and start carving letters into his back. He buckles trying to push me over. I dig my heel harder into his side. "The harder you struggle. The deeper this goes in." I whispered. To emphasize that I meant it, I pressed the knife deeper. More blood wells up and is washed down the sides of his body by the rain.

My hands are trembling slightly as I cut the characters into his back. I feel the metal tearing into his skin, cutting through flesh, splitting it. There is almost a familiarity watching it. I must admit, that I am more used to seeing the blood on myself than on someone else.

When I am done, I close my switchblade and tuck it into my jeans pocket. I feel his body shudder and relax beneath me, when he realizes that I am done. I notice that my arm is still bleeding from the cut I received from him earlier before we got caught up in the cat and mouse game. But I disregard it as I admire my handiwork.

I frown. The rain is spoiling everything. I had carved the characters 'wa-ru-katta' into his back. But the blood mingling with the rain has completely obscured the visibility of my 'artwork'. _Well whatever._

I get up. Bending down, I grab his shirt collar and hull it towards me. I feel slightly disjointed from the world, as though I'm high on drugs. My eyes meet his, they barely meet for a second before his are averted. "I do hope groping her breast was worth it," I murmured. "What do you think?" I asked pensively. "Hmmm?"

"I…I'm so-orry," he stuttered.

I sigh and look up at the grey and overcast sky. The rain is abating finally. "Totally not answering the question. Well, what do I expect from idiots?" I said out loud to myself. I fling him away from me. "Have a good day, I guess." I blinked as I walked off. I am somewhere…downtown. I don't really know where I am. I'll have to retrace my steps to get back to my bike. I silently apologize to my Ducati for leaving it out in the rain.

I increase my pace. I suppose I should get back quickly and have my hand bandaged. It's been a long time since I've actually got a cut that wasn't out of a deliberate choice.

It takes me longer than expected to find my way back to my baby. Let's just say I wasn't exactly paying attention to the myriad of turns we took from the moment I found the jackass who molested Shizuru and when he started running. I lay a hand on the steel frame of my Ducati. I reached for the jacket that I left on the seat of my bike. I am grateful and surprised someone hasn't stolen it. Shrugging it on, my hand winces in protest as I fit it into the sleeve. I ignore it. It's just a cut. I'm used to things like bleeding. Hell, I obtain a certain satisfaction watching the blood pour out.

I can barely describe the sense of satisfaction that sits in my stomach. I feel like I can have a big bowl of ramen drowning in mayonnaise.

I silently congratulate myself for the past week of hard work where I spent a good many hours loitering downtown late at night. It has paid off. _Oh yes, it has._

When I reached the hostel, I had a takeaway bowl of ramen with me. I ignore the looks I get from the few students lurking outside. I know I am totally drenched; my midnight blue hair is plastered to my head in a retarded fashion. My jeans are soaked through too, although that is a good thing since the stain of blood is invisible against the dark denim. I marched to the lift, pressed the floor to my room. I am leaving puddles of water in my wake.

Almost in a daze, I whipped my key out from my pocket and unlocked my room door. Then I stood in the doorway stunned because the lights were on. I vaguely remembered switching them off. I stepped in.

"Hello Na—What happened to you?"

_Oh shit. What is she doing in my room? Now of all times. _

Shizuru is on her feet and next to me a matter of seconds. She grabs the towel from the rack and my sight is suddenly enveloped in a world of blue cotton.

"Hey hey! Ommph ...Gah." I pushed at the towel.

"Stay still," she commanded. "You're drenched. What were you doing out so late?"

"I uh…Can you put my ramen on the desk?"

_Hopefully that will change the topic. _

She grabbed it placed it on the table. Then she turned back to me and tugged at my jacket.

_Uh oh._

In a second, with brisk and quick motions she had my jacket unzipped.

My hands reach to hold my jacket in place. "I'm alittle cold. I think I'll leave the jacket on."

She brushed them aside. "Rubbish. You need to get out of it. It's soaked."

I steeled myself. When the jacket fell off my shoulders and into her hands, I waited with baited breath.

"Oh my god. What happened to you?" The towel travelled from my mussed up hair to the hand that she now held tenderly. "Did you do this to yourself?"

_Obviously she would conclude that. Ever since then…_"I urm…yeah." I lied. _Well it's not exactly a lie. I did incur the damage myself. What was I supposed to say? Hey, remember the guy who attacked you, and probably tried to rape you. Well, I got it from attacking him. But hey, it's nothing compared to what happened to him. _I'm sure that would sit real well with Shizuru.

She opened her mouth. Closed it. Wordlessly, she dragged me to the seat, and sat me down.

_Already, I am starting to feel guilty for this lie because she is wordless._

She rummaged through one of my cupboards and retrieved a bandage roll. I am slightly surprised that she knows where I keep my things. But now that I think about it, Shizuru pretty much knows my room inside out.

The slash on my hand has stopped bleeding quite a while back. Right now it is covered with a matt coating of dried blood. The cut itself thankfully, is not deep enough to require stitches. If it had penetrated deeper, I would certainly need them.

"We need to clean it. Obviously, we cannot use the toilet. Imagine the ruckus if one of the students sees this." Shizuru grabbed the bottle of water on my desk, and pulled the trash bin over. Sitting on the bed, she started pouring water on my arm.

I watched as the water droplets ran down the sides of my arm and dripped into the bin.

Reaching over me, she plucked a few pieces of tissue from the box on the table and dabbed gently at my hand. With deft and experienced movements she applied the antiseptic and proceeded to bandage it carefully. When she was done, she laid my injured hand on her lap before looking up at me.

Burgundy eyes caught mine. She sighed. A long, deep one. "Natsuki. I…I don't know what to say."

"You can say whatever you want to say," I replied honestly.

She sat there quiet, I could tell from the way she was postured that she was in deep thought. Finally, she stood up. "Listen carefully," she whispered. Her voice was soft, falling gently like autumn leaves. "These are my words Natsuki." She wrapped her arms around me in a warm embrace. I inhaled her scent in. It is a reassuring smell. I soak in the moment. As a minute passes, I realize she is silent. My head is resting against her chest where I hear the steady beat of her heart. Silence. Silence. And then it hits me. _These are her words. This embrace is conveying everything to me._


	8. Chapter 8

A bird in a cage, beating its wings futilely against the iron bars. One day, that cage door will be opened, but it will remain within its confines. The chains that were once visible are now but intangible binds that keep it rooted.

I am like that bird. I am not unknowing. I know so well these chains that bind me. For since the start, my life has been decided for me by the people who profess they love me. And that love is nothing more than a form of blackmail. As though because you are loved, you are expected to obey, to do things for someone because they love you. The worst part is they do. In all honesty, they love me. I wish I could say otherwise, but they do.

But all I want is for someone to love me without expectations. Someone who will love me without wanting something of me. Is that even possible?

I must be delusional. I don't want to reply to these obligations and expectations. I don't want people to tell me what to do. I want to do what I want to do, simply because I can. But that's easier said than done. These invisible chains exist in my mind, I consider all these people before I do something. Because they love me. Love…It's no wonder I really hate that word.

But occasionally, in fragments of times, I go crazy. I break loose, I do the things I want to, and as long as I'm not caught, I feel free. For that 5 minutes, freedom to do what I wanted to do. It is like restraining a beast within me.

I am not sorry. I still think I should feel guilty for lying to Shizuru. But that was my freedom. The freedom to do what I wanted to do. A part of it stemmed from a deep want to protect Shizuru, but the fact was, I had already protected her when I rescued her. My own pursuit of that man was nothing more than simple gratification for myself. It was the thrill of the hunt. The freedom I felt, in doing something everyone would have begged me not to. I can remember every vivid detail as my switchblade penetrated his skin.

They would have been horrified at the cruelty in me, the depth of my emotions, my ability to carry out revenge in cold blood. I don't think they can even fathom the idea that I own a switchblade. I am just a tamed dog in their eyes. To them, I am just a normal university student. And that is what they want to believe. That is what I let them believe.

I peel away the bandage on my arm. I feel a certain joy just from looking at the wound. It is a stark reminder of what I have done. It pleases me. It gratifies me endlessly.

I have taken to wearing long sleeve shirts to hide my injury. It is needless for anyone else to know that I am injured. I would just struggle with coming up with more and more lies of what happened. Shizuru thinks I cut myself. It is normal for people who cut to hide their wounds. I am no different. I avoid needless questions. I have done this millions of times, it is no different. Just that this is not a cut I inflicted upon myself. It is one I received. I think of it as a gift.

My arms are scarred on the underside. But I generally get away with wearing tee shirts because cuts on the underside of your arms are difficult to see. This cut is on the outer portion of my arm. Ordinarily, if Shizuru had a complete knowledge of me and my habit, she would realize that this is extremely out of character. A person who cuts on the underside of their arm would not suddenly cut on the outer portion of their arm.

I wouldn't. I'll admit it. It is a hassle having to wear long sleeves. Any decent self inflictor knows that. The weather is bothersome especially when it's hot. I hate wearing long sleeves for that particular reason. But Shizuru is just forming knowledge of me and my habit. It is only normal that she is ignorant to this.

My phone beeped and started vibrating. I peered at the caller ID and decided I should take the call. "Sup."

"Hello Natsuki. Have you had dinner?"

I can already guess why she is calling me. "Nope. Maybe later I'll grab the catered food from the dining hall." I hear Shizuru sigh. "Why? Is someone thinking of ordering delivery? Well," I draw out the last word. "Only rich upper class people can afford to on a regular basis."

"But you know hostel food is just, so…disgusting."

"That's what normal students like us eat."

I hear the defensive tone in her voice start to rise. "Are you saying I'm not normal?"

"Of course not. Just…spoiled when it comes to food." I grin on the other side of the phone call. I can't wait to hear her snobbish reply.

"It's not about being spoiled. It's about having standards Natsuki."

"Naturally," I replied.

"Now you're just patronizing me. I'm ordering sushi in for dinner," she declared.

"Sure. I'll share some with you. Order me the tuna mayo ones. Six pieces. I'll have some hall food. So that's just a snack for me." I'm not one to talk. The catered food served in the dining hall is pretty horrible to eat. I'm just less fussy than Shizuru. As long as it makes me full, I don't complain too much. But having tuna mayonnaise sushi to wash down the taste of my dinner would be pretty good.

"All right. I'll come over to your room when the food arrives."

"Sure thing. See ya later." I swivel around on my chair. I reach for the penknife in the square plastic pencil holder on my table. I flipped it between my fingers, spun it around.

I'm still thinking about what happened the other day. I still remember the warmth of her hug, the silent words; almost like a prayer. A prayer for what? A prayer to comfort me? A prayer for me to change? A prayer for her love to get through to me? I still wonder endlessly what Shizuru would have said if she'd communicated with words rather than a simple touch.

_I laugh. How ridiculous._ I toss the penknife back into the holder._ Here I am thinking about what she thinks of me. Of my secret. I must admit, I feel worried? I feel eager? It is almost as though I really want to know how she feels. It is strange, I do not care. I do not care what people think of me when I self inflict. But I want to know how she feels._

This is frustrating and stupid. Stupid. Assuredly, stupid.

My phone rings again. I pick it up without looking at the caller id. _What? Did they run out of tuna or mayonnaise? _"Hello, Na-chan?"

I blink. _Oh, not Shizuru. _"Yes mom?"

"Have you eaten you dinner?"

_Typical question._ "No mom. Don't worry I'll be eating at eight."

"That's good. Anyway Na-chan. Your Dad will be back from his conference overseas this Saturday. Maybe you could come back home so we can have a family dinner? It's the holidays for you anyway."

"Uh…urm…"

Awkward silence.

"Yeah I guess." The words finally stumble out of my mouth.

"Okay, that's great. I'll see you this weekend."

"Yeah, all right."

"Eat your dinner. Bye."

"Bye mom."

I lay my head down on the table. Bang my first lightly on the surface. What have I done? I agreed to dinner with my father. With my family. Talk about a way to stress myself out needlessly for something that has no value.

No…I eat those words. There is value. I appreciate my mom. I would do whatever it is to make her happy. Because she'll live, and die, in another twenty or thirty years or maybe more. Time isn't something you trivially waste. What if one day you look back and realized you had so much time but you never spent it with someone you loved and they were gone. My obligation to her will last till the end of her lifetime because she loves me. But when she's gone, I'll be free. Till then, I'll do what I always have to do.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys (: Thanks for still sticking with the story. Appreciate the reads and reviews. So enjoy (:**

Dressed in denim jeans and a blue blouse with frills along the sleeve; a sign that I relented to my mother's persuasion; I pushed my food around the plate.

I was served steak lavished in mushroom sauce with a topping of lingonberry and a sprinkle of parsley. All these displayed on a hotplate with a wooden frame carved into the likeness of an elephant.

The only conversation is the conversation around us. The whispers and chatter of the other patrons in this upper-class restaurant. The tinkle of metal as cutlery brushes each other, the clink of glasses tapped together in cheers.

Dark violet silk lined the tables and draped down. Sparkling light from the chandeliers above head heralded a somewhat romantic ambience to the place. But on this table that housed my parents and I, there was nothing but a thick tension of pretence.

I forked a piece of cut up steak into my mouth and chewed slowly. My father is dressed in a black suit. My mom is in an indigo dress that matches the colour of her tied up hair perfectly. Amethyst earrings dangles from her earlobes daintily. She is the perfect ornament on the arm of my formally dressed father, who has his black hair brushed back and gelled.

Here I am in jeans and a blue frilly shirt. I wish that I was dressed in my ratty jeans with my black tee shirt that has the word 'Metallica' in red letters splashed on in the front. I am only in this stupid blouse because my mother muttered a few words on social propriety and proceeded to look at me with pleading eyes. I couldn't care less. Like I give two shits about appearances and this façade of a dinner.

It seems like halfway through the meal, my father is unable to take the silence anymore. "How is your studies going?" His voice is deep, prim and proper. I would call it straight-laced without a tinge of warmth.

"Good, Otou-san." The words I am so used to saying slip smoothly out of my mouth like practiced water. I see the frown on his face deepen.

Then the creases along his face smoothen out, and I see him force a smile. "That is good to hear."

_Oh, I am surprised. Since when did he become so polite and nice?_

My mom smiles reassuringly at me as she lays a hand on his arm.

"Have you found a boyfriend?" he continues gruffly.

I can hardly believe my ears. _Is he being cordial?_ From my experience, and that is all my life, he has been shooting down my university, my studies, my life. I doubt there is even an instance in my life where I pleased him. "No." I catch myself in time. "Not yet."

"Make sure you find yourself an intelligent young man. He must be well mannered and brilliant." _Of course. Only the best for me. If I cannot be perfect, at least my spouse must be._ The corners of my mouth tilts up in a semi sneer. It is hilarious. My father, he would have been proud of Shizuru if she were his daughter.

Unlike me, Shizuru's perfect. The epitome of grace, beauty and intelligent. Of course, her only imperfection is dating me. "Yeah yeah." I suppose my patronizing tone must have slipped out because he scowled at me. _That's more like it. More what I'm used to._

"I heard from your mother than your current grades make you a second-lower class student. Isn't that quite disgraceful. You could do with putting more effort into your studies."

Ahhh, that's the dad that I know and am familiar with. "Being a first class honours student sucks. You have to go to all those boring talks and be on the dean's list." I am adding fuel to the flame. I should stop soon. My mom won't like an outright family squabble.

His face starts to turn a fascinating colour of red. "I am a well -respected man in the science society. I hold a doctorate and have published countless of papers. I graduated with first class honours in my years. And I have a daughter stuck in a biology program where she's of a second-lower class. Put's to shame my name."

I give him credit that he's not shouting. He still holds tightly to his values as a cultured bourgeois when he is obviously angry. It is my fault. I rarely talk back to him. I do not feel very tame today. "Maybe you could adopt that Fujino friend of mine you happen to like so much," I replied offhandedly.

"She…She is worth a million of you," he hissed. "You are rude and barbaric. You dress up like a man. Not a dollop of grace on you. What a disappointment."

My mom grip on his arm tightens and I see her lean over to whisper into his ear. She then smiles at me. "But Natsuki does so well in martial arts. You know, darling, she won an award in the taekwondo competition recently this year. It is quite praise worthy."

"At least there's something she's good at," my dad replied to the air.

Since my mother is trying to cover for me. I can afford to play nice. "I'll study harder." I swallow my pride for her only.

_Besides, it's easier to say I'll study harder than to say I'll start wearing dresses. _You got to be fucking kidding me.

My father goes back to eating his meal. He must be satisfied that I gave in to him.

My phone starts to buzz in my pocket. Fishing it out, I see that it is Shizuru calling. For a moment, I am undecided. I feel so close yet so far to her. His words spring into my mind. _She's worth a million of you._ I hit the end call button.

"Who was that dear?" My mom asked.

"Shizuru." I replied shortly.

"Don't you want to pick up the call?"

"it's fine. I'll talk to her another time."

"Finally. I see you've learnt some table manners," my dad remarked.

"Actually know what? Maybe I'll take her call afterall. Be right back." I managed to flash a smile before I left. _Ahh, I'm so tired of snide remarks._

I make my way out of the restaurant. The tight knot of anxiety in my chest seems to unwind as I inhale the night air. I loiter outside the hotel, watch posh cars make their way up and down the driveway. I spot a few people taking a smoke out here, looking relaxed. I am almost jealous. The tension headache that started with dinner is kicking up a riot in my head. I could do with my penknife now. There's this uneasy feeling inside me, it's like I can't breathe, my heart is pounding in my chest and the pain tugs at me. If I could just cut, this would all go away.

I stare down at my phone, I have no intention of calling her. I just wanted to get away from my dad.

No matter how many times I tell myself it doesn't matter, it gets to me. I hate myself for being imperfect. I hate Shizurur for being everything that I cannot be. It wouldn't have mattered if I had never seen the disappointment in my mother's eyes back then. But I had. One can't turn back time.

I wish for a little blood. A little pain. Alittle peace. The people who cut and say they wish for death will never understand me. I cut to live, painfully, with all my heart.

The blade tucked in my wallet hidden within a folded receipt is calling out to me. But I can't and won't use it now. It is almost as though I confirm the imperfection spoken of me by cutting. As though the manifestation of this act proves how disgusting I am.

Maybe I'll just go back to hostel now. Take a bus, a long bus ride.

Who am I kidding? Even if I want to do that, it's not like I will. I am the obedient unassuming daughter, who doesn't just throw a rebel fest party and walk off. I am a tamed dog in front of my family. With a substantial bit of bark, and virtually no bite. In a few minutes, I'll go back into the restaurant, finish up my dinner and listen to whatever goes on over the dinner table. Hopefully, in half an hour, things will have wrapped up and I'll be given permission to leave.

I take a last few deep breaths of the chilly night air before heading back in.

When I reached the table, the conversation now revolved about some kind of research deal that my dad was currently managing. Sliding soundlessly back into my chair, I forced myself to eat my steak. It's not like I have an appetite. It's just that the faster I finish my food, the faster dinner will conclude. I fork the asparagus on the side into my mouth; chew mindlessly. It is a vain wish to hope for mayonnaise. And needless to say, it would be inviting trouble to even ask for mayonnaise. My food habits are a vile turn off to both my parents. My mom occasionally entertains me. My dad on the other hand forbids more than a 2cm by 3cm volume of mayonnaise at any one meal.

I wash down the asparagus with a thick juicy slice of steak. I am careful to not stuff too much into my mouth. Far be it for me to get nagged regarding my food etiquette.

When what seemed like hours passed. The billed was paid, my mom gave me a hug and my dad handed me a wad of cash before they bade me farewell.

At least he makes sure I have enough money. I'm sure he does it because he cares for me. But another part of my brain simply convinces me that he feels good establishing his position as the provider in the family. I don't want to think about it.

The bus that I board is virtually empty so I carefully choose and decide on a window seat. Taking out my phone, I plugged in my earphones and hit the play button for my music. Long bus rides with rock music is my idea of relaxation.

A quick check at my inbox revealed that Shizuru left me a message. 'Sorry, I must have called during dinner. Do you want to go out tomorrow?'

_Do I? Or do I not?_ Sometimes I take vicious joy in being beside her. As though I'm an imperfection that she cannot do without.

'Sure. You decide on the events tomorrow. Afternoon pls. I want to sleep in late.'

She replies almost instantly. 'More than glad (: I know better than to wake you up early. You are a terrible morning person.'


	10. Chapter 10

"Nat-su-ki."

The tickle of words brush my ears. I simply responded by rolling over and protectively shoving my pillow over one side of my face. Having spent up till three in the morning murdering fiends and vampires, I didn't want to be awoken at the crack of dawn.

But the voice as well as its owner is persistent. My pillow is tugged away, and the irritating earworm has gone back to repeating my name. I contemplate murder with the holy shotgun that I was using last night.

I hear the mechanic roller sound of the curtains being raised. This time I pull the covers over my head and throw my arm over my eyes pre-emptively. Who. Tell me who in the right mind thinks that waking up in the morning to bright piercing sun rays is enjoyable? I have never understood the early risers who take sick delight in getting up at eight in the morning or even earlier.

My covers are mercilessly dragged off me even though I try vainly to pull them to me. The cold ouput from the air conditioner spares not a moment to send goose pimples sprouting over my entire body. "Mmphh…" I try in vain to burrow myself deeper into a bed that is made of sponge.

A warm hand brushes across my brow and sweeps my morning hair to one side. I latch onto that warmth and tug downwards. I am now curved around a warm body and I proceed to smile sleepily to myself.

"Ara, always so affectionate in the morning."

"Mmph shut up. Noisy." The object in my arms turns over and I am passionately kissed awake. Her warm mouth is moving against mine. My lips respond instinctively. A whine escapes when they are pulled away.

"Now that I've got your attention. Get up. It's 12.30PM."

Feeling rejected, I roll away and try to hug the cement wall beside my bed that hopefully retains some of my warmth and reflects it back to me. "Another half an hour."

"That's exactly what you said half an hour ago."

"I always knew my sub consciousness was brilliant," I murmured to myself. I open my eyes tentatively and shield away from the bright light streaming through my windows_. Oh right. A date. I promised Shizuru one. I should get up._ "I'm getting up."

When I am roused and partially coherent, I find Shizuru seated on the edge of my bed. She looks charming today in a white dress with a brown jacket. "You look pretty," I muttered as I sat up. I dash a hand across my gritty eyes.

"And you are such a charmer in the morning."

"Tis the truth." I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and wobble unsteadily to my feet. I fling my wardrobe door open unceremoniously. I grab my jeans, and the shirt at the top of the pile. Registering the color of the shirt, I then take a minute to pick up out matching lingerie.

"Just got to love the way you choose your clothes." A voice remarks over my shoulder.

I blunder past her to grab my towel as I head for the shower.

An hour later, we are standing together in some shopping centre that I didn't bother to register the name of. It is a weekday so the crowd is rather thinned out. It's the one thing I am appreciative about. Shizuru drags me to the eatery she has in mind.

One of the perks of dating Shizuru in my opinion. Somehow or other I don't have to invest any effort into deciding where to go. Not only does she spare me the trouble of choosing the place, she usually manages to pick one that satisfies both her and my eating habits. Perhaps the only day where I actually have to do some thinking is on Valentine's day. It might apply to our anniversary but since we have yet to cross that mark I have yet to find out. Last Valentine, Shizuru adamantly told me in no uncertain terms that I would have to decide what we would do on that date. Much as I was the willing candidate in such a task, I never expected the amount of trouble I would have in choosing a simple location or a simple itinerary for the day. I spent a good five hours surfing the net alone, another two hours calling Mai up and asking for advice and an hour more sweating the small details. Needless to say, I'm not very good at this.

Today, we are a quaint café. From a brief glance at the chalkboard, I gather there's nothing but sandwiches here. The prices are decent. A point of consideration Shizuru has learnt to take into account. When we first started dating, she picked locations that were completely out of my budget. When I remarked on it, she replied that she had the money so it didn't matter. After we finally had a sit-it-out session on why there should be a compromise, she started picking places where we could both afford.

"Sandwiches?" I scowled. "That's health food. They put too much veggies inside."

Shizuru points to a small section of the chalkboard that I must have missed out on.

"Oh…" _Burgers._ "I'll take the cheese burger with bacon then."

"Lettuce and tomatoes," Shizuru said.

"What?" I looked around. "That's all you're going to eat?"

"The burger comes with lettuceand tomatoes," She clarified.

"Tell them I don't want it. Or you can eat them for me."

"Ara. Natsuki should eat her vegetables. I think I'll have a teriyaki chicken sandwich and a pot of Earl Grey tea. "

Shizuru waved the counter lady over while I picked out a table. I am particularly fussy about where we sit in a restaurant when I have a choice. An enclosed area such as a corner usually makes me feel less exposed and safer.

When Shizuru slides into the booth across me, I gift her with a small smile. I enjoy dates out with her. It is peaceful and enjoyable, filled with quiet banter and the occasional deep conversation.

"How was your dinner yesterday?"

I lifted the pot of tea the waitress placed on the table and filled up the porcelain cup opposite me. With a nudge, I push it towards Shizuru before I relocate the pot of tea to the right side of the table.

"Thanks."

I watch her take a sip of her tea. The smile that lights up her face is always beautiful to watch. She takes pleasure in the simplest of things. It is an enviable point that I try to apply to my life more. "It was okay," I replied.

"Natsuki knows we've talked about this. 'Okay' is not an acceptable word. The weather is okay. The food is okay. The date is okay. Natsuki is okay. It gives me as much information as the word 'nice'."

_She has a valid point there. _"The food was delicious but lacking in mayonnaise. The company was below average. Did you tell the lady I wanted mayonnaise in my burger? I…"

"Yes I did." She empties a packet of sugar into the pot of tea.

"Great thanks. I forgot to say that."

"What did you talk about?"

"Studies… and you," I muttered.

She looks up from her tea and lifts an eyebrow at me. "Me?"

"Just a general thing on how well you are doing in school." I waved off the comment as the lady placed my meal before me. The burger looks delicious. I see the crispy end of a slice of bacon poking out from the bun. I lift the hat off my burger and scowled when I saw the tomato sitting on the dollop of mayonnaise. "Didn't you tell the lady I didn't want any vegetables."

She hummed in acknowledgement of my question as she examined her own teriyaki sandwich that in my opinion was more vegetable than animal.

I roll my eyes at her lack of an answer. She is deliberately forcing me to eat my vegetables. "Fine. I'll eat it." I consider it a trade-off since she remembered my mayonnaise.

"I am only doing well in school because of you."

I fork the crispy cut fries into my mouth. "How is your studies and me related?"

"Ara, isn't it obvious. I want Natsuki to be proud of me as her girlfriend." With delicate and skilful finesse she cuts off a corner of her sandwich with a fork and knife in hand.

Is she kidding me or is that a joke? Doesn't she see how perfect she is? There is no need to do anything to make me proud of her. "But you're so perfect. You, my dear Shizuru, don't actually need to do anything to make me proud."

"That is a big compliment indeed. I wouldn't say perfect. Natsuki is much more admirable. She is excellent in sports, she is witty, she doesn't care what most people think of her."

"I notice you mention nothing of my studies," I reply wirily.

"Studies are but a small ill representation of intelligence. I find personality much more attractive."

I watch her sandwich wobble and threaten to fall apart as she cuts off another slice of it. To my amazement it retains its form although she is more than halfway through it. I realize all I need is a small prod from my knife and it would fall over. "I'm glad you like my abrasive personality then."

She grins at me. "I am constantly enchanted by it."

I grin back at her. I reach out to poke her sandwich but apparently she foresees my intentions as her fork traps my knife neatly.

"What are you trying to do my Natsuki? I doubt my veggie sandwich interests you."

"Ahhh….For a moment I must have been overcome by my herbivorous tendencies."

"That is about as common as a blue moon; which is once every thirty years."

I give her a sheepish smile for lack of an answer. Watching her cut her sandwich is like watching someone play Jenga.

"By the way, should we make time to meet Mai-han this week? I am feeling apologetic for missing out on dinner last week. Don't give me that look Natsuki."

"What?" I glowered.

"See. You're pissed off now."

"I'm not pissed off. I'm just angry. Who isn't bound to get angry when they find their girlfriend in a spot just about to get raped."

"Which I didn't," Shizuru countered. "I know martials arts as well. It would do you well to remember that."

"You were helpless when I found you," I shot back.

"Which when he made his move and became distracted; I would have effectively disabled him and gotten away."

"Are you completely going to discount the fact that you were crying?"

Now it is Shizuru's turn to glower at me. "I was relieved when Natsuki came to get me. That is all."

"You were afraid of what could have happened. That means that you knew subconsciously you could very well have been raped."

"Fear does not in any way differ the outcome of the situation; which would have worked out in my favour. I am an excellent fighter. Guaranteed not as good as you, but certainly good enough to hold my own."

"I am not questioning your ability to beat that ass up. I am just unhappy over the fact that you could have been raped."

"Which I am trying to tell you is impossible. I would have gotten away."

"Are you now an oracle? Who knows what could have happened if I hadn't found you."

"Then let's stop talking about what if's because you found me."

"Fine."

"Are you being sulky?"

"Why would I be? I'm not the one that almost got raped." I flipped my cell phone open and typed out a short message and sent it. "I've asked Mai if this Friday is okay."

"You didn't ask me if I'm free on Friday," Shizuru replied incredulously.

"Well now you know. Make yourself free," I replied flippantly.

"You seem to think I will push aside all other appointments for you."

Her voice was dark, the words spoken softly. Delivered like the poisoned apple to Snow White.

I was quiet for a moment. I picked up the pot of tea, and refilled her cup for her. "Don't you?" I finally said.

"Ara. You're not wrong." Now she smiled. It is scary how fast she changes. "For my Natsuki, of course. Although I would prefer it if she asks me if I'm available next time."

I am being chastised subtly. "Next time," I replied. I lifted the cover of her tea pot. The leaves are settled at the bottom with trace amount of liquid. "Do you want more hot water?"

"That would be nice."

I waved the waitress who has been staring not too subtly at Shizuru for the past half an hour over. "Could you help me top this up please?"

"Of course."

When she left I whispered to Shizuru. "She's been ogling you the entire time."

"I am well aware of that."

"At least she's a woman. If it were a guy, I'll probably send a few death glares flying in that direction."

"Shouldn't you be more worried if it's a woman? Since it is pretty obvious I swing the other way?" Shizuru asked thoughtfully.

"Nah. Girls stare at other girls and mostly it's just cause they are trying to catch some nice male fish out there. And they just wanna know how to look good. In their brainless bimbotic way they think that if they stare at your flawlessly pretty face, or at your silky hair long enough, apparently it'll become contagious and it'll transfer to them."

"Natsuki."

"Hmmm," I look up from my near empty plate of fries. The burger has long gone made its disappearance into my stomach.

"You'll make a good conspiracy theorist."

I chuckle to myself as I drown the last fry in mayo. "I know right. I know right. Where are we going after lunch?"

"I thought about the beach."

My face lights up instantly. I miss the beach. I miss the sound of the waves crashing into the ocean, the briny smell of the sea. I miss digging my feet into the soft sand. I miss watching the sun set into the ocean, watching the sky turn from that azure blue to a pale orange. "Sounds good to me."

**Next up. The beach. :D I hope you enjoy the lighter turn of the story for now.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi guys, I'm going to be changing the ratings to M. Yes, you know what that means. It also means I have more freedom to write things that I previously could not. It also means I can develop ShizNat r/s more too. I am having my exams now. And will be quite busy for quite awhile. So I'm going to apologize for the slow updates. Bear with me please (: And do drop reviews! Yesss it fuels me to keep writing. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. :D**

Because the sun was still high in the sky when we arrived at the beach, we took a short detour to the swamp nearby. It was recently built, crafted in with a boardwalk so that people could enjoy nature without wading through the mud. You would think Shizuru has never seen a mudskipper before at the rate she kept pointing them out to me. When I asked her, she said the last time she had been to the marshes was when she in kindergarten.

To me, the scenery and the small little creatures that the swamp could offer me was bordering on ennui. Nevertheless, I found great joy in watching Shizuru. Like a child, she would go from one tree to the next, peering down into the mangrove roots. Occasionally she would spot crabs, mudskippers of various species and even an unidentified creature that was probably at my best guess, a lungfish. And whenever she did, she would yell my name or let out a squeal that was completely unbefitting of her image.

"Seriously. That's like about the tenth mudskipper you've pointed out," I said drolly.

"It's different from the rest," she exclaimed. "Look it's much bigger, and it has these weird looking fins at the side."

I peer over the edge of the wooden rail. "Right. It is."

"That's all you're going to say?"

"Right…It's different?" I replied tentatively.

"You have no appreciation for the creatures of Gaia." Shizuru slipped her hand into mine.

I pulled away to wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans before slipping them back into her grasp. "Well, I can't help that I'm more of a scenery person than an animal person."

"You like dogs."

"Yes I do. Dogs. Wolves. Cats. Foxes. Mammals. Not reptilian-like creatures."

"You mean amphibious," Shizuru corrected me.

"Same same."

"It's not the same. It's a totally different class of creatures."

I wrinkled my nose at her. "Yes. Miss finicky."

At first, I imagined that I would have a hard time prying Shizuru away from the swamp. Just when I thought she would never get bored; I was relieved to find out that she could and did indeed feel so. After seeing the same creatures over and over again, she finally raised the suggestion that we go to the beach. I had avoided doing so because I didn't want my eagerness to return to the beach pressure her into leaving the marshes. As it was, the sun was just starting to dip into the horizon when we finally arrived at the beach.

It didn't take long for us to find an outlook post of the sandy shore from on top of a huge pile of rocks. Perched on it, I settled down and stretched my legs out in front of me. Shizuru handily placed the edition of today's newspaper on the rock before sitting on it.

"Aren't you going to share it with me?" I asked.

She cocked an eyebrow at me. "You're wearing jeans. Me. White dress."

I shrugged. It was not liked I particularly needed or wanted to sit on the newspaper anyway.

"Is it a little too chilly for you?" I asked when the slight breeze that flit over had her rubbing her arms.

She responded by moving closer to me and resting her head on my shoulder. I wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her towards me. "Do you want my jacket?"

Shizuru shook her head.

"Okay, well tell me if you change your mind."

We sat, enjoying the change of pace around us. Time slowed, as the sky turned a vibrant shade of pink and orange. The earlier memory of prancing around the marsh replaced by a pensive mood of quiet. We watched, the clouds drift by buffeted by the light breeze. Occasionally, we would murmur what vague image we saw represented in the sky.

When the other couldn't get it, we would start pointing or using phases like 'that small wispy end is the tail' and 'that small gap where you can see the sky is supposed to be the eye.'

In the end, we were forced to acknowledge some of the things the other managed to 'see' in the shifting clouds was just ludicrous.

"There's no way that's an eight headed dragon. Looks more like a spindly mutated octopus to me."

"Well, hello there. The dog you claimed to see in the clouds earlier looked more like an exploding sheep. But, you see my dear Natsuki…any cloud in the sky can look like a sheep. On the other hand not every cloud in the sky can look like a spindly mutated octopus." she said smugly. "At least you can discern there are eight strands. So my eight headed dragon is a valid observation."

"Sure you win. It's a mutated, deformed, eight headed dragon," I conceded graciously.

"Of course it is."

Afterawhile, we stop talking about the clouds and quietened down to watch the scenery in silence. Time flowed, bent around us, as though isolating us in a space of its own. It wasn't something you looked at your watch or clock to measure. Instead, like our ancestors, time was marked by the movement of the sun.

It was a beautiful sight to behold. The myriad of colors washed in the sky as though thrown in there by a painter with careless but thoughtful strokes.

"Hey Shiz." I broke the silence.

"Hmmm…"

I turn my head slowly to the left to make sure that the movement doesn't jar her resting perch on my shoulder. Her eyes are closed, and she looks absolutely adorable with that peaceful look of contentment on her face.

"Do you think there is a God?"

"That's a random question. Why do you ask?"

I raise my right hand and pretend I hold the sun between my thumb and my forefinger. "I would like to think there is one. That there is some craftsman than paints the sky and decorates it with all these beautiful colours. Someone who engineers the smell of this brine and the feel of sand beneath my feet." I watch a group of swallows take flight into the sky. "Because it's so beautiful. And I want to feel that it's special. That it's a specially painted portrait rather than a random assortment of colours mashed together."

"Well, if it makes you happy, you could always pretend there is one."

I laugh. "That would be like deceiving myself. I want to know if somehow out there beyond logic, beyond reasoning, beyond this world, there exists a being who crafts this sunset for you and I."

She shrugs and snuggles closer to me. "Because you said 'for you and I' I'm more inclined to believe there is one. Maybe. Assuming there is a God, he must be pretty nice because I met you."

"We met because you were a busybody who sat down next to a stranger in the park."

"Ara. That is true. A beautiful stranger with the most mesmerizing pair of emerald eyes and cobalt hair."

"So you sat down next to me because you thought I was good looking?"

I see her smile as though caught in some fond memory.

"No. I sat down next to you because the image I saw was heart wrenching."

"So my looks are heart wrenching now?"

"It was the rose. You were peeling petals," she murmured.

"Isn't that what people do. You love me, you love me not. Peel. Peel. Peel. You love me not."

"But Natsuki wasn't doing that. She seemed angry yet inexorably lonely, I couldn't stand it."

_Was she always so perceptive? Why is it that though I was a stranger to her then she saw through me so clearly? _"Maybe there really is a God after all," I muttered to myself. The vestiges of orange twines its way through pink and the sea is now a reflection of liquid petroleum.

Shizuru opens one crimson eye. "Pretty," she remarks.

"Yeah. That's why I love watching the sunset."

"I meant you. But that too."

"Sap." I commented.

"Who was the one spouting some fuzzy line on God and fate and us?" she asked.

"You. I mentioned the God part. You added on some fate and us crap."

"Ara, now Natsuki thinks we're crap?"

I scowl at her. "Is that a trick question?"

"I'm simply reflecting what you said." Shizuru replied innocently.

"Well, what if I said we were? What if I said our entire relationship is based on superficiality? A desperate and mutual want to be loved in this world?"

"Hmmm," Shizuru drew away with me and rested her chin on the back of her hand.

The sudden loss of warmth left me feeling oddly lost. But I didn't say anything as I wrapped my arms around my knees.

"Well. Then I say that would be discounting a large part of us. The history we have, the moments we share our hearts out to each other and the moments when we selflessly give to each other. Although it is true that our relationship can at times be superficial, it is not that I do not want it to be deeper; it is simply because we are new to this. I do not want to rush Natsuki into trusting me. I believe that over and in time, she will come to tell me her true feelings, worries and fears. Also I do not love Natsuki because I desire to be loved in return, I simply love Natsuki because she is she." Shizuru turns to look at me.

But I turn my face slightly to the right allowing her only a side view of me. Carefully, I exhale slowly and swallow in an attempt to ease the huge lump in my throat. "I guess you're right. That would be discounting a lot I guess" I said slowly.

"You guess?"

"I mean ya." I tug slightly at the sleeve of her brown top.

The sun has fallen beyond the horizon, and the night is calling out the stars.

She gets the hint and moves closer to me and I am again reassured by her warmth. "Maybe if you asked me questions, I would share more," I admitted. "It is difficult…for me to talk. It's better if you asked. Even if I avoid answering at times, I do want to tell you. I just…I don't know how. I never had to tell anyone you know. Suddenly, there's someone who wants to know about my life. But in all honestly, I've never learnt how to say things."

"Ara, does this means that Natsuki is giving me permission to pry as much as I want?" she peers thoughtfully at me.

"Yes."

Leaning in she places a gentle kiss on my cheeks. I feel those soft lips on my skin, leaving behind a barely discernible warmth that spreads all over my body. "Thank you, my Natsuki, I know how difficult this is to you," she whispers. "I won't promise that I won't hurt you. That is a stupid promise to make. We'll probably hurt each other. We'll learn that trust doesn't always mean you won't get hurt. But it does mean, we'll always talk it out."

I am glad that the darkness hides my blush. The Orion that stares down at me with its twinkling lights feels like an audience to a brief testimony of which I bared my soul. I can only hope that trusting Shizuru is the right thing to do.

"Okay."

"You know…"

I turn to her. And realize our faces are so close, our breath mingles. For a moment we both freeze, the allure of her scent, the surging emotions that are a whirlwind in me is stirring a storm within. My last conscious thought falls out of my brain. All I register is those blood red eyes glinting in the moonlight. For a moment, I see a raging wild beast of wild desire in them. But I am not afraid. Rather, I want to meet it.

We've kissed before. But it's always been sweet and gentle. Now, together, right at this moment, we both know it's going to be different.

She pulls back. I see fear flash in her eyes. And then I am pulling her towards me.

I see the brief wicked smile of hers before our lips crash together in a fierce passionate and wild dance.

**Next up. On with the PLOT! Yes the plot! I have not forgotten about it. And hopefully, being 'exam free' SOON my muse will have lots of time and space to write a nice long chapter :D**


	12. Chapter 12

I am very sorry for the slow update and for disappointing any readers who are looking forward to further chapters. I must admit my muse has flown out of the window. I found these words extremely difficult to write. So, it may be quite awhile to my next update. Current changes in my life are also making things difficult for me. Nevertheless, Merry Christmas everyone (: Appreciate the reviews and thank you all for following my story thus far! Hopefully reviews might get my muse into shape, if not, I would just need alittle time. Thanks for the understanding :D I do hope everyone has a good Christmas and New Year!

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One could say that my relationship with Shizuru wasn't one of love. Not purely anyway. It was a twisted relationship of love and hate. It's ironic, to fathom that deep inside a part of me; I hated my girlfriend. And I hated that part of me for it. I hated myself for hating her. But there was nothing to be done of it.

Perhaps I hated it that with an ease so natural, she was the epitome of perfection that I could never be. I know I hated her because I loved her. I hated her because a small part of me trusted her. You could say I was incapable of feeling love without feeling the hate. All my life I grew up thinking and knowing that love was a fucked up story. So the fact that I loved her made me feel like I was the biggest idiot in the world. I, who mocked love, loves someone. I told myself to be smarter, to not fall in love, but the truth was that I had already fallen. Oh how I despised myself that I loved. Because I loved, therefore I hated. Now that I look at it, it must be God's game with me.

I can't help these thoughts that plague my mind. Since that day at the beach, I've been feeling impossibly vulnerable. So much so I feel like avoiding her. To see her would make me feel known. I don't want to be known by anyone. Strangely, the fact that I've been trying subtly to avoid her has shown me how much she takes to spend time with me. Thinking back, it's actually a very recent development. Because it seems that ever since she caught me cutting, she has been going out of her way to spend an inordinate amount of time with me I've only just come to the revelation. Perhaps she thinks her presence soothes me?

I have no idea. After that day we kissed, it was like my world fell down on me. Because it was good. Because it better than good. Because when her lips moulded around mine, and her tongue fought for dominance inside my mouth I could feel the fingers on my face, I could taste her. I could feel her gently sucking on my tongue before she tilted my head, and plunged hers deeper into my mouth, probing. And the worst was that, I could feel the heart that I thought I didn't have. We made love with our mouths. It was intense, it was mind shattering. I think I could barely see the haze of lust and love at that point of time.

Now it feels like a lie. How could someone like her make me feel so incredibly loved? If love was a lie? I wish I could be ignorant of these feelings. I know she will leave one day, they all do. Why did I have to go and fall for her?

Days, they go by. Every day makes me hate myself a little more. Every day makes me feel like I'm making the biggest mistake in my life. But I can't stop myself. I tell myself, I should just pick one. Love or hate. Settle for one and I wouldn't be so conflicted. By the years that have ingrained itself in me won't let me. I don't think it is possible for someone like me to feel love without feeling hate.

Although my heart and my mind feels like this huge tangled mess of thoughts and worries and doubts, it seems that to Shizuru nothing has changed. Well except for her newly acquired habit of incessantly asking me questions.

She has taken me up on my suggestion. So I've been getting a huge influx of questions. Random ones, irrelevant ones, weird ones and stupid ones. The other day, she asked me "Natsuki. Why do you prefer dogs over cats?"

And so I thought that was a stupid question. Anyone with half a brain would know my answer. "Dogs are loyal." I replied shortly.

"Well…Aside from them being loyal, what else do you like about dogs?"

I start to think about a coat of warm white fur and huge paws, but I know that's not the answer Shizuru is looking for. "I think dogs are devoted creatures. They still hang around or stay with their owner even if the owner beats or ill treats them."

"Ara, so Natsuki approves of abusive relationships?"

"NO!" Sheesh how can she get me flustered over one simple sentence. "I just mean, I think it's amazing how dogs can still love though they are mistreated. It's as though they see the best in someone and without wavering, love devotedly."

And so after I gave that answer, Shizuru just replied with a long 'Ahhhhh' as though she gained some enlightenment or great insight into me.

Still some days I get weird questions. Like "Natsuki why do you always close the room door, when I want it open?"

I wonder, why she didn't use to ask these questions. Was she afraid that somehow these mundane questions were a sign of a bigger and deeper inset insecurity that I had? I have no idea. Now I am reduced to answering very sudden and random questions. Of which, have actually made me more acutely aware of certain habits that I never knew I had. Like for example, I never knew that I had an OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive personality disorder) when it came to open doors and running aircons.

It seemed an automated reflex to close doors especially when they were open. More so if the air conditioner was running. In my opinion it's just a pure waste of cold air which in turn would make the air conditioner run harder. I realized it was an OCPD, when Shizuru left it open, and told me not to close it. And for the subsequent five minutes of which the door remained open, I couldn't pay attention to my work.

And when Shizuru came back and found me stuck at the page of my lecture notes, I very calmly told her that somehow the fact that the door remained opened was the cause of it.

She promptly closed it and proceeded to do her own work whilst occasionally giving me the 'hawk-eye' when I drifted off into my own world.

Shizuru studies with me mostly to make sure I concentrate on my work, the side benefit lies in that she is usually able to answer queries I have that I don't understand in my work. I study life sciences in University and Shizuru's a medicine student. Because these two specializations of majors are to a certain extent similar, Shizuru has a generalized understanding of my course syllabus. Not to mention Shizuru somehow has this ability to know everything. I have no idea where she picks up her knowledge from. Well in fact, I have a pretty good guess. They lie in the thick textbooks that I sometimes see in her room. They change weekly as a matter of fact. And unlike me, who borrows them from the library and return them barely touched, I bet Shizuru actually reads them.

That was a week before school started.

The reality is that now a new semester has started along with classes. And, my 'pretend it does not exist' approach to the changes in our relationship has finally set in. Needless to say, it is and has been distracting me. I have been on a 'no-show' for my lectures and have thus accumulated video recordings of multiple lectures, which I should have attended in person, to watch. Yet I lack the energy to even stone in front of my computer to watch them. Studying or attending classes has become this tasteless ash to me. I am about as inspired or motivated as a lizard basking under the morning sun.

The fact that I've holed up in my room has not escaped Shizuru. But she is too busy to fish me out of the room with her eight to five schedule and the influx of 'check-in' duties she has to take care of as the room administrator for the hostel.

I admit to being a good for nothing piece of trash in my current state. My thoughts and emotions have been in such a swirl denying or putting up a façade the week before has done nothing to ameliorate them.

They say love is supposed to make things better, or make you feel on top of the world. Whoever said that must have been lying. What happened that day at beach has jarred me into reality. A reality of the love that I am capable of. No, not a love that I am capable of but a love that I have. I cannot reconcile myself to it. How can I possibly? To love her is to hate myself. To hate her is to hate myself. Regardless of what I do, I hate myself for it.

It seems cowardly and foolish but I have gone back to cutting. It seems the only way I can sort my thoughts out or at least gain a few moments of reprieve from all the emotions within me. With that reprieve too comes a slight motivation and conscience to actually accomplish my work.

I tug at my tee shirt, rolling up the sleeves. With a deft and sure movement, I bring the penknife to rest again the bare flesh of my shoulder. I push it in and pull. I watch the metal cut into flesh, gently parting it. I watch the welling of red liquid gather and form a line and then a droplet that pulled by gravity rolls down. I pat at it with tissue, decide, that it would be better to take off my shirt in case I stain it. I pull it over my head and toss it onto the bed. I am seated at my table in just my bra and jeans.

Another line…

I drag the blade one more time along pearly white flesh. I exhale a breath gently as the parallel lines on my shoulder continue to glisten with blood. I watch the travel of the droplets of blood down the creamy lines of my shoulder blade before catching it with a tissue. It renews itself from the source yet again, I repeat this until the blood clots and there is no more flowing droplets of blood just a crusty layer of dried blood on my shoulder.

I run my fingers over it. It doesn't hurt. Sometimes I feel a soft biting pain when I cut, more often than not, I feel nothing. I've read online that people cut to feel pain. I don't. I don't feel pain. I cut to see the blood. I am fascinated by this liquid that can be said to be the life force of a person. I cut to know, that even though I may not feel pain, I am alive. I don't need to feel pain to be alive. My blood tells me I'm alive.

It does nothing. It doesn't take away the fact that I hate/love Shizuru. It doesn't take away the fact I hate myself. It takes away nothing. It just gives me rest. In this moment now, I feel as though nothing in the world matters just this heady feeling that spins in my head that prevents any coherent thought from coming through.

I've heard some people say that they long for death because it would mean feeling nothing. Then this is death for a living person.

I feel nothing now. Not even numbness. That is the thing about cutting. Sometimes I cut because I want to feel nothing. Sometimes, I feel so numb, I cut to feel something. But this feeling has to be one of the best in the world because it is neither. It is an emptiness that does not leave you hollow. And although I know it changes nothing, it is probably the best illusion anyone can have.

And I, Kuga Natsuki, feel safe and blanketed in this illusion of mine.

**A/N**_ Do let me know your thoughts on this chapter, as the abandonment of my muse has left me with writers block. Appreciate reviews, feedback or suggestions too (:_


	13. Chapter 13

**I decided to post this up to all my readers out there as I wish you all a very Happy New Year ahead. Thanks for all the reviews and for following the story.**

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I was tired and exhausted from having a day full of lectures of which i actually attended. For now, I just wanted to finish up the last tutorial class for the day and get my sorry ass back to hostel, have my dinner and then spend the rest of the night as a lazy slob watching anime in front of my computer or lying in bed reading some mystery or thriller novel.

As luck would have it, when I strode into my tutorial class, I could barely restrain the snarl that curled on my lips. I maneuvered myself to the furthest corner in the room away from which she sat.

Tomoe Marguerite, year 2 life science student on the Deans list who interns occasionally at the hospital Shizuru is attached to, is in my class. It can't be helped there are only 2 slots for tutorial sessions, and since we are both in the same year and course, one can say given fifty-fifty, I've been dealt the bad hand.

I don't think she knows me. But I know her. Her reputation precedes her. Not only is she arrogant, apparently she tends to treat people who are not as intelligent as her condescendingly. And I, despise arrogant people who think they are better than others because of their ability. It reminds me, no surprise there, of my Dad.

Professor Midori entered the room and I gave no further thought to the teal haired girl. After a brief run through and summary of the past few lectures, the young professor with lime green eyes told us to break into groups and discuss the questions she had written on the board.

I immediately sought to form a group with the people nearest to me. But for life to go as I wished, apparently requires skills that I do not currently possess.

"Hi, do you mind if I join your group?" I heard those words politely requested in a neat British accent.

I looked up and groaned inwardly. If she wasn't being deliberate, then I don't know what she was. To traverse from the right side of the room to the left side especially when there are so many groups around, it is more than obvious that she has an ulterior motive in joining my group.

The members of my 'forming group' seemed surprised at her appearance, but immediately told her it would be no problem.

She smiled, a slightly sickly saccharine smile that made my hackles raise as she drew a chair over next to me. "I'm Tomoe Marguerite."

Introductions went round the circle before it came to me. "Kuga, Natsuki."

Tomoe gave me a nod before looking back at everyone else. "Perhaps we could get started with the question?" She read out the question we were allocated. _ What are the enzymes and molecules involved in the glycolysis and the Citric Acid Cycle? Write down in detail the process. _

"Hmmm…" I watched as she pursed her lips and glanced downwards thoughtfully. "Since there are five of us, let's split the work. Me and Kuga-san will take the citric acid cycle, will your three be alright with glycolysis."

Because I didn't want to be working together with her alone, I raised a suggestion. "Perhaps 3 people should do the citric acid cycle and two people glycolysis. The citric acid cycle has more steps doesn't it?"

"It's around the same," Tomoe replied. "But well if you think so that maybe you and I shall do glycolysis instead."

Here I was thinking, that she would invite one of the other members to work with us on the citric acid cycle part of the question, instead she swapped the topic and had both of us working together. _No luck coming for me I guess. _"Okay."

The other three members turned to each other and started their internal discussion. That left me with Tomoe who went, "Shall we start?"

"Of course. Let's see glucose, then glucose-6-phosphate, then fructose-6-phosphate followed by fructose 1,6- bisphosphate."

"Very good," she beamed at me as a proud parent would beam at their child. I can't help but feel that it is slightly patronizing. "The enzymes are…" she wrote them down next to the arrows leading from every molecule that I named to the next.

I frowned. "I'm not sure what comes next," I said when she stopped at the end.

"That is no problem at all. I believe, I do know what comes next."

I watched in silence as she wrote out the entire pathway from enzymes to each sub molecule with ease; barely pausing to think. When she was done, she nudged the paper over to me. "Would you like to check them?" There was an air of smug superiority around her, although she said those words politely.

I eyed the neatly written words in black. "Urm, I suppose it should be correct. I'm not really sure. So even if it were wrong, I doubt I would be able to distinguish any mistakes."

"Oh, yes I forgot. Since I doubt I made any mistake, maybe you could look through it, and learn what you do not know."

"Thanks." I repeated the following words of the pathway silently. I doubted there were any mistakes.

Her cultured British tones interrupted me. "Do you happen to know a Fujino Shizuru."

_What does she want with Shizuru? _"As a matter fact I do. She is my best friend. Why?" I quirked an eyebrow at her.

"I was pretty sure I recognized you and Fujino-san together before. So I merely thought to enquire."

"I see." I resumed my glance at the paper.

"She is a very talented person is she not?" Tomoe asked in a curious voice.

Talented. Talented is an understatement when it comes to Shizuru. "Yes, I suppose you could say that."

Tomoe made a grunt of agreement. "I've worked with her before in the hospital. We had the luxury of tending to the same patient."

"What were you doing there?" I inquired.

"Oh. Just recording the ECG of a patient recovering from a heart attack. It was a project I was assigned on. I'm on the Research Society because of my grades."

"How nice." I remarked.

She smiled at me. "Perhaps the three of us could have lunch together some time. I got along quite well with Fujino-san the first time."

I grunted. I didn't want to seem rude by rejecting her. She seems nice so far, but the fact that news of her character caught wind to even my ears makes me doubt her true face. "Maybe."

"Do you think next Wednesday would be a good idea?" Tomoe pressed the subject.

I shrugged. "I don't know my timetable next week, I may have something on," I replied in the most disinterested tone I could pull off.

"Ohh…well then."

She seems to have taken the hint because she didn't say any more.

"Time's up." Professor Midori said. "Please check your answers." The answers to our questions flashed onto the screen.

I compared the sheet of paper in front of me to that of the projected image and had to admit, it was an identical copy. "Good job."

"You know Kuga-san, I could tutor you if you needed. You seem like a rather nice person and I wouldn't mind."

"I…ahhh. It's okay. Thanks for offering. I appreciate it. I just happened to come for class without studying this chapter finish. I'm usually okay," I lied glibly. Hell, I rather Shizuru teach me any time over this teal haired lady with her fake smile.

I packed up my bag, and gave her a wave when the class was dismissed. I was on the way back to hostel, when I brushed past Shizuru who just came out of class.

"Natsuki," she said smoothly and took my elbow as we walked.

I struggled to look her in the face. "Urm hi." Her light brown hair fell in waves across her face and the smile on her face was gentle but there were signs of fatigue around her burgundy eyes.

"Something wrong?" she asked quite alarmed by my rather awkward respond.

"Uh no." I cleared my throat. For a moment I was taken aback by just how much I've missed her. The fact that I've been deliberately avoiding her has done nothing to diminish my affection for her as I expected it would. Instead, it seems that her absence has made my heart fonder. I struggled to find something to say that would hide my thoughts. "Ah…I met a girl in my class that knows you."

"Really? What's her name?"

"Tomoe Marguerite."

A slight frown mars her face. "Blue hair. Rather angular face. Nice features overall. Although not as pretty as Natsuki's."

I raise an eyebrow, largely pleased by the latter part of her statement. "Oh you remember her."

"We worked on a patient together a little while back. She was rather brilliant."

"No surprise there," I muttered. "She thought the same of you."

"Ara. I'm flattered."

I rolled my eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me Natsuki."

"The amount of praise you receive a day alone. It's a wonder your head still fits through the door. First, the professors and the doctors. Now you have random students shouting your praise."

"Ara that's to compensate the fact that my own girlfriend won't praise me."

I lift an eyebrow at her, her implication in that sentence very clear. "Now you want me to say you're brilliant?" I shook my head. "If I said that, you might get stuck outside the door to the canteen. Not a very good idea if I'm to have dinner together with you."

She pouted at me. The great almighty Shizuru pouted at me. "No?" she asked tentatively.

"No." I emphasized.

"Come on, let's go grab some dinner miss..." The word hung on the tip of my mouth and I finally whispered "brilliant."

She didn't hear me as she took my hand and we headed towards the dining hall for a dinner that was likely unpalatable to Shizuru and merely edible to me.

A/N Aha! Here comes Tomoe. And we all know what she brings with her appearance. Trouble :/


	14. Chapter 14

I pushed, prodded and poked the rice around my plate. Brown rice with sesame chicken and some broccoli is not in my opinion food. I know I have to eat, but sometimes, not eating feels better than eating food that is unappetizing.

Shizuru is seated opposite me dishing food into her mouth at such a constant pace, one can hardly tell that it is distasteful to her. She's good at this kind of things. Pretending something is all right even if it's horrible.

"It's terrible," I remarked.

"I know," Shizuru replied blandly. "Nevertheless you still have to eat."

I sighed. "I know, I'm eating." I nibbled at a mouthful of brown rice. "What do you think of Marguerite?" I asked curiously. _I don't really like the girl very much_. "She wanted to have lunch with us one of these days. She said…" I trailed off.

"She said?"

"Urm, she said she got along quite well with you."

"That is true. As I said, she is brilliant. We did have a nice intellectual conversation. Personally, I find it very stimulating to talk to someone who is intelligent. We could have lunch together if you would arrange it?"

Shizuru seems to like her. But I don't. There's something about the smile that she gives me that puts me off. "All right, I suppose I could arrange it. She is smart," I admitted grudgingly. "She's on the dean's list. Most of us know that."

Shizuru gave an approving nod. "Ara Natsuki should work hard and get into the dean's list too."

I give a short bark of laughter as I sip at the apple juice that's watered down cordial. "Not in a million years. If it were that easy, don't you think my Dad would be head over heels. Bet he wants nothing more than to show off the fact that I'm competent." I sneered out the last word.

Shizuru sighed. "Well, if you studied harder." She left that comment hanging.

I hate it when she says that. As though it's my fault that I don't do well. It's not like I don't study or try. I do. I just don't seem to derive much pleasure from it and that makes the task so arduous. "I'm not you."

"I know you are not me. I like studying." Shizuru paused. "You don't. But you could try harder to do it more. Not everyone likes what they have to do."

"Why? Cause I'm not intellectual enough?" I really hate it when people start crawling over me about shit like that.

Shizuru runs her hand through her tawny tresses and I see her blow out a breath. "You know I don't mean it that way Natsuki. You don't have to be so defensive."

"Oh? Then pray do tell, what exactly do you mean?"

"Well…I think it is normal to not like studying. Everyone likes different things. But in life, we often have to do things we don't like. And I think that putting more effort into your studying is something you can work on." It seems as though Shizuru is picking her words very carefully. "I know you haven't been attending classes last week. You could at least try. It's just the start of the semester. You shouldn't be skipping classes," she reproached.

I was terribly depressed and in an emotional upheaval a week ago. Of course, that's not something that Shizuru would understand. I simply did not go to classes because it would have been a waste of time. Far better for me to sort my emotions out then attend classes when I was in a better mood. "I wasn't in the mood then. I'm going for classes now."

"See. My point is that going to classes shouldn't be dependent on your mood or emotions. You're a maturing young adult, you need to learn to be responsible."

I grit my teeth. Obviously, Shizuru has never wrestled with depression. "So taking care of my emotional health by taking some time off class to clear my thoughts is not being responsible?" I retorted. "What's with you? Ashamed of your girlfriend who isn't smart or mature enough?"

She looks shocked. "No…no. I never meant that. I just…"

I picked up my tray of food that was barely touched. "Why don't you just go and find Tomoe and have yourself an intellectual conversation with someone of outstanding maturity." I stalked off. Of all the people, I thought Shizuru would have been someone who understood me. Who understood the stress I went through. Who understood that sometimes, I can't deal with influx of emotions, because I'm just not used to feeling them. That hiding up in my room was my way of coping with life and its expectations so that I could live. Was it really immature and irresponsible to want a break when I felt stressed out? It's not like I ignored classes totally. It was only a week's and I've even started to listen to the audio recordings for the classes that I missed out on. Self-righteous anger coursed through me as I marched out of the dining hall.

I noticed, that Shizuru made no effort to chase me. Instead she just sat at the table unmoving.

_Why? Why didn't she get up and grab my arm and try to explain herself to me. It's not like this is the first time we've argued._

I slam into my room._ Idiot. _I fling my pillow against the wall as I throw myself onto the bed. I would have thought she—She! Of all people would understand. It's not easy that I'm demotivated all the time. But can't she see I'm trying. I force myself to. And she still expects more. Well I'm sick of having to meet people's expectations.

I must have fallen asleep on my bed thinking, because when I next woke, the green dial of my alarm clock showed that it was close to 5am. I've had a good ten hours of rest. I turn over resting my chin on the pillow that I retrieved from the floor. I have a 10am class. But after the little falling out I've had with Shizuru, it makes me feel even more reluctant to go for classes. If that's even possible.

I suppose I take perverse delight in doing contrary to what people expect of me. There's a certain sense of freedom in that. I contemplate taking my bike out for spin. Perhaps I'll go to the other beach and watch the sunrise. Come back and play a few computer games in the afternoon and be a bum.

Pondering on that, I yawned as I booted up my computer. It's a Thursday. An episode of Bones would have been released last night. I'll probably watch it. Who cares if I watch it without her. Besides I'm sure Shizuru would rather spend her time studying than watching Bones with me. I jabbed at the keyboard harder than I usually would as I waited for the program to run.

_Shizuru the brilliant, the responsible, the mature_. Yeah, now that I think about it I sure as hell don't fit with her. I don't know why we are together in the first place. We're like flammable opposites that are going to crash and burn and fall apart. How can someone like me be loved and admired by her. I am nothing compared to her. I'm just a depressed kid with average results. She doesn't even have to say anything, I thought bitterly. Nobody has to. I am not worthy to stand by her side. Marguerite on the other hand. They would go well.

I hate the thought of them together. I don't even know why I am thinking about it. But they would match well. And who am I to object?

I check my phone. There is a faint blossoming hope that there would be a message from here. It is empty. I open the SMS tab that i have with Shizuru and stare at it. _Why is she not saying anything? Unless I am right? _

I smile bitterly, maybe for once i am right. But why then am I unhappy that i am?


	15. Chapter 15

Fujino Shizuru sat back on the hard chair of her hostel swiveling lightly. The room was unerring quiet, not even the sound of her neighbor playing music on her speakers traversed through the wall. Then again, it was even 3 in the morning, and even the usual night owl must have gone to bed. She rolled the cup of green tea between her palms.

It was unlike her to be drinking tea late into the night. The caffeine that usually kept her awake in the day would be keeping her up. Still, she found it relaxing to sip at the drink.

Natsuki was proving to be a problem. She had knowingly fallen in love with the girl knowing that Natsuki had a troubled personality that led her to be so defensive.

She brooded over the cup of tea. Maybe it had been a bad idea to bring up studies. She knew that it was a touchy subject with her girlfriend. From her experience, Natsuki was not lazy. Occasionally demotivated, but never lazy.

But her motivation was a problem. When Natsuki was in a bad mood, she abandoned all work, leaving it like a child, throwing a tantrum, to the wind. When she was in a good mood, she poured over it diligently, putting in an effort that could at times even rival her own.

Shizuru rubbed at her temples as she privately mused over the options she had.

She could apologize. But that would be simply sweeping things under the carpet. Her point stood. She wanted Natsuki to be a mature individual who wouldn't do things on a whim. But at the same time, she couldn't say she understood the depression and mood swings that Natsuki went through.

She had been shocked the first time she had caught Natsuki cutting. Even now the memory of it stung her mind and bothered her. It was one thing to understand that it was a coping mechanism that her beloved required, and it was completely a different thing to watch the person you love hurt themselve. For that reason and so much more, she vowed not to give up on Natsuki. But to find the line between not assuming she knew what Natsuki went through and the line by which she wanted her lover to change was difficult. It would require a compromise on both their parts.

Natsuki was by no means stupid. Not even dull. The girl was without doubt intelligent. She simply refused to fulfill her potential. It was as though her deliberate refusal to be better was the method by which she defied all the expectations on her.

Putting down the porcelain cup, Shizuru retired to her bed. It would be a long day ahead, an even longer one when considering the fact that she was at odds with her lover. But silence was the best way to go, it would provoke Natsuki's thinking and also indicate that her own reluctance to apologize stemmed from the fact that she was not wrong.

I watched the sunrise in the distance saw the twinkling of the first rays breaking dawn.

_I wonder if Shizuru has woken. She is an early riser so she must be up already_. I frown and push that thought from my head. Why am I thinking about her?

In the first place, I came out to watch the sunrise to clear my head of troubling thoughts. Yet the very person who epitomizes trouble in my life lurks just below the surface of my mind. Shizuru is trouble. From the first living breathing moment I met her. She turned my world on its head. She had to go and make friends with me. Then she had the gall to fall in love with me. And what's more absurd than that is that I reciprocated.

Oh, I could have just walked away. I could have trampled on her passionate feelings like someone stomping out weeds. But instead what? My heart melted like a puddle of ice cream out on a hot summer day, and I had myself confessing that I too felt affection for her.

Absolutely ridiculous. After watching an episode of Bones in lonely silence, I suddenly realized that I missed her like a huge gaping wound in my side. It's ridiculous how much you miss someone when you've had a falling out with them. So I had sat there after my episode ended at 6am in the morning ruminating on our dinner conversation.

After much contemplation, I labeled my illogical lashing out at Shizuru as a byproduct of my jealousy towards that Marguerite girl. I almost sneer at that thought. I know that I'm not as smart as her, but hell, I'm not an idiot either. I suppose the fact that Shizuru thinks Marguerite is brilliant irks me.

I sigh as I lean back onto my Ducati. Shizuru gave a valid argument, which badly phrased and sounding like something my dad would say, went down the wrong way with me. I suppose the fact that I've been in an emotional upheaval because of my contemplation of my love for Shizuru is hardly an excuse for my poor behavior last night.

Frankly, I know I should apologize. But this small voice in my head keeps telling me how unworthy of Shizuru I am. And I know it. Oh I know it so well. I know that I'm not good enough to stand next to her. Hell, it's even an honour to stand in her shadow. Half of me is convinced that if you love someone, you need to learn to set them free. And I am a burden that Shizuru should never have to ever trouble herself with it.

I get up, and walk along the railing of the cliff. Resting my elbows on the cold metal edge, I watch the colors blend into the sky. I see the birds take flight into the air. Their wings beating hard against the small thrumming heart in their chest as they soar in the blue sky. Free.

Freedom.

It is a something I should give to Shizuru after everything she has done for me. I should set her free from me.

It hurts. But I know, it is something I ought to do.

Shizuru is not someone who would simply walk off. I need to help her walk away. I clench a fist over the metal watching my pale knuckles stand out against my skin.

It is right. I am a burden. My presence hurts her. I am not beneficial to her. Shizuru soothes me, but it's hardly like I soothe her. If anything I stress her out. She smiles in my presence, but there are many times I know she does that for me. I see her worry about me. She does that a lot. Worry about me because she loves me.

I need to let her go. She needs someone better in her life. Someone who can support her. Someone who doesn't make her worry. Someone without all the fucked up problems that I come with. Hell, even if that person is Tomoe. I will accept that, if it would make Shizuru happy.


	16. Chapter 16

**I apologize for being so slow in updating. I have been extremely busy with school work and i doubt it will let up soon. Be assured that i WON"T abandon this sorry even if i do update it slowly. Here's the chapter you guys have been waiting for. Enjoy (: Thanks for reading!**

* * *

The raw edge of indecision filled with regret gnawed at me. I dragged my feet as I dismounted my bike and made my way back into the hostel. It is midday and I only thought of escaping the scorching heat by returning to my air-conditioned room**.**

_Shizuru would be in class_, I thought dully.

I was hardly tempted to go for class, but her words sink in to me. And I don't want to let her down, even if she doesn't know it. Besides, I skipped morning classes.

I wonder why I make small compromises just to live up to people's expectation. I am stupid that way. People take endlessly from you. They want a million things out of you in the name of a preformed idea of what makes you happy. My dad thinks that perhaps if I studied and did well in school that would ensure my happiness. While I'm confident of the fact that well established grades do play a role in the kind of job that brings in money and money would equate a certain amount of stability and comfort, I am someone who can be comfortable being a car mechanic.

Drawing my satchel to my side, I shoved in a few pieces of paper. Sighing one last time, I left for my lecture.

Classes did not leave my expectation unfulfilled. It was boring. I paid more attention to the doodles on the paper on my table than what the professor was actually talking about. I wanted to thumb my nose at the imaginary Shizuru in my head. _See…I'm in class._ I smile alittle to myself as I imagine what Shizuru would reply. Something along the lines of 'Ara…What a good girl. But you seem to be paying more attention to your small little eccentric drawings than the actual metabolic pathway of caffeine to Xanthine.'

The sharp pang that I would not hear those words from her lips has the smile falling from my lips. I draw a shape with 2 simple curved lines on the paper in front of me and a cupid with a machine gun. Don't be stupid, I mutter to myself. You can still be friends.

_Friends? Like she would be friends with a freak like you. How far do you want to pull her down? I don't know_, I thought viciously as I covered the cupid drawing in blue ink slashes. I shoved those words out of my head and started writing a poem.

_The fields swayed softly,  
Cowering before the storm.  
Scattering grains haphazardly  
Across the lawn. _

_The sweet spice of your presence,  
And the falling cascade of your warm brown hair,  
Is the essence,  
Of my fallen dreams beyond a care._

Fuck. I hit the table with a closed fist and earned a few fugitive glances from the students around me.

_Why am I writing about her?_ I dash my pen across those words, covering them in ink until they are no longer visible. I grimace and look at the clock. Just another five minutes to four and I'll be released from this hell. I wonder if I'll bump into Shizuru outside.

When the bell rang, I gratefully threw my stationary and papers into my bag. Following the crowd of released students, I stepped out of the lecture hall. I spied a group of medical students walking this way. Familiar faces. I quell the brief panic and eagerness inside me.

I turn away and catch the brief image of fluttering cinnamon hair out of the corner of my eye. I took two steps in the opposite direction and bumped into someone. Muttering a quick 'Sorry', I didn't bother to look up as I sidestepped around the victim of my carelessness.

"Kuga-san."

My head jerked up. Marguerite. "Hello, Marguerite-san."

She gently took my arm and I cringed. I hate people touching me. All but the touch of one person. "Where are you going?" she smiled at me, but I felt that her smile didn't reach her eyes.

"Urm…I'm just going to starbucks to have a cup of coffee and maybe do some work." I explained. I saw Shizuru laughing with her friends from my peripheral vision. I was torn between wanting her to look in my direction and leaving before she saw me.

"That sounds nice. Do you mind if I join you? If it's school work I'm sure it'll be more effective if we work on it together."

"I uh…Yeah I guess that'll be fine." I don't know why I found myself agreeing even though I didn't want her around. Just as I was about to pry my attention away from Shizuru, I saw her lift her head in my direction. I turned away and started walking off. "Let's go."

I heard Shizuru call out my name over the crowd of babble in the air. It was soft enough for me to pretend I didn't hear it. So I kept on walking until the grip on my arm halted me. "Kuga-san. I do believe someone is calling you."

"I don't hear anything." I muttered to myself in denial as Tomoe turned around.

A few seconds later. "Oh, Fujino-san. How have you been?"

"Ara Marguerite-san, I have been doing well. It's nice to see you are friends with Natsuki here. Where are the both of your headed to?"

I sigh and turn around. But I refused to meet her gaze. I am afraid of what I will see in those burgundy eyes. "We're going to have coffee" I answered.

"Kuga-san told me she was going to stop by at starbucks to have a drink and do some work. I offered to help her out with her work and she agreed." I saw Tomoe give Shizuru a saccharine smile.

Obviously her statement of 'helping me with my work' would be interpreted as a gesture of her helpfulness and charity in providing educational support to poor stupid bumbling students like me. I refrained from saying anything.

"That's very kind of you," I heard Shizuru reply. "I hope you don't mind if I join in. More the merrier no?" Her tone was carefully veiled with a layer of frost. I felt relief as the grip on my hand fell away.

I saw Marguerite look alittle taken back as she released me. In some distant part of me, I wondered if Shizuru had anything to do with it.

"Shall we?" Shizuru lifted an eyebrow at me as I looked at her for the first time.

I slid my gaze away. "Okay."

We started walking, whilst I paid attention to the floor. Shizuru and Tomoe hit it off with a conversation about the project that they would soon be working together on. I felt alittle irked that they seemed to get along so well. When we reached the café I put my bag down on one of the sofa seats. I saw Shizuru position herself next to me whilst Tomoe ended up opposite me on the table.

"What are you ordering?" Shizuru asked the teal-haired girl.

"Maybe a chai tea latte."

"Ara." Shizuru looked surprised. "You like chai? It is rather rare to find someone who likes chai tea. It is quite a unique blend of taste."

"I enjoy a wide range of teas. How about you Fujino-san?" Marguerite asked.

I refrained from rolling my eyes jealous that this was one more thing they had in common. Hell, I'll even wager that Tomoe was probably playing her cards to attract Shizuru. It's not like I'm blind to the fact that Tomoe likes Shizuru. I quell the jealousy in me and reasoned that, this was for the best. I wanted Shizuru to be happy didn't I? She would surely be happier with Tomoe who was a far better match as compared to me.

"Give me a tall cappuccino please." I told the counter lady.

"And one tall English breakfast tea," Shizuru added from behind me and handed her starbucks card over to the woman.

I scowled. I won't have Shizuru paying for my drink when I intended to break up with her. "I can pay for my own drink."

"Of course you can. But I wanted to pay for it." She looked down affectionately at me, and I felt my heart break even more.

Not wanting to argue with her in front of the lady, I let it go while I dug into my wallet for a five dollar note. When we took our drinks and set it down on the table, I pushed the money into her hand. "For my drink."

"I believe I said I wanted to pay for it. Please keep the money." Shizuru crossed her legs delicately and took a sip of her tea.

"And I would like to pay for my drink," I said alittle harshly.

A brief flash of puzzlement crossed her face. "Natsuki…It's okay. It's just a drink. It's not much. It's my treat." She sounded confused.

I wouldn't have it. I wouldn't have her paying for my things when I want to break up with her. It feels too much like deceiving and lying to her. "Please," I could barely keep out the begging tone in my voice. "Take it."

Looking more than alittle lost now, Shizuru put her tea down and took the money. "What's the…" She stopped when Tomoe set her cup of tea on the table and moved to sit. She flashed me a look that held the unspoken promise of 'we will talk later.'

I ignore it. If I had any power at all, there would not be a talk later.

It felt as if I had two tutors breathing down my neck when I took to doing my work. Shizuru would stop me intermittently to point out certain things that I needed to pay attention to whereas Marguerite would without fail point out mistakes that I made.

Finally after an hour, I was fit to blow up and tell them to stuff it.

"You have to remember that— "

"Enough," I said firmly. "Whilst I appreciate the gesture and help, if YOU tell me one more time what I have to remember, I will strangle you." I said pointedly at Shizuru. Looking over at Tomoe, I apologized. "Sorry Marguerite-san. I really appreciate the help but I think I can afford to not get full marks on this assignment. I would like to make mistakes and get marked for it. It hardly seems fair if I have people helping me."

Tomoe simply nodded her head. "I understand and respect that."

I was surprised at the way she took my comment and the sincerity behind that statement. I decided to rethink my opinion about her. Shizuru shrugged her shoulders at me and motioned for me to do her work in a manner that indicated that she was 'fine with anything.'

Ignoring me, the both of them started up their own conversation as I slowly proceeded to wrap up my assignment. By the time I was done, only then did I notice that Shizuru was laughing over something that Tomoe said.

A carefree laughter filled with amusement. "I can't believe someone actually said that. You mean he actually thought that people would evaporate if they didn't wear clothes?" Shizuru shook her head in disbelief.

Tomoe grinned, a sparkle of pleasure in her eyes. "Yes. He even went so far as to ask the professor about what became of people in the stone age who had no clothes."

"Oh my…What I would have paid to see that. What are some people doing in university?"

"I honestly don't know." Tomoe shrugged her shoulders. She lifted her porcelain cup. "Cheers to such people for making university life interesting."

"Ara. I would definitely raise my cup to that."

Their mugs clinked together as they each took a sip. I watched them both feeling like an outsider.

A vague sense of emptiness filled me as though I've lost Shizuru before my own time. As though I've lost her even before I gave her up. I felt my eyes fill. I looked down at the papers spread before me watched it blur. I wiped the tears surreptitiously away with the back of my hand. I don't want to hear their conversation anymore. I've heard enough. I turn up the volume of the music playing in my eyes.

But brief flashes of all the times I've spend with Shizuru floods through my brain. Our first kiss, the warm feel of her hand in my, the sweet spice of her scent that clings to her. The way I would wake in the morning to her teasing voice and the way she would hold me.

They were dropping silently onto the paper in front of me. Through the bang and roaring screams of the guitar playing I hear Shizuru call out my name. Her hand is on my face as she takes out the earpiece from my ear.

"What's wrong?" I hear her ask.

I merely shake my head and wipe the tears away angrily. But they won't stop falling. I am making a fool of myself in front of Tomoe. I look away.

"Hey…hey," Shizuru says softly to me. Turning to Tomoe, I heard her ask the girl politely to leave.

The fact that she still cares for me, that she still knows what affects me without words brings more tears to my eyes.

Shizuru sweeps up everything on the table into my bag unceremoniously and slings it over her shoulder. She pulls me to my feet and I let her guide me out of the café and blindly follow her as she leads me to a bench in a private corner of the university. She stuffs a few pieces of tissues into my hand and I cover my eyes with them, refusing to look at her.

"Hey…Natsuki." As though knowing the ineffability of words, she stops and then I am gently enfolded into warm arms. Knowing it's the last time I will feel that embrace around me after I've said what I have to, has me sobbing even more. It feels as though I am ripping out my own heart. But I have to. I have to, to make Shizuru happy.

"Shii-zuru." I hiccup.

She rubs my back gently. "Yes?"

"I-I have something to tell you."

"Oh Natsuki." I hear her sigh. "If it's about yesterday, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Yes, I meant what I said to you, but I think I could have found a better way to say it."

"It's n-not that."

"Okay." There is a pause. "Then what is it?"

"I'm sorry. Sorry. Very sorry. So sorry. It's for the best."

"Huh?" The hand on my back continues to smooth my shirt gently. "About?"

"We…Let's…We have to b-br-break up."

The hand on my back stops. I feel Shizuru pull away in shock.

"You…what?" she whispers.

I am blindly searching for my satchel on the bench. Finding it, I toss it the strap over my head. The damp tissue is balled up in my fist. "Lets…" my voice wavered and I firmed it. "Let's just be friends okay?" I look up through my half blinded vision and see that the pain that is painted all over her face. For a moment it makes me happy that she feels it too. That she is hurt. It assures me that whatever feelings we had weren't a lie.

But I have to do this, for her. She doesn't know it but she'll be happier without me.

"Why? Natsuki. Why?" I notice her eyes are dry with shock.

She reaches a hand out to touch me and I pull away. I held up both my hands, palms facing her. "Please stop. Don't touch me." I see her hand fall uselessly to her side and she looks afraid.

"Because I'm not a good girlfriend. I'm not good for you."

A brief flash of anger crosses her face. "Don't say that," she snarled at me. "Don't."

"It's true. You need to accept that." I said calmly. I had stopped crying, the determination in me had wiped out the sorrow.

"What if I won't?" she said.

I took a deep breath. "You have to. It takes two hands to clap. I'm sorry." I want so badly to touch her, to comfort her, but I reign in that desire. "Be happy okay?" I smile at her." That's all I want for you to be. Be happy. Find someone else to fall in love with. Someone who will see for who you are." My breath hitches. "Someone who will appreciate you in the way you deserve to be. Someone who will take good care of you. Someone who will teach you to smile and someone who will bring out the best in you."

I turn away. "The next time we talk. We'll do it as friends." I walked away, my heart shattering with each step I took. I finally understood the meaning of 'Every time I don't hug you. I want you to know, I almost do.'

I didn't hear her broken whisper that carried into the wind.

_But Natsuki, what if you're that one?_


	17. Chapter 17

Sweat drips into my eyes. I refuse to lift a finger to brush it away. Fatigue is screaming at me to stop, but I don't. I push on, harder, harder. My heart is racing faster than a Maglev train. I am sucking in oxygen, as though it is the last breath of air I will get.

Crimson eyes. Pale brown hair. That smile of hers.

I feel like if I run hard enough, long enough, I can forget everything of her. Each footstep against the ground reverberates in my knee. My feet are sore, my shirt soaked through.

And then, that first catch of breeze flits through the trees. I break out of this long jog into the open grass field up on the hill. The wind hits me, like a bucket of ice water. The field is a vast land of greenery.

I sprawl out of the grass, not caring about the series of warm down exercises that I usually go through.

It doesn't feel like the end. I still feel as though, she would turn up on my doorstep and give me a hug. I still watch my phone, waiting for a text from her. But nothing comes. I have at least fifty messages saved in my drafts. I can't shake this. It is foolish. I was the one that broke up with her, yet here I am acting like the one fallen out of love and spurned.

My shoulder is lined with cuts. Cuts that my bra strap burns into with every movement of mine. The only reason, it's there and it's not on the underside of my arm is because I couldn't find a way to hide twenty cuts without donning on a long sleeve shirt.

Do you know that while pain blurs things out, blood is different. Blood leaves your brain blank. So blank, it becomes difficult to hold a comprehensive thought. It's amazing. There's no feeling like it. The absolute state of nothingness where nothing touches you. You can't feel, remember or think of anything. You feel like this lumped of potato that has been overcooked till it's nothing but a mash.

Oh, I am a coward. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. I am afraid of being hurt. I rather strike out before I am hurt. I am jaded, I don't believe that there is anything worth living for in this world. I believe love is a lie. I believe that lies come in two forms. One where the person intends to lie to you. And the other, where the person believes his own lie and doesn't believe he is lying when he tells you something.

Tell me something? Is there anything in this world, that isn't a lie? Aside from this azure blue sky and the chirping of birds. Aside from the cry of the cicadas. Is there anything? Even blood is a lie. Even my heart is traitorous. I dig my fingers into the soft soil and fling the blades of grass in my palm away from me.

Do. Not. Feel. Cut it off. You can stop it out, numb it out. Into this world, I came, empty, without a friend, with nothing on me. And so shall my existence be. Empty, without a friend, with nothing on me or of me.

But I can't…I can't forget those eyes, the sweet smell of spice and soap, I can't forget the lit of her voice. The only thing, that lets me forget is blood. I feel like I am going crazy, and that my sanity is held together by the threads of blood.

I run my nails lightly over my arm, then push them in. The pinch of pain relaxes me. Taking out my phone, I stare at the empty screen, a stagnant inbox. And I slowly add another draft to the collection that I already have.

Why do people love even though they don't want to? Why did someone like me learn to love? For I would have preferred not knowing anything. There are people who say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved. They are but idiots. It is better to not have loved.

I do not require my existence to be happy, nor fulfilling, nor remotely joyful. I require my existence to be nothing. The feeling of nothingness is better than that of happiness

* * *

With methodical ease, I practice the sure movements of the suture. Tying a knot with the forceps, I look down at my handiwork on the leather straps. It is exactly how it should look. I put it down. What is the point of perfection, if there is no Natsuki by my side. Natsuki is so different from me. She is imperfect. And brilliantly so. She is smart, yet occasionally lazy. She breaks the rules that I keep.

She is the imperfection that inspires me. Perfection, is all good and well. It is what everybody desires to see. Like responsibilities fitting of the Fujino family line, I am everything I am expected to be. I have not dared to fail anyone. To be less than perfect.

I am not upset, I am not sad anymore. On the day, it all happened, I was heartbroken. I couldn't believe it. Was I that unworthy of being loved? How was it that Natsuki could be so blind as to not see that I didn't care. I didn't care if she made the worse girlfriend in the world. Even if she pushed me away constantly, it's not like it bothered me because I knew it was merely a force of habit. Did she think my love so fickle, that I would give up simply because she wanted it? I am angry now, to think that she thought so little of me. When I replayed that scene in my mind, I remember her parting sentence. The nonsense about wanting me to find someone better. Those are not the words of someone who doesn't love.

I know better now. Natsuki is a very logical person, and despite her flaws, extremely sacrificial. She gave me up, not because she didn't love me, but that she loved too much. She is not a person who sees her own self worth. I have taken these past five days slowly. Ruminating on what to do. I have not contacted her, and neither has she. I must admit, it does hurt me, in some far flung corner of the irrational me, that she has not messaged me. I do foolish things like check the 'last seen' status of her whatsapp, as though that should do anything to make me feel better. I wonder if she does that.

My Natsuki…She is not one quick to show her vulnerabilities. At times, I was unsure, if she was even capable of emotions. But on that one fateful day I broke into her room, and found out the secret she never told anyone. It changed me.

I think at that moment, I felt betrayed that she was cutting and she never told me. But right then, I understood what kind of person she was. She was delicate. Her wounds ran so deep, it manifested as walls.

I let a sigh grace my lips. What a troublesome girl. But I still think fondly of her. She saved me in so many ways. That jaded smile, those distant eyes that barely had a care for the world was that of someone who had explored the many options of life, and found that nothing could satisfy but still lived. I admired that.

And when she looked at me, I felt as though I was the only one in the world. Those jade green eyes that would sparkle when she picked me up at night just to make sure I got home safe. But what was more, I would never forget those eyes lit with anger when I was being molested in that back alley. It was a flaming passion I knew nestled within her. A fire that existed in a heart that she kept frozen and under guard.

She is not the only one who needs time. I think I need this time too. This period of silence and wanting to confirm that what I feel is true.

* * *

Like a comet spinning out of orbit, it seemed so inevitable. I walked out of that lecture hall, preoccupied with what the lesson had to say. The moment I stepped out, time hung for that few seconds as I saw her, a mere few feet away from me with her group of friends. In my mind, I screamed at myself to turn away. Instead, I stood stunned in the doorway blocking the flow of traffic that was leaving the hall. I was like a fox caught in the headlights of a car; frozen in place. Some impatient course mate behind me jostled me to the side. I stumbled and caught the frame of the door.

_Please don't look up._

Murphy is at play again, because she does. I see the cascade of her honey oak brown hair shifting. I anticipate her gaze. But nothing could have prepared me for the way those piercing rubies of hers hit me.

I faltered at the intensity in them. I could not read them. Hate? Love? I don't want to know. Do we even count the seconds of awkwardness and silence that hangs? Her friends are still talking as though they do not see that her attention is no longer on them. Should I smile? But I don't know if it will reach my eyes even if I do. In the end I do nothing but look back.

I straighten and shrug my backpack onto my other shoulder, hitching it with my thumbs I break the connection and tear my eyes away.

I turn around and take a step away in the other direction. I know she is watching me, and it doesn't feel right to leave without even a smile of acknowledgement. I hesitate, then I raise my right hand up over my shoulder in a backward wave and then without breaking a stride, I stroll off, a wistful part of me hoping she'll call out my name. Even if just one last time.

It has been 2 weeks. I wish I weren't counting the days. Yet I am. I poke at today's date on the calendar with my red pen. Is that what all break ups feel like? This uncertainty of what 'we' should be. Of course I said we would be 'friends'. But somehow, it feels more like strangers, or acquaintances. My heart leaps when I see her but at the same time, the urge to walk off is so strong. And somehow I want her to watch me walk away.

I stretch backwards in my chair. It's barely 9am. That's early for a late riser like me. But sometimes dreams haunt me. When that's the case it's preferable to be awake than asleep. I figured I'll have some breakfast that the dining hall offers since I'm awake anyway. I throw on a blue pullover that matches my hair, and making sure that I look decent enough, I leave the room for the canteen.

Opening the door into the dining hall, I picked up a tray and proceeded to choose what I wanted for breakfast. I settled on French toast drizzled over with maple syrup with a banana on the side. I debate for 5 seconds over hot chocolate and coffee and decided on the latter. Armed with my food, I picked a corner table to eat. Happy with the kind of food in front of me, I plugged in my music and began to scroll through tumblr on my phone as I ate.

Somewhere half way during my meal, a tray that settled down on the table opposite me and had me jerking up. My eyes widen, I take out my earphones just in time to hear "Good morning, Natsuki."


	18. Chapter 18

I would like to thank of one my guest reviewers for the compliment and of course the gummy bears. Yum ^^ Kudos to those who guessed Tomoe. N to all my faithful readers and reviewers, for being patient. Because of the long wait, I have written a longer chapter as an apology for keeping you guys waiting.

*For those who don't know. Onigiri is a kind of rice cake/sushi in Japan.

* * *

"Margeurite-san." I acknowledge her with a tilt with of my head. I dislike the way my name rolls off tongue, as though she finds it distasteful.

She looks apologetic for a moment. "I'm sorry if I'm taking things for granted. I...I hope it's all right if I called you Natsuki. I'll like to think of us as friends."

I shrug her off. "Natsuki's fine."

"May I sit here?"

_No of course you may not._ Those are the thoughts that run through my head. But I'm Japanese. Politeness is ingrained into our upbringing. "Go ahead."

Pulling out the chair, she sits down gracefully. I notice that she is having onigiri for breakfast. Matched with that is what looks like tea in a cup. I can't help but draw parallels between what she is eating and what Shizuru would be eating.

"This is the first time I've seen you taking breakfast in the dining hall." She stirs at the cup of tea in front of her.

From the waft of it, I decide it must be some kind of chinese tea. "Oh. I'm not an early riser. But I just happened to get up early today. Figured I might as well have some breakfast."

"I see. Well the dining hall does serve pretty decent food for breakfast as compared to dinner." Tomoe picked up an onigiri and started to eat.

I snort as I slice at the banana with my knife so that neat slices pool up in the corner of my plate. "Dinner is completely terrible. Shizuru hates the catered dinners, she escapes them with..." I end my sentence abruptly._ Why am I talking about her? To Tomoe especially._

Tomoe looks up. "With?"

"Takeout," I replied shortly. There is a glint in those light purple eyes seem as though they are digesting and memorizing the information I've just given her. _Looks like I'm right. Tomoe really has it in for Shizuru._

"What does Fujino-san order for takeout?"

I don't know if it's the bitterness that claws up my throat but I don't feel the slightest bit inclined to give her a decent answer. "Many things. Depends on her mood I guess," I gestured vaguely. "What are you drinking? Doesn't look like anything the dining hall serves."

Tapping a finger pensively on her cheek, Tomoe tilts the cup in my direction so that I can see the brown liquid. "This is Pu-Er. It's a popular chinese tea. I keep them in my room and I bring it down for breakfast. It goes well with the onigiri."

I wrinkle my face. "If it tastes anything close to what it smells, I don't believe I can find any appreciation for it."

"Ohh…I believe Fujino-san would like it. She told me she enjoys a wide variety of teas."

Why are we back at the topic of Shizuru? "She probably would. I don't," I answered shortly

Tomoe shakes her head. "You are missing out on one of the finer things in life."

I laugh. "It's no loss to me. I prefer sweet things like soft drinks. Give me a cup of coke anytime or coffee."

A small frown mars her face. "I don't mean to be offensive, but it seems rather uncultured to be unable to appreciate good tea."

If I weren't so good at hiding my emotions, I'll be glaring daggers at her. Why do I feel that her disclaimer of 'no offense seems to be a convenient way to send me a veiled insult.' I shrug it off genially. "One man's meat is another man's poison. Don't you think it's boring if everyone likes the same thing?" I retorted quietly.

"I believe people who share the same taste in general tend to get along better. The ability to appreciate the same things is indicative of someone having the same beliefs." Tomoe quirked a smile at me casually.

"I hardly think, liking the same food is remotely related to belief systems."

She paused, with a finger on her chin. "I suppose beliefs is the wrong word to use. My bad. I simply meant common interest I guess."

I shrugged. "Yeah wells. I like you rice, you like rice. That's common too."

She let loose with a short laugh. "That's a good one. That's true."

"Of course, I speak but wisdom."

The conversation ends here, and here we are; at the awkward pauses that acquaintances have during conversations. I fill it up by shoving the French toast into my mouth. That's the problem with 'breaking in' new friends. There's always these little pockets of awkwardness that I can't stand.

The turquoise-colored hair girl was the first to break the silence. "By the way, I was wondering if you were all right."

"Huh? Me?" I used the back of my fork to point at my chest.

"Yes. You seem rather distressed at Starbucks the other day. I hope it isn't rude of me to bring it up. I was just concerned." Leaning forward with her chin on her palms, her eyes are probing.

I see kindness in them. A softness that is unexpected. "Oh. That," I answered dismissively. "I'm cool. Perfectly all right."

"That's good to know, I was worried something happened to you." She reached out to pat my shoulder. "If you don't mind, could I ask what happened?"

_Of course I mind. It's like poking at a sore wound even though she probably doesn't mean to_. "Uh…it's personal. Maybe another time." I mustered a half smile. I don't know if I should feel touched that she cares. Sometimes I feel like the girl opposite me has this hidden and veiled side to her that I should be wary off. Sometimes, I wonder if it's just my jealousy because she likes Shizuru. Sometimes I wonder, if maybe she really is just a normal nice girl. I suppose Mai would say I'm not the best judge of a person's character. She says that my own personal thoughts often cloud my perception of a person. I suppose that's true. When I first met Shizuru, she irked me. You could say she wasn't exactly my favorite person because she always seemed to be doing things that defied what I would have done. But then a little time here and there, and I started to see that me being annoyed at Shizuru was more of something to do with my character than hers. I suppose this might be the same problem I'm having with Tomoe here.

"That's no problem. As long as you're good." She paused, and looked as though she was stumbling over words that had yet to exit her mouth. "Natsuki."

"Hmmm?" I glanced at my empty plate and fiddled with my fork.

"I…find myself in a curious position." Tomoe said, turning the cup in her hand.

"About?" I am surprised to hear the strained and tentative waver in her voice.

"I don't have many friends," she confessed. "And it has never bothered me. I often find people dull. But you…You intrigue me honestly."

I suppose that must be a compliment. But the truth is this brings nothing more than bad memories of back when I knew Nao.

Nao… I haven't thought about her in a long time. I suppose it's because the memory of her is bittersweet. How can I put it into words what we were like? When I first met her, she struck me as a loud, boisterous and crass person. And I was the quiet sarcastic kind. What's new? Even now, nothing has changed much about me. Nao and I drifted together like magnets from opposite poles. We were two jaded people walking through life who understood each other. But that crass and crude Nao was a curious mixture of softness when it came to her mother. I suppose, I can understand that, I too have a soft spot for my own mother.

I stayed around, made Nao into a friend because I felt that she needed it. Even at a young age of 14, there she was, wild and flirtatious. I didn't give it two cents worth of thought till the day she expressed interest in me. Imagine my shock when she claimed that she was fascinated by me and wanted us to be more.

I was not adverse to that idea and took her fascination of myself as a compliment. But when we ended, she said that she was bored. I would have generally taken that in stride. People grow bored in relationships after all. It comes as no surprise to me. But as she broke up with me the last few words that slipped out of her mouth were, "Don't take it personally Natsuki. I like you, but I think the interest I had in you was that you were the unsolvable enigma. After I came to know you, there was nothing left to solve."

I supposed looking back, it had nothing to do with me but everything to do with the kind of person Nao was and the unrealistic expectations I had of her. In the end, I was no different. I was just another toy that was played in her hand.

Still, I had to ask. "Was I no different from all the people you slept around with?"

I saw her quick silent flinch and then the gentle smile that crossed her face. "Oh Natsuki. You were different. You were my friend. You weren't just a free-fuck to me."

But still, I had to ask further. "But was I any different as a lover to you?"

The red hair girl eyed her nails and fiddled with them. "Look, Natsuki. I never said I loved you. If you were expecting something of that sort, you know I'm just not that someone. I don't know how to keep relationships. I only fuck people I find myself remotely interested in. Recently, I've been feeling that you want more, and I can't sustain it because, I've lost interest. It doesn't make you a boring person, it's just that the captivating mystery that was you that kept me coming back for more doesn't exist anymore." It seemed at that moment that she was talking more to herself than me. "I suppose, it's bound to happen after you start to know someone. I don't know," she murmured to herself. "But friends?"

Then it occurred to me that Nao was incapable of love and all that softness and need in her could only be filled by the gap left behind by her mother that lay immobile in the hospital bed. And I was left with the self-realization that to her, I was nothing but an equation waiting to be solved.

"We can be friends." That was what I had replied numbly. Following, that we went out a few times, but the chemistry and the smoothness seemed to be dominated by an awkwardness that I couldn't hide or smooth over. Eventually from friends, we drifted into strangers.

"You're not the first person to say that. I hear that a lot." I replied casually. But the bitterness threatens to overflow. "But I'm not an experiment or a quiz to be solved. You won't be getting any A's in your exam from knowing me."

"You misunderstand me. I do not imply that I desire to solve you. Just that you are an interesting person."

"That stopped being a compliment a long time ago." I want to leave, just like how this conversation is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. "Well, I've got to get going. I'll see you around Marguerite-san." I smiled at her. "Thanks for the company over breakfast." I don't know if it reaches my eyes. I picked up my plate and pushed back my chair. I could tell her eyes remained on me as I left the empty plate at the tray deposit and left the hall.

* * *

"Good morning Marguerite-san." With natural grace, the woman with faded cinnamon hair settled down onto the chair that was previously occupied by a certain girl with piercing green eyes.

"Fujino-san" Tomoe nodded her head in acknowledgement and was barely able to keep the excitement out of her voice. What luck for her to have the woman she admired sit opposite her.

Shizuru peered with interest at her cup. "May I?" she asked politely.

Almost eagerly, Tomoe handed the cup over even as she deliberately let their fingers brush.

Lifting it, Shizuru wafted the scent over with a cupping motions of her palm and inhaled. She settled the cup back down on the table. "An excellent choice. Pu-Er, if I'm not mistaken?"

"You are right. Not that I've known you to be wrong with anything," Tomoe replied, quick to please.

"Ara, you give me too much credit. I'm only human." Shizuru smiled and raised her own cup to her lips. After a few moments on deliberation, she tilted her cup in Tomoe's direction. "Would you like to try some of mine?"

This could barely be called luck. She would have liked to deem it fate and the best day of her life. "If I may?" Tomoe inhaled the light sweet scent and frowned, squinted at the curled up petals. "I do not know what this it."

"It is a jasmine infusion with cherry blossoms. Go ahead and have a sip." Shizuru said nonchalantly, noticing the glitter in the other female's eyes.

Ahhh, an indirect kiss. Fortune must be smiling upon her. With deliberation, the slightly younger girl placed her lips on the rim of the cup where her crush had drunk from and savoured the light infusion of tea that was brewed to perfection. It tasted like how she fantasized Shizuru's lips to taste. Not sweet, just perfect. "It's wonderful." With reluctance, she handed the cup back to its rightful owner.

Shizuru rotated the cup in her hand before resuming the sipping of her tea. "Yes it is isn't it? How have you been Margeurite-san?"

"Wonderful as of now." She let the words hang meaningfully in the air. But when Shizuru showed no response to it. She hurried to brush it over. "I've been looking forward to the new project I'll be starting soon. Of course, I hope to be assigned to you. It's such a joy to work with you."

Shizuru lifted an eyebrow and smiled smoothly. "I too look forward to hopefully working with you." She let a pensive look, sweep across her face and waited. She barely had to wait a second before Tomoe caught on to it.

"Is something the matter?" Tomoe asked.

"Oh, it's nothing. When you mentioned project, I happened to think of Natsuki. Have you talked to her recently? I've been rather busy recently and haven't talked to her."

"Yes, in fact, I just had breakfast with her not ten minutes ago. I saw her eating alone and thought she would enjoy some company."

Hook, line and sinker. Shizuru let surprise show on her face. She had seen them talking, and had kept to an inconspicuous corner in the dinning hall, approaching her target only after a reasonable of time had passed since Natsuki's departure. She did allow herself a mental facepalm. Natsuki enjoy company in the morning? That must be a joke if anything. Natsuki was a monster when fresh out of bed and would have stepped into the fire rather than have company for breakfast that actually required her to talk. "Ara, that's nice of you. What did both of you talked about?" It concerned her alittle that Natsuki was awake and having breakfast. Not an morning person, breakfast was an indicator of insomnia.

"Nothing much really," Tomoe replied sourly, annoyed that yet again the cobalt hair girl had become the conversation topic between her idol and herself. "I just asked her if she's okay, regarding what happened two weeks ago at the café. That's pretty much it."

"What did she say?"

"She said she was fine. That's all. She wouldn't let me know the reason though."

Shizuru pursed her lips in thought before phrasing her next few sentences carefully in her head. "You know Margeurite-san, Natsuki doesn't have many people who care about her. But you obviously do seem to. I…Do you think you could do me a favour?"

"Of course, of course, anything." Tomoe grinned in excitement. It felt good to finally have Shizuru depend on her.

"I am rather busy recently. As a fellow coursemate of Natsuki's perhaps you could let me know how she's doing. I have breakfast daily at around at slightly earlier time than today. Usually I'm down here from 7.30 to 8am. Perhaps whenever you're free you could just let me know how Natsuki is doing? Something happened to her recently, that I cannot disclose, and it has me worried. She isn't a frequent early riser and morning is the only free time I happen to have. As such I haven't been able to keep in contact as much as I liked."

"It's no problem," Tomoe waved away the request. "As a friend I would have done it anyway. There's no need to ask something that simple of me." The equations were all adding up in her head. This was the era of cellphones and internet. Nobody could so busy that they didn't have time to check on someone through an SMS. It seemed weird that Shizuru would want to know how Natsuki was through her…Unless of course, they were not communicating. If that's the case then, it would kill two birds with one stone. She would learn more about them. Their relationship. There were always rumours of how close Shizuru and Natsuki was. Rumours that they were more than friends. Oh she was sure to take advantage of it. Knowledge is after all advantage. If they were really more than friends, then she'd be the flint to the tinder that set fire and burned all the bridges down. And breakfast with Shizuru in the morning, was the icing at the top of a cake. "Of course I'll be more than glad to help out."


	19. Chapter 19

So...I need a little love from you guys to fuel my writing (: I'm in a small little depressive slump. Just alittle. But seeing reviews from you guys always cheers me up. Gummy bears and hearts would be awesome. Spare me alittle, my lovely readers ^^ Enjoy the chapter

* * *

"Natsuki. Open up!"

She heard the sound of something crashing to the floor, a swear word and fumbling through the closed door.

"What?" The door to the room swung open to reveal a grumpy Natsuki with sleep tousled hair in a crumpled white shirt.

"Oh God. You look terrible. Like something the cat dragged in."

With eye bags that could pass her off as a panda, the blue hair girl scowled. "Been getting fucked up sleep. Surely you can't be here to comment on my sterling appearances." Her eyes drifted down to latch onto a food container in the other girl's hand. "Well, at least you brought food."

"Tuna mayo sushi." The busty red hair blew past Natsuki to settle on her chair. "Maybe you'll care to explain what's with the 'we broke up' text. When did this happen?"

Blowing out a sign the other girl shoved the door shut and turned the lock. "Bout 2 weeks ago or so. We broke up. What's there to explain?"

"Two weeks ago and I only find out yesterday? For goodness sake." She glared at Natsuki who simply shrugged. "Why? Last I seen and heard you were head over heel over Fujino."

Natsuki flopped onto the bed, shoved some lingerie and a random tee shirt into the crevice next to her bed to make herself comfortable . "I'm never head over heels over anyone."

Mai snorted. "I happen to remember a certain night where you bounced off my mattress and announced in a very loud voice 'She's so pwrrreetty and smart and I think I'm in love. Kyah!'"

She watched Natsuki turn a shade of red that could only be described as nearing the color of a beetroot. "I was drunk goddamnit."

"Seriously? Kyah!"

Not fast enough, Mai failed to dodge the flying pillow and took it in the face. Still, she smirked. "So what happened between you two lovebirds?"

"Broke up." Natsuki opened the bento box and attacked the sushi with glee.

"I already got that. I mean why? For Christ sakes, Fujino's the salmon of all the fishes in the sea. Her fan club would give away their limbs to date her."

"I'm contributing to the greater good of the community. They can have her now." Natsuki said massaging her now throbbing head.

"Do you need some ibuprofen?" Mai asked worriedly as she watched Natsuki cram a mayonnaise lathered sushi down her throat.

"Not really. I just need some sleep."

"What happened to you and sleep? Had a falling out too? Or is a certain crimson eyed woman keeping you awake?" Mai raised an eyebrow and almost had an apoplexy at the shade of red Natsuki darkened into. "Just back together already!" She thumped Natsuki on the head with a roll of paper picked up from the table.

"Damn it, Mai. It's not that easy."

"Of course it is you idiot. Whatever you did wrong to her, just go and apologize."

"Why the fuck do you assume that I'm the one who did something wrong?" Natsuki glowered and sat back, arms crossed in what would have passed off as an indignant look except for the fact that her eyes were miserable.

"Because it likely it."

Sighing, Natsuki threw herself back down onto the bed to prop herself up on her elbows. "I'm not wrong. She needs someone better."

"Come again?"

"She needs someone better."

"Fujino?"

"Who else? Do we look like we're talking about my pet wolf?" Natsuki snapped her fingers.

"Stop being snarky. What do you mean by someone better?"

"Exactly what it means. Someone you know," the biker girl gestured vaguely. "Maybe smarter. More cheerful, someone with less issues in their life."

"So you're saying you have issues in your life. Like?"

_Like cutting. _"Like my inconsistencies and whatever."

"You mean your depressive mood swings and occasional PMS. Everyone has that Natsuki. Fujino knows how to deal with it. She chose to date a girl; I think she knows what that entails. I'm pretty sure she has an occasional mood swing too."

"Yes, except hers involves, decisions like whether to have a freaking sundae or maybe ten cups of different flavoured tea. Me on the other hand, I stop functioning. I can't do my work, I'm pathetically worthless when my mood swings, and I hate it." The last roll of sushi lies forlornly at the bottom of the bento box.

"Hey." Mai settled a hand onto Natsuki's shoulder. "So what? So what if you stop functioning for a day or two. There's always other days where you're okay. It's not like it's a major problem."

"It is. Of course it is." The soft reply echoed off the four walls of the room. "You don't know everything about me. You'll hate me if you knew."

"I would never hate you," Mai replied immediately.

* * *

Images of pouring rain soaking me, dripping down my face. The knife in my grip as the blood seeped through his shirt. How I watched as I carved those words into him with a sense of delightfulness. Sure, it was a crooked sense of justice. But even I was not king to have decided that.

I remember watching metal cut into my own skin as the blood wells up into small little droplets in my arm. I remember Shizuru's face. One filled with pain. Incomprehensible pain as she saw my arm.

"I've done terrible things," I murmured. "I always end up hurting people."

"So what? Everyone gets hurt, it's called the roller coaster of life. We do it to everyone. Hell even if Fujino found a new girl, it's not like the person won't hurt her."

"Then maybe I just don't want to be that person that hurts her." Mai doesn't understand. She doesn't understand that as long as I cut, Shizuru will always be hurt by my actions. I wouldn't stop. It's not that I don't try, or even that I don't want to. I can't. Nobody knows what it's like to be unable to stop. Nobody knows what it's like to feel as though you are going crazy in your head. "Whatever, Mai." I see her open her mouth, and stop her. "I don't really want to hear it." I gave her a crooked smile. "I appreciate you coming over and the sushi. But I could really do with some sleep now."

She must have seen it in my eyes, that I needed that space. "Okay, I'll just leave you then. Grab some sleep will ya." She ruffled my hair and the departing door clicked shut into place, leaving me alone with the dead silence of the room.

It was a random event born out of my insomnia that had me entering the dining hall seven-ish one morning. That's when I saw Shizuru and Tomoe having breakfast together for the first time. I never knew that they actually had meals together. As far as I knew, Shizuru spoke rarely about Tomoe, and if ever she did, it was about something at the hospital. The fact that they were having breakfast together came across as slightly disturbing to me.

Since then, I've gotten to coming down in the morning for breakfast at the dining hall. It is a sort of compulsive behavior that can be likened to that of a stalker. I creep in from the far end of the hall—grab some food whilst I cast furtive glances at the far corner where Shizuru and Tomoe seem to have gotten into the habit of a daily breakfast before sneaking back out. I can't help but send a scowl in their direction, before repeatedly telling myself that Tomoe is a nice person for Shizuru.

She's…Nice. Nice is a good word to use. Nice can be used to describe anything. It's very much like the word 'Okay' that Shizuru has banned from the lexicon of words that I use around her.

As though I'm into some sort of self-torture, I repeat it for days. Every day, I come down just to see if they're really having breakfast together. And they are. They don't even have the decency to disappoint me.

Nobody notices me. The dining hall is huge and nobody looks out across to the opposite far end. So, I remain that ghost of a stalker that watches them every morning. I tell myself it's not jealousy. That in reality, I'm happy for Shizuru. In the spare empty time I have in my room, I wonder endlessly what they talk about. I catch myself frowning when I see Shizuru laugh at something Tomoe says. I have to smooth my features out, and put on a smile. It's not as though anybody is actually around to see my frown or smile, it's just that I'm practicing.

* * *

"Room maintenance check." The familiar silky voice calls out from outside my room door.

It's a procedure the school puts into place. It's to make sure students are not using a room under someone else's name. Normally, I would open the door, sign the piece of paper, flash my student card and go back to what I'm doing. Today, I ignore it. Because it's her. And whenever I think of her, I think of Tomoe. And when I think of them, it makes me frustrated, sad, mad and stupid.

A double knock on my door again. "Room maintenance check."

I swivel around on my chair turn up the music in my headphones slightly. I want to drown out that siren's voice, but at the same time, I want to hear her.

Another knock on my door, this time louder. "Natsuki. I know you're in the room. I can see the light from the bottom of the door. Please open up. I need you to sign the papers."

I sigh. "If you know it's me, just forge my damn signature and go away."

"I can't. It's against protocol."

"Can't or won't?" The silence drifts and I wonder if perhaps she's given up and left.

"You can't hide forever," a prolonged pause, "You know. I missed you."

"Why should you when you've got Tomoe?" I regret these words as soon as they leave my mouth.

"Margeurite-san?" Her voice is puzzled and quizzical. "I don't know what you are talking about. Will you just open the door?"

"Won't you just forge my signature already and go and pester the next fifty rooms you're covering today."

"I finished all the rooms already. You're the last."

"Oh…Saving the worst for last?" I asked snarkily. I live in the middle of the 16th floor. Going in order, that usually means I'm in the middle no matter how you look at it. Given that I'm the last, it has to be deliberately planned.

I see the doorknob turn in its place, but the door doesn't budge because it's locked.

"Natsuki. Open the door." Her voice is quiet and calm. "Or else I will."

"You've got to be kidding me. You have to respect my privacy. You can't open the door unless I give you permission to. Even if you have the master key," I emphasize those last words vehemently.

"If forging your signature is going against the rules and opening your door is against the rules, I might as well pick one." There is a clicking sound as the lock falls out of place.

The door opens slowly and the yellow light from the corridor streams in. I brace myself and wait. I am frozen in place. It is as though this moment holds in time and I'm caught in the snare of a net that I can't even struggle against. I've seen her every day for the past few days. Every morning. But she never sees me. Now, she will.

I want to be recognized, I want to be acknowledged, but I am afraid. I'm afraid because I think that a look into her eyes will break me. I'm afraid because I want to run into her arms. I'm afraid because I'm afraid of what I might do.

The door shuts quietly behind her. And I'm staring at her feet, at the pair of black Havaianas slippers on her. My gaze slowly lifts, till I'm looking right at her. She look's as beautiful as ever. Her crimson eyes are set resolutely. There is a tinge of something in them a sort of fondness that I recognize. And the smile on her lips is warm and welcoming yet somehow incredibly sad. I stare at her. My face is frozen in a mask of impassivity. I don't know whether to smile or look away.

"Hello, Natsuki." It hangs in the air. The tone of her voice, that mesmerizing quality and the way my name rolls off her tongue is like liquid gold.

"Shizuru."


	20. Chapter 20

**So nobody likes being left on a cliff hanger. And I've decided to take pity on you guys. Also the gummy bears and the reviews inspired me to finish this chapter for you guys. (: Thanks for the reviews and keep them coming (: I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint.**

Leaning back against the closed door with a green clipboard in hand, Shizuru watches me. Our gaze meets and holds. We share this moment of silence as though communing everything we want or should have said. I am unsure. Is what hangs in the air, regret? Love? Or a sort of distancing that two strangers that somehow know each other share?

She takes a step forward, and almost instinctively, I flinch. She must have noticed it because her forward advance stops. Instead she meanders over to my bed and sits down. We are separated by a mere few feet.

The awkward silence is broken by her first. "How are you doing?"

"Hey," I gave her a weak smile. "Urm..I'm, you know, great. Fine." I cannot be angry, I cannot shout at her. With her this near to me, the icy wall around me that keeps people out is crumbling.

Her hand stretches out for me. I look away. But she cups her fingers gently around me chin, and turns me such that I'm looking into those fiery eyes of hers.

"You've not been sleeping," Shizuru stated.

"It's no big deal." Reaching down, I take the piece of plastic clipboard out of her hands, and dash my signature over the blank space of the paper where my name is written next to it in neat capital letters. "Here. It's done." I reach into my wallet and flash her my student card.

Shizuru hums a sound of agreement as her hand drops from my chin to reclaim the clipboard. "Thanks."

I have given her every excuse to leave now. But she doesn't move. After a moment, "So what did you mean about me and Margeurite-san?"

"Oh." I've dug my own hole here. You see, sometimes being a person who doesn't really have self- control over the words that tumble out of your mouth is really a bad thing. Saying what's on your mind is a bad thing. I stare into the distance, past Shizuru. I hope she decides the silence is awkward and comes up with a topic changer. Instead, she seems content to wait for me to answer.

I've never been good with awkward silence, so I hurry to layer it over. "I mean, you know. I see you with her. Having breakfast, that is. In the mornings, and I'm glad you like her. She's nice. Really nice. She makes a good friend, and uh maybe a good girlfriend. And I'm good with it." I drummed my fingers against the table nervously.

Shizuru frowns for a moment before a gleam enters her eyes. "So you wouldn't mind if I got together with her."

I am glad that I've been practicing how to smooth out that frown of mine into a smile. Because I use it now. "I would be happy for you. Really. You know…Happy." I force my eyes to meet her, and choke up as must honesty as I can into those insincere eyes of mine.

"Ara…" Shizuru tapped a finger on the table. "That's really nice to know."

She hums thoughtfully to herself. So much so that for that moment, i believe that she's really considering my words and her relationship with Tomoe. Because of that, her next words surprises me.

"But I wouldn't," Shizuru says carefully.

It's wrong. But the sense of relief that flushes through me is undeniable. "You wouldn't? I mean why? She's nice."

"Because my heart only has space for one."

"Oh…" I look away. At the ceiling. At the pencil holder that has somehow captured my attention.

"It's not fair. You're always running," Shizuru states suddenly.

"I'm sorry. What do you mean?"

"I said, you're always running. You run hot and cold. I don't understand you. Sometimes, you're near me, and I can feel your presence and not just your heart, but your entire being focused on me. I feel the love and all the words you never say—"

"I…"

"Don't. Let me finish. I get it. You're afraid of love. You're afraid of being hurt. But more than that, you're terrified of hurting me. Of hurting people. But you don't get to decide that. You don't get to choose that. I get to determine if I want to be hurt by you. I get to decide that it's worth it. Not you. So you can't cart me off onto some other girl you think is nice. And then hole yourself up in the corner of your room and pretend you're good. Because I can't stop worrying about you, especially when you're not all right."

"I'm fine." I protest.

"You're not. How much sleep have you gotten over the past few days?" In a swift movement, she grabs my right arm, and shoves the sleeve of my shirt up. Seeing nothing, she pulls me in, and swivels the chair around. I barely have time to counter her moves, when her hand is on my left arm this time, and this time when she pushes the shirt up, her eyes track quickly over the smattering of red cuts and a few healing ones. "You call this all right?"

I drag my arm out of her grasp and tug my sleeve back over to hide the cuts that have accumulated over the weeks. "You see. That's the problem. You're upset."

"Yes, I am."

"You don't get to be upset about this!"

"Why not?" This time her voice is dangerously quiet.

"Because it doesn't hurt me. I've told you again and again. It doesn't hurt me. Do you want me to prove it to you?" I grab the penknife in my pencil holder and slide the blade out. I underestimate her quickness because before I can bring it down Shizuru twists my right wrist. The twinge of pain spikes up my hand, and involuntarily I release the blade. It clatters onto the parquet floor.

"So you don't feel the pain. I accept that. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt you," Shizuru says through gritted teach.

"Twisting my wrist hurts more," I complain.

"Natsuki." The way she says my name, brooks no argument.

"Fine, it hurts me. You're going to give me some crap about it being my body and how harming it has got to be like the world's greatest sin next to murder or something. I mean, sure you can harp on and on about it, but I don't feel it. It doesn't affect me, so you shouldn't let it affect you. But then you're going to say, you love me, and somehow loving me means you get affected by it" I say sourly. "So, stop loving me. And you won't be affected by it," I comment offhandedly.

"No. I'm not. I'm not even asking you to stop cutting."

"Huh? You're not?" I asked surprised.

"I may not understand it. But I know it means a lot to you. I would want you to stop, but I'm not asking you to," Shizuru says quietly.

"But then…You'll always be hurt by it," I whispered.

"That's my choice remember."

"Shizuru. You don't want me. I'm a mess." I sigh. "When I was born, my Dad, he believed and had all these hopeful wishes for me. I didn't meet a single one. I used to get locked up in this room, with books, and books and papers that I had to complete. I had more homework than any kid in my class when I was five. If the quality wasn't good, he would get angry. And they had a happy marriage. My mum and my dad, but when I came in, he started to get angry. He started to feel like I undermined his power. Because he's this great researcher at work and people brag about their children winning the spelling Bee, and I was that one child, who let him down, who couldn't pass a spelling test or even ace a single mathematic exam. And my mum, she used to be happy. Now she has to lie to me about being happy. Can you believe that?" I took a deep breath before carrying on.

"And I've got a half-sister. Her name is Alyssa, and my Dad, he adores her. She's smart like IQ over 140 kind of smart. She dresses up like a lady and has the voice of an angel. She's everything that he wanted of me. So he spends more time with his mistress than my mum. You know what he tells me. He tells me that all great men leave behind a legacy. And his legacy is her, not me. My mother has to put up with him being with his mistress all the time. Because of me. Because if I was smarter, if I was better, if I was what he wanted ME to be, he would have stayed with my mum instead. He wouldn't have wandered off to find some other woman. He wouldn't have told my mum, her eggs were lousy, and they screwed up my genetics. I grew up knowing exactly precisely how imperfect and worthless I am. And guess what? He's right. I am pathetic, I am lousy. The only good thing that I can ever do would be to commit suicide, so that I won't burden the people around me. I self-harm, and I feel nothing. But you, you're so hurt by it. I can't do that to you. I can't keep hurting you. Do you get me?" I look up expecting tears, or pity. But I see a soft sort of compassion in her eyes that is not condescending.

"You have a half-sister?" Shizuru asked.

"Yes, I do."

"You never mentioned her to me before."

"It's certainly not my favorite topic of my lifetime."

"So you're pathetic, and lousy, and you hurt me. So I should get a new girlfriend. Someone maybe with a little less sordid history and has a life that is filled with rainbows and puppies and flowers?"

"If you put it that way. Yes."

"Why do you self-harm?"

"Because it's how I live with myself. Because I hate myself, and I feel as though if I can just destroy this body I inhabit, I'll become better; more perfect."

"Can you stop cutting? If you try that is," Shizuru asks cautiously.

"I…I don't know. It's difficult. I want to destroy something. But I don't want to hurt anybody. So I can only destroy myself. Because it doesn't hurt me."

"So you hate yourself?"

I exhale forcefully. "Maybe."

"Then I'll love you enough for two people." Shizuru pulled me in for a hug.

"Shizuru," I push against her shoulders. "You're not listening to me. Let me go and listen."

"I have," she huffs out in a childish voice. "I've listened to it all. Natsuki thinks she's pathetic and worthless and does nothing but bring hurt to me. Natsuki has a Dad who has an ego bigger than an elevator door, and Natsuki thinks Marguerite-san is excellent for me because she's…nice." Shizuru laughs. "Nice," she repeats. "God, Natsuki, you crack me up sometimes. Nice? Really? That's the best compliment you could come up with? Marguerite-san is brilliant, she's rather caring. She offered to take care of Natsuki for me. She has excellent taste in tea. She is well mannered, alittle elitist though but she possesses a very high standard of quality of work."

Jealousy fills me in that heartbeat. "Told you, she's nice. Well maybe, nice and good. Good for you, Shizuru. Date her. She's so much better."

"Ara…Is Natsuki jealous?"

"I'm not!" I retort indignantly.

"But you see. I know this other person. She's very flawed. She's not brilliant when it comes to school work, but she's smart where it counts. She hates tea. She is far from well mannered, she's crude and sometimes even vulgar. She's not elitist at all and she cares about her friends. And while she doesn't possess a very high standard of quality or work, she possesses an extremely high standard of love. To her love, means giving her very best. And if she is incapable of it, she rather someone else give it to me. Sometimes, she's a coward when it comes to accepting love. But she's incredibly brave when it comes to giving love. She would rather hurt herself, than hurt others. She self-harms because all that anger and injustice that people have done to her, she internalizes and multiplies it back upon herself. So instead of directing that anger at the people in her life who have hurt her, she directs it at herself. I don't think it's the smartest thing to do, but I love her. I love her for who she is. Pathetic, lousy, brave, caring, rude and all of it."

My eyes are filled with tears. "Hey," I whisper. I lean forward and rest my head against her chest. I hear each precise beat of her heart. I feel her warmth. Not just the physical warmth that surrounds me as her arms hold me close to her. But the warmth of her love. "I hate that I love you, you know that?"

She chuckles, as she strokes my midnight blue hair. "I know. You hate me. But you still love me even when you hate me. That's saying a lot."

"Maybe. Maybe."

We untangle ourselves and sit on the bed, separated this time only by a few centimeters. Shizuru takes my left hand gently, and rolls back the sleeve. Leaning forward, she kisses the cuts that line my upper arm. "I wish my Natsuki wouldn't hurt herself so much. Even if she doesn't feel the hurt," Shizuru said wirily. "You've got to remember, you know."

"Remember?" I echo.

"Remember that I'm loving you enough for two. And you need to learn to let yourself be loved. Because it doesn't matter how much I love you Natsuki. If you can't accept that love, it's pointless." Shizuru unfolds her legs and gets up. She walks over to my desk, bends down and picks up the yellow acrylic penknife. She stares at it for a moment pensively before sliding the blade back in place and tucking it into my pen holder. "And one day Natsuki, I'll be the one to throw this away for you. But I won't do it, when you aren't looking. When I do it, you'll know it and you'll let me. Remember that too."


	21. Chapter 21

**So it's something about the reviews you guys have been giving me combined with my free time that has me updating so regularly. In any case, enjoy (:**

* * *

It's not as though everything goes back to peachy the moment you decide to get back together with someone. There's still the overly cautious tip-toeing that we do around each other. It is as though we're afraid one small move might cause a breakup. I suppose that is something that will last for awhile before we can swing back into our normal girlfriend routine.

Shizuru still has breakfast with Tomoe. She says she enjoys the company and finds it lovely. I am slightly jealous, but not about to deny Shizuru good company and friendship just because I am feeling irrational. Also, I no longer sneak down to the dining hall to catch them in action—because I actually sleep nowadays. It's pretty much a miracle, sleep is amazing. Sleep is the only time where I receive oblivion from everything. From the things that haunt me every waking hour and from myself.

Mai is happily over the moon, for us. I had reluctantly found some time to text her that everything was back as usual. Of course, that was because of Shizuru's prompting. She tactfully suggested, that I tell Mai, that I no longer was a walking zombie. When I commented on it, Shizuru simply replied that anyone within a mile radius could tell that I was literally a zombie during the break-up period. Apparently, the eyebags weren't the only give away. It was the way I dragged my feet, the way my eyes looked at the world along with the weird timings I suddenly appeared to keep on facebook.

"At 6am in the morning, usually I'm the only one awake. The only other people awake on facebook are my friends who are living on a different time clock in the world. But you my dear Natsuki, somehow were awake at 6am on facebook. Chat settings don't lie especially when you can't be bothered to set it as offline," Shizuru said.

I refrained from commenting about that. It wasn't that I didn't think of setting my status to offline such that I could hide behind it. I had wished that by being online so early in the morning, that perhaps Shizuru would notice and take that time to talk to me. To me, people are either chatty really late into the night, or really early in the morning. Of course I didn't care to tell Shizuru that my online status in the early morning was partly a vain hopeful attempt to get her to talk to me. Still, I am pleasantly surprised that she had taken note of that. Then again, this is Shizuru we are talking about. I wonder if I really have anything to be surprised at.

I have class at twelve today. For the first time, I am revved to go for it. I scour around for my phone that in my hurry to get dressed, I have misplaced. I locate it in a crevice of my crumpled blanket. As I tug my jacket on, I send a quick text out to Shizuru.

_ 'Mai wants us to have dinner at her place tonight. It beats dining hall food. Free to go?' _

I tuck my phone into my jeans pocket, grab my file and bag before swinging out of the room. I catch the lift, and hurry across the campus to class. I make it to class just before the bell rings. Sliding into a seat next to Tomoe, I acknowledge her with a 'hello'.

The class proceeds as it always does. The teacher goes through the tutorial then divides us into groups to discuss answers. This time, I have no aversion to being grouped with Tomoe. There is something that still seems a little off about her, but for what it's worth she hasn't proven to be anything but nice.

I check my phone surreptitiously as Tomoe proceeds to talk to the group.

_'Anything beats hall food. I'll meet you at your bike at 6pm?'_

"Breakdown of carbohydrates huh? The mannitose and sucrose pathway are important. It does link up with the Xanthine pathway though, which you then have to follow through with Adenosine." Tomoe taps the blank A4 in front of her. She pushes one to the two students in our group. "You all can do the mannitose pathway." She passed another piece of paper to the other two students, "Settle the Xanthine pathway. Me and Kuga will deal with the sucrose and fructose one."

There is no argument as we break up into our usual groups. Tomoe's an efficient leader and much as I hate to say it, she is brilliant. She knows exactly what is important and sieves out that information faster than I can snap my fingers. "So Natsuki, what do you think is important in the sucrose pathway?"

"Uh…it breaks down to fructose, which is then broken down by the oxidative cycle and produces energy?"

"Actually…" Tomoe pauses and studies me. "That would be the glucose pathway. The glucose is converted to a form of fructose. Glucose-6-phosphate becomes fructose-6-phosphate. However, this is fructose-6-phosphate, not fructose itself."

"I thought they were kinda the same." I raise my eyebrow. To me, anything that looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, is a duck.

"No. You see fructose by itself actually becomes fat. It plays a role in triglyceride synthesis. And while your body metabolizes glucose and glucose actually makes you feel full. Fructose on the other hand doesn't add to that effect at all. So no matter how much fructose you consume, your brain would still be asking for more. All the way your fructose would be adding up to become fat in your body." With clean lines, Tomoe dashes out the pathway of fructose and sucrose metabolism.

"You're really smart," I blurt out. To be honest, I would never have made the distinction between fructose and fructose-6-phosphate and how the body metabolizes it. It makes perfect sense when Tomoe explains it, and if she didn't I would continue in my world where both molecules are the same to me.

"Unfortunately, not smart enough to get the attention of someone," Tomoe replies.

I blink once, then twice. "What do you mean? Even the professor knows you're smart."

Her pen nip stops scratching on the paper and settles on the end of a letter.

"Honestly, Natsuki. You're not that smart. What is it about you, that attracts Shizuru so much?"

I feel my back rear up against the chair and the ever open raw wound of mine that I'm stupid starts to bleed invisibly. "I didn't think intelligence was the basis by which people forge friendship bonds," I retorted slightly offended.

"Except you and I, and half the world out there, with two working eyes know that you both are more than that."

"Are you having problem with the fact that I'm gay," I hissed at Tomoe.

She pushes the pen into my hand. "Make yourself useful and finish up this mindmap." She folds her arms and looks at me. "Well?"

I sigh as I stare at the smattering of words scattered around the paper, linked with arrows. "I don't know. I always thought they were the same. I'll study this part after class today."

She takes back the pen and starts scribbling. "Intelligence may not be the basis upon which people form friendships, but an idiot and a genius would have a hard time getting along. So I don't get how she can be friends with you. Make that, more than friends."

"You know, Shizuru was right when she said that you're an elitist. Because you sure as hell are." Despite the fact that Tomoe is making my intelligence look like a laughing stock now, I still cannot help but be amazed at the way, the mindmap before me takes shape. It is obvious, that everything in her head is so neatly mapped out that this is at the tip of her mind.

"I just don't understand people who have the potential to be smart, but do nothing about it. In fact, I don't understand stupid people." She leans over and glances at the other two students working on the Mannitose pathway. "You got the lower part wrong," she comments curtly before turning back to our mindmap that she is working on.

The other two students send me a pitying look which I appreciate. "Fine, I'm stupid. Are you going to unfriend me now?"

"Well my mother always said that I ought to learn to make friends with everyone and not just the upper echelons."

"Well thanks, I'm ever grateful," I reply sarcastically.

"You ought to be. I'm doing this mostly because Shizuru asked me to take care of you. You know that. It must be quite pathetic to always be the one taken care of. Do you even know how to care for her? Or do you just like to feel all well and taken care of like a pampered princess."

"Excuse me, if that's none of your business. I'll let Shizuru know that you'll like to be let off your services. Pardon me, for being such a burden, especially one who needs your pity and your help. I can pass my exams just fine without you." I am indignant. Just because maybe say I suck at biology, doesn't mean I'm a complete and total idiot. I can do math, like the best of them, weirdly so. And I can fix anything to do with a bike, has metal steel parts and such.

"Of course. Just a pass. I forget that people like you aim for passes, where Shizuru and I aim for the best."

"Seriously, Tomoe. You're an ass today." I sit back, and mentally try to memorize the mindmap as she completes it. Usually, she passes me the mindmap after tutorials for me to bring it home to revise since I'm usually the one with problems. But today, I am determined to not take it from her. I'm not a charity case.

* * *

I stalked my way over to the stranded carpark where my bike was parked and where a gorgeous brunette stood. Her file was placed on the floor next to her feet and she leaned against the wall reading from a small blue booklet. The wind shuffled strands of lightened oak brown hair across her face as wine red eyes scanned the pages.

"Hey Shiz."

She looks up and closes her book with a snap. "Hello, Natsuki." With a quick check to make sure that no one is looking at us, she bends forward and greets me with kiss on the cheek.

"Did you tell Tomoe to help me out in my work?" I demanded.

"Yes, as a matter of fact I did, I thought you wouldn't mind the extra edge," she said smoothly.

"Of course I wouldn't mind. But that woman treats me like a charity case."

"Ahhh…Well, Marguerite-san can be alittle elitist," Shizuru replied placatingly.

"You see, I don't particularly have a problem with people helping me out in my studies. God knows I can do with those mindmaps of hers that are impeccably drawn up." I shove my bag into the back container of my bike and pick up Shizuru's file to add to it. She tosses over the booklet she's holding, and I tuck it in with the other belongings. "But, I will not be treated like a pathetic charity case, and I'm not going to beg for her help."

"Then don't." Shizuru mounts the bike behind me.

I rev, the engine, and maneuver out of the lot. "Of course. I rejected her beautifully drawn up mindmap today."

"Do you want me to talk to her?"

"Oh please. You know, she thinks, I'm stupid and wonders how you and I are together."

"Oh she knows?"

"Apparently, anyone with two eyes knows we're together. Her point is that, I'm so dumb that in her mind, it is inconceivable that you and I can actually communicate. Though she may have a point, I am dumb."

Shizuru's arms tighten around my waist. "No, you're not. Natsuki's not allowed to say stuff like that about herself."

"That's like denial. I'm not living in denial. I am dumb, in comparison to you and Tomoe's standard of intelligence. Oh, except I'm damn good with my hands and I make a great mechanic. So no, I'm not that dumb."

"You may not be as intelligent when it comes to studies. But you're brilliant with handiwork. I for one was rather amazed when you repaired the toilet pump when it broke at Mai's house."

"See that's the point. I can fix almost anything. But apparently, there's a difference between a functose-6-phosphate and a fructose molecule and I'm too dumb to know there is one."

"Of course there's a difference. If not why would the name be different?" Shizuru asked quizzically.

"Thanks Shiz. That's so comforting to know. I mean I just thought they belonged to the same pathway."

"Oh they don't. The fructose pathway leads to the triglyceride one. Whereas—"

"The fructose-6-phosphate is the glycolysis one right. I got that today. After Tomoe made me look like a fool."

"You don't have to accept help from her if you don't want to. I can help you."

"No. You're so busy. You don't have time to teach me. I'll put more effort into my work. I can. I'm just lazy sometimes."

"If you insist. But I'm here. You can ask for help anytime you need," Shizuru said dubiously.

"Nah, forget it. Maybe I wasn't born with this gene that allows me to keep my attention span for more than an hour studying. But I sure as hell wasn't born some plain idiot, who's pathetic at everything. I fix bikes. I fix the aircon. I fix things."

"Yes you do."

"Are you patronizing me Shizuru?" I asked incredulously.

"I'm not!" she protested vehemently. "I'm just glad you're not dismissing it. There would have been a time, you'll just think you're stupid. But you're fishing out your good points now."

"That's cause I'm mad. I'm mad that someone like TOMOE, has the guts to tell me I'm an idiot. When her car breaks down, I'll be the one whistling as I drive by."

"Vengeful much someone," Shizuru commented.

I stopped the bike at the traffic light, and wiped my palms on my trousers before gripping the handlebars. "Seriously? She thinks I'm not fit for you because I don't have that dazzling brilliance of hers. She's lucky I didn't flip her on the table and crack her head against that mindmap of hers."

"You're really pissed huh." Shizuru eyed her love, whom she'd never seen quite so angry before. Well, with the exception of the day she was molested. "I commend your patience by not utilizing some of your more uncivilized moves on her."

"I'll show her. Oh I really will, in a proper civilized manner somemore. For the next week, you're going to see me study my eyes out every day. I'll baby sit my work with a tub of mayo. Then I'm going to own her ass in the test if ever."

"I'm sure you will," Shizuru said smoothly.

"Are you patronizing me? Now you really sound like you do," I accused.

Shizuru giggled. "Natsuki, even with a tub of mayo, I doubt you can spend an entire day much less a week studying."

I swung the bike into the parking lot at the entrance of Mai's apartment. "So you don't believe I will huh? I'll show you. I'll show her," I mumbled under my breath. I dismounted and lifted the helmet off Shizuru's head. Smiling at her messy hair, I ran my fingers through them causing them to untangle. "You believed in me Shizuru, when you said you'll love me enough for two. Nobody ever loved me through my flaws, or expected nothing from me. But you did. And for once in my life, I feel like I can do anything with you behind me."

Shizuru raised an eyebrow at me and smirked. "Does that mean you'll embark on your week of studying and own Tomoe in the upcoming quiz?"

I passed Shizuru on my way to the back of my bike, and whispered into her ear. "You bet your ass, I will."

"Then I'll look forward to it," she smiled.

It was a confident smile. It was a smile that showed her belief in me. It was warm and reassuring and completely sure. I slid my hand into hers and let our fingers entwine. "Let's go up."

* * *

I fished the key out of a boot on the shoe rack, and opened the door to Mai's apartment. "We're here."

"Gimme a second," Mai yelled back from the kitchen. "Food's almost done."

"Hey Tate," I sprung myself onto the couch next to where he sat watching television. Shizuru took her place on the armchair.

"Sup" He shifted over to give me more space.

"Animal planet?"

"Something about mermaids being real and governments hiding the data." He yawned as he crunched on a couple of peanuts that he held in his palm.

I whistled through my teeth. "Sounds like a conspiracy theory to me."

He shrugged. "Maybe. You want me to change the channel?"

"Leave it. Mermaids are fine with me." After watching for five minutes, I decided to head to the kitchen to see if Mai was done, and to look out for some opportunity to swipe some mayonnaise.

"Smells good." I peered into the pot. "I love ramen."

"You ought to love me, since I'm the one cooking it."

"I'll love you more, when I get an extra scoop of mayo inside." I reached for the spoon to taste some of the soup when Mai tapped her ladle sharply across my knuckles.

"Hey!" I protested. "I just wanted to try the soup."

"Don't touch anything. In fact, get out of the kitchen. With you around, my pot might suddenly explode."

"Sheesh." I left the kitchen and wandered over to the packet of poker cards on the shelves. "Hey Tate, want to play poker?"

"Sure."

"Shiz?"

"Shh Natsuki. I'm trying to watch the documentary." With raptured eyes, Shizuru stared at the screen as though it was the prey and she, the predator.

"Seriously? Mermaids?" I asked as I shuffled the deck of cards.

"It's fascinating," she replied distractedly.

I rolled my eyes and brought the deck of cards over to the sofa and started dealing on the table.

I was winning my second hand when Mai brought the food out. With a whoop, I crammed the cards back into the box and hurried over to the table. With hopeful doe eyes, I scanned the four bowls for one that would have mayonnaise.

"Mai. Where's—"

"Your mayo? It's coming. Patience." She appeared in the doorway holding a small bowl that held the white creamy substance that I craved.

"Thanks." I dished three huge spoons of mayonnaise into my soup. Contemplated, and decided that I could do with the whole bowl of mayonnaise inside. So I proceeded to dump it all in.

"Shiz, food." I turned around to catch the guilty and conflicted look on Shizuru's face.

"The documentary. It's really good, you know," she looked at me somewhat pleadingly.

"Seriously Shiz. Manners." It's the one thing Shizuru always is. Polite. No matter how much she can like a show on television, she has better manners than to eat in front of the TV.

With a somewhat guilty sigh, she got off the armchair and seated herself at the table. I nudge her over to my seat and swapped places so that hers would be facing the television.

She gifted me with a brilliant smile before she thanked Mai for the food.

Halfway through the meal, I requested for another bowl of mayonnaise and wasn't stopped by Shizuru. I gave thanks to the gods that mermaids on television was distracting Shizuru from controlling my mayonnaise diet. Mai didn't bother to object since it was her food that I was enjoying and retrieved a second serving for me.

"Hey Mai, do you think I could get one of those tubs of mayonnaise you have to take home?"

Mai shot a look in Shizuru's direction and was alittle puzzled that there was no comment. Just a raptured expression of fascination directed at the television. "Whyever?" she asked.

"I'm studying. And I need mayonnaise to help me study. You know like how the occasional snack helps you concentrate."

"You. Studying?" she blinked twice, and shot another look in Shizuru's direction.

"It's a personal challenge. I'm going to become 'Shizuru number two'. I'm going to attempt to reach her god-like level of concentration."

"And somehow you've employed mayonnaise to be your partner, in achieving your uh…new godly status?"

"Well duh. So can I get one?"

"Sure. I mean if Shizuru doesn't seem to be against it. It's fine. She's the one regulating your diet anyway. I'll pass it to you later."

The night ended with Shizuru babbling about mermaids and evidence and bone structure while I listened with half a ear open. The other part of me was literally prancing around at the idea of an entire tub of mayonnaise.

When we got back onto the bike, Shizuru all but cuddled up against my back. "I had a lovely night tonight, Natsuki."

"It was the mermaids right?" I replied.

"That and the food, and the fact that we're okay and we had dinner at Mai-han's place."

"I had a lovely night too."

"It was the mayonnaise right," she murmured sleepily into my back.

I started the engine. "That and the fact that we're okay and we had dinner at Mai's place."

Warm hands enveloped my waist, as I took off into the night.


	22. Chapter 22

**Christmas come early for you guys? I don't know why my muse has suddenly embarked on a writing rampage. Enjoy it while it lasts (:**

* * *

I nudge the cup of cappuccino Latte an inch away from me so that I could arrange the spread out worksheets in front of me. _Metabolism, citric acid, acetaldehyde, oxaloacetate, aconitase, mannitose, xanthine. _These words are supposed to make sense to me. Unfortunately in my mind's eye, it's simply gibberish. I refrained from laying my head down on the table.

Sure I like biology. I think it's fascinating to know how the human body works. But when it comes to the itsy bitsy molecular level by which people start naming substances, I draw a huge blank. Nevertheless, I did not get into university simply by demonstrating my bike-riding skills. Given a few hours, I know that I'll be able to arrange the 'fragments of chaos', as Shizuru calls it, into a more comprehensive state that I am able to understand.

I feel the affectionate rub of my head as a cup of Green Tea latte edges into my view on the table.

"I'm glad to see you studying." Shizuru slides smoothly into the seat opposite me; unloading a stack of notes from her other hand onto the wooden surface.

I feel her left hand move down to give me a quick squeeze on the shoulder and I smile. "Why, hello there. How nice of you to join me in my misery."

She replies by giving me a quick smile before turning on her laptop. With deft movements, there is a stack of notes to her left, a blank stack of A4 paper in front of her and her laptop arranged in a diagonal slant from her right. "I've got quite abit to finish today."

That's the typical way of Shizuru saying 'I don't have much time to talk today because I have a lot of things to cover'. "Mmmm…" I replied. I secretly admire the way Shizuru studies. When she gets down to her work, her mind is completely focused on it. She dislikes interruptions when she's in the middle of something. If I ever do say something and she is in the midst of her work, she simply holds up a hand and I take that as a sign that I have to wait till she's done before she replies me. Although, it can be alittle frustrating at times because I feel the need to have an occasional chat before I am ready to carry on with my work.

An hour passes by, and my cup of hot cappucino has dwindled into an empty cup. The mind-map that I am drawing has filled out three quarters of a page and my boredom has sky rocketed. Needless to say, Shizuru is the queen of concentration whereas I am the attention deficit hyperactive kid that cannot study for long spans of time. It doesn't mean I can't study. I can. I just need to do it in short blocks of time.

"Hey Shiz –" I stop when she gives me the hand. I guess I'll just go and take a walk to unwind. "I'm just going to take a break and go the toilet."

She acknowledges me with a nod of her head.

I push back and leave the café that we have been studying at. I stretch my arms and feet, shake out the kink in my neck as I watch students stumble by. Those in pairs or more are talking animatedly. A few loners, hurry past me to the opposite building in a bid to escape the scorching heat.

Walking along the corridor with my thumbs in my pocket, I kick the door to the lavatory open. It is surprisingly empty. I pause at the sink to look at myself in the mirror before taking a moment to splash water onto my face, twice. The cup of coffee has not done much to increase my attention span.

We all know that caffeine is that miraculous stuff that keeps you awake at night or when you have a pile of work with your name on it. Sometimes, it doesn't actually work for us. Some of us use it like a placebo that actually works. If someone gave us a cup of decaffeinated coffee, we wouldn't really know it. Studying life science has equipped me with the knowledge that caffeine is a stimulant that acts on the body's adenosine receptor. And while it does stimulate your brain to think, it stimulates your body too. That means that while my capacity to concentrate increases, it also makes me fidgety as hell. In my opinion, the fidgety-ness it incites outweighs my ability to concentrate. "Never going to attain my god-like status at this rate," I grumble to myself.

I pace along the corridor; reluctant to return to the café and back to work. I kick at the grass, stare at the sky, watch the birds twitter by. I call it taking a break. Shizuru calls its procrastination. But I have determined that the gods do not understand mere mortals like us.

Whipping out my iphone, I scrolled around for a good rock song. I check my watch and decide that my ten minute break starts now. I stop at 'Emerald Eyes by Blacklisted Me' and turn up the volume. It is a quaint song with lyrics that fit me.

_When you lie awake and you feel like you're dying.  
To see the world through my eyes maybe for once in your life.  
Barely alive to the side of the siren's life.  
Your lies is taking what life behind your emerald eyes._

It is made more apt that my eyes are the shade of a high quality green beryl. So I tap my feet to the rhythm, spin around on my heels, bob my head and wait for time to tick by. Without needing an urge, time surges past, and my ten minutes are burnt faster than I can burn calories on a treadmill. I stroll back to the café.

Imagine my annoyance when I approach the café to find Shizuru talking to Tomoe who so happens to be occupying my seat. I stop from afar, and watch the scene unfold through the glass panels of the café.

I don't mean to sounds like jealous girlfriend. But SHE gave me the hand. The 'Do-not-disturb-me-because-I-have-no-time-to-talk' hand. And I come back to find her talking to Tomoe. So I watch, wait with almost anticipatory intent for Shizuru to dismiss Tomoe. But she doesn't. Another ten minutes goes by and still they are chatting. I decide to reclaim my usurped throne.

Pushing past the glass framed doors, I walk over to the table. "Hey, Tomoe."

The teal-haired girl smiles at me. "I helped you. Finished it in pencil for you."

I look down to find my three quarter drawn mindmap completed with squiggles from a pencil. I take a moment to decide what I should say or express on my face. A grateful thank you, a stubborn I-didn't-need-your-help or a dismissive grunt. I settled on a stubborn look paired with a dismissive grunt. "Didn't ask for your help."

Tomoe shrugged as she picked herself off my chair. "Figured it wouldn't do any harm."

Shizuru graced Tomoe with a smile expressing her gratitude as the purple-eyed girl left and took a place at the opposite side of the café where she was now seated.

"Whose side are you on? Stop fraternizing with the enemy." I shot Shizuru a look.

"I wasn't." She patted my hand and gestured for me to take my seat as she went back to reading her notes.

"What's Tomoe doing here anyway?" I ask.

"It's a café. Anyone can use it," Shizuru replied without lifting her eyes from her notes.

"What did you all talk about?"

"Hmmm…I'm studying Natsuki."

Now, I am slightly offended and outraged. She spent a good ten minutes talking to Tomoe, and now she's can't spare me a minute to talk.

"Whatever." I mumbled to myself. I frown at the mindmap, unsure if the scribbles in lead are to be trusted. What if it's a ploy, to get me to do badly in the exams? Would Tomoe do that? I'm not sure, but I certainly won't put it beneath her.

I flip my book open, and carry on with my mindmap in ink. It disappoints me fifteen minutes later that all the information written was correct. And some of the scribbles that were not indicated in the book, was confirmed to be true with a search function on Google. "Bloody olympian gods. Wonder how the Greeks put up with them. I, for one, wouldn't worship at their feet. I'll break their statues and eat ambrosia till I become a demi-god. Hah!" I grumble to myself. I draw a cloud, a bearded old man sitting on top it, with a lightning bolt coming down at the top of the piece of my paper. "Even Zeus himself will have to acknowledge me." I add an arrow and draw a comic imitation of Hercules punching Zeus.

"And Circe turned the men into pigs. Now stop talking to yourself, wasting your time, and STUDY." Shizuru all but glared at me.

Did I mention that Shizuru can be quite a monster when you distract her? She's not exactly the most fun person to study with. She doesn't take breaks. She doesn't talk to herself, or communicate with her work. She just studies silently.

I like to communicate with my work. I talk to my fructose molecules as they get converted. I weave a story around them and emphasize it with onomatopoeias.

I pick up my earphones that are unattached from my iphone and stuff them into Shizuru's ears and mouth the words 'Now you can't hear me'.

Her mouth twitches into a half smile before she goes back to her work.

I entertain myself with the rest of the metabolic cycle with mumbled expression and bangs. "So citric acid gets bored and decides to change his clothes cause he really likes malic acid. After his makeover, he becomes an isocitrate molecule. Then he decides, 'hey maybe he ought to get a liposuction' so he looses a carbon atom and becomes oxaloacetase. But he's rather displeased after the liposuction, so he decides to go in for another surgery. Bam! He looses another carbon atom and now he's a succinate molecule."

An hour and a half passes and my legs start to twitch in impatience. Everything in the room starts to become much much more interesting than my work. Like say for example, how the barista at the counter makes the coffee. I notice its four pumps of sugar syrup for a large cup and two pumps for the regular sized one. I notice that the ceiling fans are installed more for decorative purposes than anything else. The wooden blades swirl lazily, possibly at its lowest speed. I study the other Olympian God in the corner. I notice that she is like Shizuru in that her attention is completely spent on her work. There is no furtive glances around, no studying of the environment, just a submersion into her work. I take some time to wonder if I can even do better than her, or if that is simply a fool's quest. I study the back of her head and notice for the first time that her hair color is rather pretty. It is a turquoise with an algae tinge of green, partnered with a slightly loopy curl at the end of her hair. I swap my attention to the person in front of me and compare their features.

Then I smile to myself. There really isn't anything to compare. Pale brown hair flowing over the shoulders, a short fringe that covers her forehead, delicately crafted eyebrows. Fitting indeed for an Olympian God. I compare Shizuru to Artemis. The goddess of the hunt; who is predatory and uncommonly but not ill-representatively associated with aphrodisiac abilities.

I somehow find the visage before me breathtakingly sexy. The narrowed crimson eyes that are downcast as they register and take in the work before her. The way, she nurses her cup of green tea latte as her index finger taps the table. It's the few tell-tale signs that Shizuru is deep in thought.

I sigh. Then double sigh. Triple sigh. Then, I open my book, and go back to studying. The path to godliness is not easy. Let nobody tell you otherwise. If I weren't trying so hard to achieve my godly status, I wouldn't be refraining from kissing Shizuru senseless nor would I be studying as though my life depends on it.

* * *

I lounged on the stairs near the exit of the lecture theatre. It is fifteen minutes till the test and I have my stack of notes and mindmaps seated on my lap as I wait for the people inside the lecture hal to leave.

I peer around the wall to observe Tomoe who is seated at one of the study tables drinking what is probably tea from a takeaway cup. There is no worksheet or book in sight.

Some people would take that to be a good sign. It is clearly not. It means that she feels as though she has studied everything there is. To people like her, there is no such thing as last minute studying. Realistically, I don't think my ardent week of studying will actually put me above Tomoe. What it certainly do will show me that, despite my hardest effort that there really is a bridge between the mortals and the gods. But, I'm still willing to throw my best coin into that bucket and see how it goes.

It is no surprise to me when I see Shizuru walking in the direction of my lecture theatre. This is the typical crossroad by which the medicine and science students encounter each other. I get up from my isolated corner in the stairs with the intention of waving Shizuru over so that she'll see me, when I see her turn from the direction I am in and head towards the study table area.

She stops at the table Tomoe is at, and seats herself opposite the amethyst eyed woman. They chat. I watch and wait, and expect Shizuru to look around for me at some point of time. It only makes sense, if Tomoe is around, so would I be. After all, Shizuru knows I'm having my test today at this time. But she does not. She just talks to Tomoe.

The flood of students from the lecture theatre surge out and they obstruct my vision as they stream past me towards the canteen. I check my watch and note that it's 5minutes before the test. I look up as the crowd clears to see Shizuru giving Tomoe a pat on her back before she leaves in the opposite direction for the canteen.

I wonder if she even tried to looking for me? Isn't that what a girlfriend is supposed to do? Wish you luck just before your test? I check my phone, thinking there'll be a message or a missed call. All that stares back at me is the time on the screen. No blinking folder that indicates a new message or a bleep of red light for a missed call.

I don't have time to think any further because I see my coursemates hurrying into the lecture hall. I hastily stuff my books and papers into my bag as I join them. Tomoe joins the crowd with a self-satisfied smile across her face.

Right now, I just might be imposing my own thoughts on her. Maybe that's how Tomoe's face typically looks like. Maybe, she is just thinking to herself and smiling at some fond memory. Whatever the case is, to me, I see nothing but a smug and self-satisfied smile that I cannot wait to wipe from her face.

I throw the thought of Shizuru and her together, out of my mine. Lock it up in the small chest in my corner of my mind, bind it with steel chains and harvest out all the knowledge on metabolism that I can. I fill my mind, with the complex names of molecular substances.

I retrieve my pencil case, my jacket and a bottle of water from my bag as I leave it at the front of the lecture theatre. I pause to fish out my phone one last time, to see if there is a message in my inbox. There is none, so I throw it back into my bag and hurry up the stairs of the lecture theatre to my seat.

From my seat, I scan the seated individuals. My gaze finally lands and rest on a certain turquoise haired girl. I grip the pencil in my hand tightly as I allow a slight smile to cross my face.

THIS IS WAR.

But as the professor announces that we can open the booklet to start writing, I am struck with the fleeting question of 'What am I fighting for?'

I reaffirm myself that I am fighting for my pride, and my intelligence, and nothing more. But inside me is a roaring thunder of dissatisfaction and the quiet question of 'How do you fight for something that is supposedly yours?


	23. Chapter 23

** Hello guys. How have you all been? I'm sorry this isn't as long as you probably would like it to be but enjoy (:**

Do you know, she asked. When I met her after my quiz in the dining hall. The first words out of her mouth was 'How was the test?'

So I dismissed every thought of jealousy in my head because she remembered.

I felt visible. Like Shizuru was looking straight at me. It was so different from the afternoon, where it felt like she wasn't there. But she's looking at me now. So I dismiss it. I convince myself it is my imagination. Someone who looks at you like this can't possibly be in love with someone else.

"It was…Wow."

Shizuru smiled at me. "Wow good or wow bad?"

I collect two pairs of utensils from the stand. "Wow good. I mean, wow. I knew how to do almost everything. It was like bam, click. It's there." I tapped my card against the sensor and the lady handed me a token.

Shizuru followed suit behind me. "At least the hard work paid off."

"Hell, it had better. Slogged my ass for it. Least it could do, is at least repay me with an A grade. I could settle for an A minus."

We strolled from one end of the cafeteria to the other end. I considered the second store with intention as I watched sticks of Yakitori and a bowl of rice being dished onto a serving plate.

Shizuru peered at the small serving name card. "Chicken yakitori. Hmmm…"

"Looks good doesn't it," I commented

Shrugging her shoulders, Shizuru walked over to the next store that we had already walked past once.

"How is rice and vegetables any nicer?" I called out.

"You have a point there," she replied over the distance as she moved to yet the next store.

I handed in my token to the lady who was serving the Yakitori. She pushed a plate containing 4 sticks of yakitori and rice in my direction. I swept up a tray and laid the utensils and my food onto it.

Looking up, I see Shizuru coming back towards me. "No western food for you?"

Shizuru sighed. "No."

"Why do you bother walking up and down, when we all, including the uncle serving the beef burger, know that you never eat western?" I asked quizzically.

"Because it is my everlasting hope that if I walk up and down the rows of store enough, something more appealing might appear on the dinner menu," Shizuru answered drolly.

"And yet you are doomed to disappointment every time," I replied.

"Alas, my pitiful life." Shizuru passed her token to the same lady as I had and picked up her dish of food with the most distasteful look one could expect from the object of a fan club.

I frown out at the dining hall that is seeing its usual share of people. I head over to a few empty spots and set my tray down. I pull out the chair and am about to sit when Shizuru nudges me.

I turn around careful to not jar the pointed ends of the yakitori sticks lest they fall to the ground. "Yeah?"

Shizuru beckoned with her head to the other side of the dining hall where Tomoe sat alone with a plate of food before her. "Want to have dinner with Margeurite-san? The more the merrier."

If mental sighs could physically manifest, I'll be blowing out clouds of furious smoke like a dragon. "Sure whatever. Sit with the competition."

"Friendly competition," Shizuru added in. "I thought you liked her?"

I am about to make a 'meh' sound. "I neither like nor dislike her."

"Oh…Well. In that case we can sit here. It's just that she looks alittle lonely over there, don't you think so?" Shizuru says almost wistfully.

I surrender. "It's fine. Let's all have dinner together," I reply with fake enthusiasm. I mean, is it too much to ask that I have dinner with my girlfriend? That's all I'm asking the universe for right now. But I know that if we sit down now, Shizuru will forever be looking over my shoulder at Tomoe. Because that's Shizuru. She's the champion for the underdogs and the lonely. She has some strange fascination with them. I know because, she ignores all the squealing fan girls and targets that one lonely girl in the corner. This is not the first. Tomoe is not the first, and surely not the last. And this sinking feeling in my heart is simply disappointment because I looked forward to spending some private time with my girlfriend.

"If you're fine with that then." Shizuru trotted over to the girl whose hair color stood out amongst the crowd of brown and black. She sat her tray down next to Tomoe and gifted the girl with a dazzling smile.

I notice that it's the one that Shizuru practices and uses on her fan club on a regular basis. That eases my spirit alittle.

"Don't mind if we sit down with you," Shizuru excuses herself politely

"Hello, Tomoe." I sit my tray down opposite both of them.

"Fujino-san. Natsuki." Tomoe lets out a tinkle of laughter. "Yakitori too?"

"It looked the most enticing out of everything," I handed Shizuru her set of utensils.

"I thought so too," Tomoe replies instantly. Two empty wooden sticks are laid on the table next to her plate.

"I expected that of you. You and I seem to have similar taste. In fact, I was rather surprised Natsuki didn't go for the beef burger," Shizuru said.

"Just because I like western food doesn't mean I take every living and breathing chance to eat it," I reply.

"Could have fooled me," Shizuru joked.

I send her a half smile. It's not really funny because at this moment I can't help recalling every instance where Tomoe compares how similar Shizuru is to her. I ignore the disturbed feeling in my chest that threatens to drown away my appetite as I bite into the skewed chicken.

Shizuru starts to eat slowly too. Albeit, in a much more delicate fashion than me. "So Margeurite-san, how did you find the quiz today?"

"Pretty good. It was rather simple and straight forward."

I almost cough up the spoonful of rice that goes into my mouth. 'Simple' is not quite the word I was looking for. It wasn't particularly difficult, but neither was it simple.

"Ah…that's good. Natsuki here found it quite a breeze too."

"And Natsuki can speak up for herself," I replied. "It was okay. I don't think it was that simple. But it was decently okay."

Tomoe shrugged dismissively. "Yes, it was okay."

"It would have seemed easy for you because I understand you are quite a high flyer are you not?" Shizuru asked.

"That's only so many ways you can land yourself up on the dean's list," Tomoe replies smoothly.

"I guess sleeping around wasn't your preferred method," I said forthrightly.

"Ara…That was quite rude Natsuki." Shizuru sent me a chastening look.

"Sorry, you know what I mean," I gestured.

With a curled lip, Tomoe lifted an eyebrow in my direction. "Sleeping around is reserved for idiots who can't seem to make it work out despite their best efforts of utilizing their brain. I know a few people who could do with opening their legs."

I am tempted to bare my teeth. It's a general statement, but my sixth sense tells me it's meant for me.

"I suppose desperate people would do it. A well-reckoned university degree is something that is coveted and important to some people," Shizuru interjects. "It must be frustrating and sad for these people though. Some people aren't built for studies. It doesn't mean they're not smart in other ways. It is rather pitiful to stoop to sex for grades. But I guess it's something that people resort to."

"Why pity them?" Tomoe asks. "If they worked hard, I'm sure they could do well. It isn't so much about their brains as it is about their willingness to use it."

"Genetically, people are wired differently. I would think it affects their ability to study," Shizuru replies as she searches her bag for her water bottle. "Some people find it easy to study, whereas others find it much more difficult. I would say, it would be more difficult for someone who is less inclined to study to do well."

"Then, they ought to put in my effort if they know they're lacking. Life doesn't always give you a fair hand to win. If you get a bad draw of cards, then work harder to win." Tomoe polishes off another yakitori stick, leaving only one left on her plate.

"Ara…But statistically speaking, someone with a bad hand is more likely to lose. So it is understandable that given the same amount of effort they put in as compared to someone with a good hand, they are still at a disadvantage."

"I'm buying into Shizuru's argument better," I comment offhandedly to the air. Why do I feel secretly happy that Shizuru and Tomoe are on different sides of this argument.

"And I… still think it depends and rests with the determination of someone who is willing to overcome his or her bad set of cards."

"While you have a point there, I would think, more understanding ought to be given to the people on the losing end," Shizuru says finally.

"Then may we agree to disagree on this topic," Tomoe says rather bluntly.

Shizuru smiles. "I'll like that very much. It is nice to occasionally debate with someone. I don't buy into eugenics that much, but I certainly consider genetics a factor. Personally, I can't handle tools for nuts. When my cupboard spoils, I think to buy a new one. I've tried assembling a model car once. Needless to say it did not resemble a car when I was done. But Natsuki, she repairs things. She assembled the car on the first try with referencing to the same manual I had. So perhaps, if I had put in more determination, I may have very well assembled the car on say my fifth try. But the effort required would be so much more. In that sense we all can't expect to be similar to each other."

"I thought we were agreeing to disagree on the topic?" Tomoe questioned.

"Ara…I'm sorry. I can be quite forceful with my views can I?" Shizuru looked apologetic as she took a few sips of water from her bottle.

"At least you know it," I retort lightly at Shizuru.

She gives me a mock frown and steals a piece of chicken that I've unskewered onto my plate.

"Hey!"

"Natsuki's the one who always says that stolen food is nicer." Shizuru pops the chicken into her mouth and chews delightedly.

I roll my eyes. "Eat your own food," I growl at her.

Tomoe offers some of her chicken to Shizuru who declines saying that she has her own and only wanted to steal some of mine. I want to laugh amused at that scene unfolding before me. It was a joke. It's not like Shizuru really wants or needs that piece of chicken. Tomoe is taking things too seriously.

Still, it makes me feel special. That somehow, Shizuru's willingness to eat my food is a reflection of a special bond that only we have.

* * *

That night after dinner, we returned to our rooms. Shizuru stopped at mine for alittle while but had to leave shortly because she was exhausted from the long day.

I don't know why. I ended up flipping my penknife in my hands in front of my desk. The laptop before me was playing a song with way too much bass and screaming as the yellow acrylic penknife twirled around my fingers. As I pushed at the blade, I listened to every click as the blade moved down a notch lower. Then in a silent desperate moment, I pushed my sleeves up and I was dragging a long diagonal line down my shoulder. I then watched the blood bead up like small little rivulets coming to life. Slowly, very slowly, they met each other and became one drop that trickled down my arm only to be caught by a tissue paper at the end of its journey. That small drop of blood spread its way out, diffusing into a large expanding circle on the absorbent paper. I sat there in silence and waited as the sluggish gathering of blood crusted and dried up. Then, I let my sleeve fall and I slept easy that night.


	24. Chapter 24

I whittled the piece of oak in my hand with a carving knife. It's something I haven't done in a long while. Take some time out by myself and just relax. No Shizuru, no friends. Just me, my Ducati and a solid piece of oak.

People paint this wonderful picture of how being in love is all rainbows and sunshine. They hardly mention that being in love has its cons and needless to say, it can be exhausting at times. It's emotionally draining when you don't know if you can trust the person beside you. And even if the person is worthy of trust, trust isn't something you can rationalize and just offer. It is very much like faith, you leap and crash and burn if it doesn't work out. And if it does work out, you live in the constant apprehension that it's not going to work.

Let's not fool anyone with the sort of perfection and stability a relationship brings. Because at the end of it, we're just two strangers in love. In a brief moment of romance, we think we know each other, we think we are more than friends, in fact, we think we are soul mates meant for each other. We think that the words we exchange and the moments we share with each other forges a bond. Of course, I'll not go to the extent and say that a bond isn't formed. It is. But this bond is fragile, it snaps with the simple words of 'break-up'. And just like that, we're back to being two strangers. For a while, we pretend to be friends, we dance around each other in awkwardness and finally we give up and fade away into the shadows. Just like that we forget and dismiss every memory we've ever made together.

I am not stupid. I am not that foolish girl that throws my heart at Shizuru simply because she is Shizuru. Take any girl from her fan club, they'll be offering themselves up to her like steak to a lion. They believe Shizuru is perfect, and everything from her is perfect. They don't doubt her. But they should. Anyone who uses a practiced smile like her should be doubted. Anyone who is a sweet talker, like her, should rightfully be doubted. Shizuru is a faker. She is capable of authentic emotions, and authentic motives, but you always have to be on the lookout. For a fake smile, a fake smoothing away of your worries, a carefully inserted word here and there. This is perhaps why Shizuru likes me. Because I know her. Because I do not take her at face value. I doubt her. And Shizuru…she wants to be doubted. She doesn't trust herself, she's played mind games so long, subconconsciously she's playing everyone and everything into her hand. Only someone who wouldn't be played, can stand up against her.

I turn the oak in my hand and run my fingers over the crevices and smooth away the jagged edges of splinters carefully. It's going to take my hours to finish this. I lie back propping my head on my backpack whilst my legs dig deeper into the hot sand. I lift the deformed piece of wood up and stare at it. It looks ugly. It doesn't resemble anything. But it will in time. The glint of sunlight that is raining down hard makes it unbearably bright, so I close my eyes and bask in the warmth.

The soft slosh of the waves against the beach is like a lullaby of white noise for an insomniac. I set my instruments down near my backpack and allow myself to drift away.

I must have dozed off in the lulling heat, because when I open my eyes, the sun is a little lower down on the horizon. There are a significantly larger number of people at the beach. A couple walking their dog, jogs past. The man sports a white tee shirt made translucent with his sweat and the lady, a pink neon top that could make anyone cringe. The terrier on the leash runs quietly with its tongue hanging out. It looks ridiculously tired.

_Hardcore_. I think anyone who runs at a beach is insane. The amount of energy it takes to jog in the sand is ridiculously. Your feet sink into the sand and it takes almost twice the amount of energy to cover half the distance. Jogging should be done on nice hard cemented ground, or on a trail where your feet doesn't sink in. Even better, try a gymnasium with air conditioning.

I yawn, and search around blindly for my piece of deformed wood hoping that no one has mistaken it for driftwood and kicked it into the sea. My fingers close over the hard wood and I pick up my carving knife and resume whittling. Slowly, it takes shape, the snout, the feet and the body shape.

I stop because it is almost dark and the lighting makes it hard for me to carve properly. The thing about whittling is that once you make a mistake, it becomes difficult to correct it. Having more wood isn't a problem, its having carved away wood that you want around that is problematic. It's like cutting hair at a salon. More hair is better than less. If the hairdresser makes a mistake and shaves off a huge chunk, there's nothing to be done except to wait for it to grow out. Unless, of course you want hair extensions to salvage your hair. For my case, that would be like sticking glue and some sawdust to patch the problem.

I shove my knife into the side pocket of my backpack and drop the piece of oak which resembles a wolf into my bag. Slinging it over my shoulder, I reach over and recover my phone and earphones. Plugging in, I take the uphill walk to my bike as I check for messages on my phone.

There's a single message from Shizuru hours ago asking me what I am doing today. I don't have many friends. So the fact that I have only on unread message after hours does not faze me. I am not a social butterfly. I do not have friends solely for the sake of having friends. I rarely have close friends, Mai is perhaps the closest I have to a decent friend. People like Akira and Reito are what I consider mere acquaintances. We interact when we have to, but we hardly make deliberate effort to hang out with each other. This reminds me that I haven't seen Reito for quite some time.

He and Shizuru are best buddies. But he's in a university a few towns over, so he drops by every occasionally to take Shizuru out for a drink. I disapprove of course. He brings her to some fancy club or pub where they have an expensive drink amongst excessively inebriated people with horribly loud music. When I come along, I serve the sole purpose as a guard dog. Shizuru in a dress has the tendency to bring out the worst in both men and women. I am quick to bend fingers and threaten to break them when it comes alittle too close for my comfort. Sometimes, Shizuru forces me into a dress, that's when I have to bend fingers that come in my direction. Reito looks at it as free entertainment, whereas I treat it as an expensive and tiring night for me. Then again, anything for Shizuru. She likes Reito, she enjoys his company in a way that we cannot. They talk about politics, a subject I am not fond of in pubs. And when they club, he drags her out on to the dance floor and shoves her into my arms.

Shizuru is fond on dancing. Let no one tell you otherwise. Nothing makes her happier than jumping around and squealing like a high school girl. It's undignified, perhaps that's why she enjoys it so much. She stays in my arms and near me, only because I don't trust anyone else around her. So we dance, we work up a sweat, until Shizuru is exhausted but happy. I tend not to stray away when Shizuru's clubbing because she has the tendency to be overly touchy and sexual.

More often than not, we spend time on the dance floor making out. I think that's how Shizuru destresses from her insane workload during school hours. At moments like this, I see just how normal Shizuru is. And how she is not to be trusted.

I once left for a moment to go to the toilet. I left specific instructions with Reito, who simply bobbed his head and hovered over Shizuru. But horrors be to me when I came back. I find Shizuru with her arms around the neck of a hot blond girl with a bust that's through the C cup into the D size. And Shizuru is giggling and dancing with the girl. And I am mind blown by the audacity of finding the blond's hands roaming the sides of Shizuru's body.

I kicked the blond off scene and had to put up with Shizuru and her antics on how hot I am when I'm jealous. Up till now, I don't know if it was deliberate or simply that Shizuru can be quite out of control when she's amped on alcohol and surrounded by horrible clubbing music.

But I still do it. I don't protest when Reito brings her out. Because Shizuru has fun. And she unwinds. And that may not seem important to many people, but it does to me. I've watched Shizuru live under the bondage and pressure of her family. I have watched her be quiescent to their every wish. I have watched her work until 3am and get up at 7am without any complains. And like a robot that never breaks downs, she continues incessantly.

* * *

I paused at my bike to send Shizuru a quick reply. 'Was at the beach. Chillaxing. You?'

I put on my helmet, leave my bag in the rear box of my Ducati. Gearing up, I start the engine and figured I'll take the bike for a spin around the area beach before heading back. I check my fuel level and am assured that I have more than enough despite my detour.

The sea breeze wafts its way through my nostrils, as I clear the area near the cliff and slow down on my bike to observe the moon in the distance. The crescent yellow moon dangles in the sky, brightly above. I exhale and inhale deeply before I spin my bike backwards heading for home.

Shizuru needs the club and the alcohol to relax. But I…I need the sea breeze, the feel of my bike between my legs and the soft delicate shine of the moon to feel at peace. It is the wonders of nature that eases me.


End file.
